Okay, so you guys are right: there is probably not a Pulitzer for Outstanding Ashley Greene coverage. There should be, but there isn't. So this week, I tried to expand the lens a little. I gave Kellan Lutz a glittering moment in the sun. I covered a profile of Robert Pattinson in The New York Times in a post that turned into a kind of weird, angry meditation about long-form journalism and celebrity culture. I tried to remember and care for the Twilight cast members who don't have enormous racks.
But then Ashley Greene went and upstaged everybody on the red carpet at the Eclipse premiere last night, didn't she? A lot of people are saying it looks like a bedsheet. Well, yeah! Duh! If you don't understand why that is appealing, the dress wasn't for you anyway. Someone called it a "Grecian Goddess" look on Twitter, which is much nicer than a "post-fuck" look, but I'm pretty sure it was one of the fawning AG boosters I follow, because of course I follow them. I fucking am one of them. Jezebel said something about Greene getting the "demi-god" memo; Did Jezebel not get the memo that "maenad" is the "in" word now?
I also thought Kristen Stewart's steampunk wedding dress thing was OK. But anyway, point is maybe I was right to call for an investigation into Ashley Greene's possible tendency to just make up shit in interviews, or to cover her interview with, inexplicably, Fandango. Something tells me most of the Twilight-related gossip is going to dry up like a well in a week or two anyway. And AG has 6 movies coming out this year. SIX. I learned that watching her interview on the semi-insufferable Chelsea Lately show. What is this about the rose petals on the nipples? This is a thing people do? And there was a guy who exists who was about to have sex with Ashley Greene and he complained about it? Huh?
Anyway, this week we covered two chapters: Alice's sexy return, and the less sexy, complicated, expository chapter that sets up our next episode.
I also basically wrote Twilight as produced by Judd Apatow.
So last week, most of you did not answer the discussion questions. What kind of book club is this? The kind of book club where people don't talk about stuff? I need to occasionally be reminded that I am not crazy, or maybe told that I am. So some of those questions are back. You don't have to answer all of them. Just kidding, you do.
- Caption this picture.
- Nikki Reed's date to the Eclipse premiere was Jaden Smith. My question is: what?
- Per the Eclipse Vitamin Water Tie-In: What kind of berry is Edward? Bella? Jacob? Alice? Why?
- Per the Eclipse premiere: who was the best dressed? The worst? (AG is KILLING Nikki Reed in this poll, by the way.)
- There are like, hundreds of clips and interviews of Eclipse cast members online now, so if you find one that is particularly compelling, post a link. Are you as sick of hearing about how cool it was to film action scenes as I am? Shut up about the action scenes, am I right?
- The slow pile-up of misunderstandings throughout New Moon culminated this week in the ultimate fuck-up: the series of misinformed phone calls that leads to Edward's plan to commit suicide. Does this event validate the almost-unbelievable stupidity of our main characters throughout most of this book, or make it worse?
- To some extent, Alice, Bella, Rosalie, Jacob, Edward, and even Carlisle are to blame for this interlocked-misunderstanding-event (I think we should call it a blunderfuck). Who is THE MOST to blame? Why?
- Why do plots keep dropping in on us in the final third of these books? Did I miss any important expository details in my summary of the facts as relayed by Alice?
- Two weeks ago, Kira proposed a great game, which is sort of a variation on finding TWSS-worthy lines. You find some of S. Meyer's fantastic descriptive phrases that also happen to describe your ideal mate. As in, "Jacob's voice was wild with anxiety," just like how I like my women. So look for some of those, or good old fashioned TWSS-worthy lines from the last few chapters.
4 comments:
Homework! Well, the first 7 anyway. I don't have answers for the last 2 yet.
1. Alice found Carlisle's prescription pad and had some fun.
2. That's actually kind of adorable.
3. Bella - Blueberry, because the berry has the blues like Bella.
I don't really know for the other two. Maybe it would help if I actually knew what acai is.
4. I like parts of both those dresses, but not the final product.
I'm going to call best dressed a tie between Bryce Dallas Howard (I want her dress) and Robert Pattinson (totally digging the red suit). Worst, I don't even know. Damn, there were a lot of awful dresses. Though, I agree with that Jezebel article and LaLa Vasquez (whoever that is) could probably take the lead.
