I feel weird about making lists of enemies. It's very Nixonian, Hitleresque, Columbine-y. Not something one wants to be associated with. I much prefer to list things I like; I try to list my favorite movies all the time (though I have never succeeded definitively. Is it even possible?) and on the Angry Films Blog I started a HEROES LIST that includes Edith Zimmerman, Allison Schulnik, and Lauren Zettler.
And were it that we could spend all of our time celebrating that which we love. That would be great! But there's real evil in the world, evil that must be smoked out and brought to light. And so with a reluctant sense of duty, I must introduce the ENEMIES LIST to the Twilight Blog.
A few weeks ago Esquire magazine started a reader poll for the Sexiest Woman Alive. Esquire being a kind of oligarchy, the reader poll is distinct from the official, editorial-board selection. Apparently there will be two sexiest women alive this year. Doesn't that put Esquire in a rhetorically difficult position? "Our readers have spoken... and we disagree."
ANYWAY, much as I disagreed with many of Esquire's initial selections (No Mary Louise Parker?) Ashley Greene was one of them. Obviously I agreed with that. Greene even heard about it and asked people to vote for her via Twitter. Obviously I obeyed. In the first round she CRUSHED Joy Bryant, 87%-13%. But then my subscription to Esquire lapsed; that James Franco fiction piece was enough to keep me from rushing to renew it. Imagine my surprise when I followed a link to the current state of the poll and discovered that Ashley Greene had lost to Jessica Alba 52%-48%! What?
I'm a red-blooded American male, and I know that Jessica Alba is sexy. I also know that basically everyone on Esquire's original bracket (with the exception of Heidi Montag) is absurdly beautiful and therefore comparing them to each other is a weird exercise in futility, like comparing gold apples to gold oranges (or in Montag's case, bronze watermelons). I also know that naming a Sexiest Woman Alive (from a batch of predominantly white Americans, it needs to be said) is ridiculous and meaningless, especially when you are going to pick two. And especially because we all know the answer is Mary Louise Parker. I know that winning this won't really do very much to help Ashley Greene's career or raise her profile, and any raise she gets won't be a good one, really (that's what she said). It's not like Kate Beckinsale is suddenly famous now. Plus, Esquire's editorial board could easily make Ashley Greene their selection. (If they did I would renew my subscription, even if they brought James Franco on staff at the same time.) BUT STILL.
This is unforgivable, Jessica Alba. You are the first entry on the ENEMIES LIST. While we are listing enemies, does anyone have other nominations?