Okay, so you guys are right: there is probably not a Pulitzer for Outstanding Ashley Greene coverage. There should be, but there isn't. So this week, I tried to expand the lens a little. I gave Kellan Lutz a glittering moment in the sun. I covered a profile of Robert Pattinson in The New York Times in a post that turned into a kind of weird, angry meditation about long-form journalism and celebrity culture. I tried to remember and care for the Twilight cast members who don't have enormous racks.
But then Ashley Greene went and upstaged everybody on the red carpet at the Eclipse premiere last night, didn't she? A lot of people are saying it looks like a bedsheet. Well, yeah! Duh! If you don't understand why that is appealing, the dress wasn't for you anyway. Someone called it a "Grecian Goddess" look on Twitter, which is much nicer than a "post-fuck" look, but I'm pretty sure it was one of the fawning AG boosters I follow, because of course I follow them. I fucking am one of them. Jezebel said something about Greene getting the "demi-god" memo; Did Jezebel not get the memo that "maenad" is the "in" word now?
I also thought Kristen Stewart's steampunk wedding dress thing was OK. But anyway, point is maybe I was right to call for an investigation into Ashley Greene's possible tendency to just make up shit in interviews, or to cover her interview with, inexplicably, Fandango. Something tells me most of the Twilight-related gossip is going to dry up like a well in a week or two anyway. And AG has 6 movies coming out this year. SIX. I learned that watching her interview on the semi-insufferable Chelsea Lately show. What is this about the rose petals on the nipples? This is a thing people do? And there was a guy who exists who was about to have sex with Ashley Greene and he complained about it? Huh?
Anyway, this week we covered two chapters: Alice's sexy return, and the less sexy, complicated, expository chapter that sets up our next episode.
I also basically wrote Twilight as produced by Judd Apatow.
So last week, most of you did not answer the discussion questions. What kind of book club is this? The kind of book club where people don't talk about stuff? I need to occasionally be reminded that I am not crazy, or maybe told that I am. So some of those questions are back. You don't have to answer all of them. Just kidding, you do.
- Caption this picture.
- Nikki Reed's date to the Eclipse premiere was Jaden Smith. My question is: what?
- Per the Eclipse Vitamin Water Tie-In: What kind of berry is Edward? Bella? Jacob? Alice? Why?
- Per the Eclipse premiere: who was the best dressed? The worst? (AG is KILLING Nikki Reed in this poll, by the way.)
- There are like, hundreds of clips and interviews of Eclipse cast members online now, so if you find one that is particularly compelling, post a link. Are you as sick of hearing about how cool it was to film action scenes as I am? Shut up about the action scenes, am I right?
- The slow pile-up of misunderstandings throughout New Moon culminated this week in the ultimate fuck-up: the series of misinformed phone calls that leads to Edward's plan to commit suicide. Does this event validate the almost-unbelievable stupidity of our main characters throughout most of this book, or make it worse?
- To some extent, Alice, Bella, Rosalie, Jacob, Edward, and even Carlisle are to blame for this interlocked-misunderstanding-event (I think we should call it a blunderfuck). Who is THE MOST to blame? Why?
- Why do plots keep dropping in on us in the final third of these books? Did I miss any important expository details in my summary of the facts as relayed by Alice?
- Two weeks ago, Kira proposed a great game, which is sort of a variation on finding TWSS-worthy lines. You find some of S. Meyer's fantastic descriptive phrases that also happen to describe your ideal mate. As in, "Jacob's voice was wild with anxiety," just like how I like my women. So look for some of those, or good old fashioned TWSS-worthy lines from the last few chapters.