5. For all the hype about the action scenes, you'd think it was The Matrix all over again.
6. Worse. I think we've crossed the line into unbelievable even for a book about vampires and werewolves. By the way, there's an extra on her site showing Rosalie's and Edward's POV of that scene.
7. I'm going to go with Edward, since he started this whole stupid string of events by leaving in the first place.
1. Nothing is coming to me, so I'll pass.
2. That's weird. It wouldn't be if she had known him or his family for a long time but she had just met him and adults do not ask children out on dates.
3: Acai-Jacob, for reasons I can't completely explain but they just taste like Jacob.
Blueberry-Bella, the same reason as Kim plus Edward thinks Bella looks really pretty in blue.
Pomegranate-Edward, it was the only one left and pomegranate juice looks kind of like blood.
Alice would be goji berry because in trying to think of a berry that was somewhat unusual and unique but great it was the first that came to my mind.
4: I personally didn't like any of the outfits but at least AG looked comfortable.
5: I have no interest in the action scenes but that does seem to be all anyone has to say. One of my friends was Team Edward pre-Eclipse though and was swayed to team Jasper by the fight scene. I will still fight to bring him over to Team Alice.
6: It's the culmination of many convenient coincidences. It makes sense of the decisions made so far while magnifying the lack of reasoning behind them. Which is to say, it's better because we now know why they had to be made but worse because we now know for sure there could have been better decisions had more thought gone into their writing.
7: The majority of the blame falls on Edward as he's the one that left and the one that made the assumption which is causing most of the problem. Jacob is partly to blame because he should have given Bella the phone and it was his fault she jumped. Everyone else was just there and any part they had in it was collateral damage.
8: If I remember correctly, that's the same in all 4 books. It was one of things that annoyed me my first time through. Reading 350-400 pages to get to the interesting part only for it to move swiftly to a climax that wasn't really worth it. I guess the point is to make it seem like there was a point to everything that lead there and leave the reader wanting more, but it left me frustrated.
9: "He put his big hand on the back of my hair, as if to hold me there."
i hope i get partial credit for turning it in late.
1) meh. i don't find this picture as exciting or perplexing as you do, zac. it looks like a pretty girl playing "gritty" with her amateur photographer friend.
2) barf. i mean, i know jaden smith is a little kid, but it feels safe to assume he's a little asshole, right?
3) i already answered this in an earlier post but i'll summarize:
acai - jacob, because of indigenous cultures and fake exotic hype.
blueberry - edward, because of 100 yrs of blueballs
pomegranate - bella, she's a lady and poms are associated with fertility and shit. also, as foods to eat fresh, they are annoying and messy, much like bella's mental state.
4) i liked bryce's dress the best, even if it was a less impressive rehash of michelle williams's epic marigold oscar dress. also bryce's hair stylist needs to go back to get some continuing ed classes because the red hair+red lips combo doesn't work when the red hair is basically stuck to the red lipstick.
i liked elisabeth reaser's dress a lot, but it didn't look like it fit her very well and she couldn't have looked more uncomfortable in that shot. i feel like she was trying to sex it up since she's the oldest lady the in cast and wants to seem young and hip, but that only works when you're really GOING for it.
annalynne mccord bugs me and her dress was two sizes too small. kellan lutz is maybe a gay because it's hard for me to believe a straight man would find her attractive.
robpattz's tight red suit would look better in a pile on my floor.
taylaut looked like the best man at his bro's wedding.
what was jaime king doing there? she needs to sit down and eat a sandwich STAT.
not to reinforce our society's INCREDIBLY unfair beauty standards but it seems like stephie meyers has gained, like, all the weight. i hope she's okay. that's not a great sign.
i would like dakota fanning's stylist to let little dakota wear some color sometimes. i feel like she's always in cream or nude, and then her makeup is always really nude, so she is basically invisible to the human eye. is there a face in that creamy blur? hard to say.
kstew always looks so uncomfortable in clothing that isn't jeans and a flannel, it takes the fun out of seeing her dressed up.
5) i've somehow managed to watch almost none of the publicity blitz.
6) the culminating stupidity of the misunderstandings is just the usual, you know? i love me some shakespeare because duh but i hate misunderstanding-based story lines.
7) it's all carlisle's fault for filling edward's head with his stupid middle ages christian nonsense. edward would be way more fun if he was like alice and just living his immortality UP. fuck all the stupid soul business. for people who have attended medical school many times, they are annoyingly attached to a completely make-believe, unprovable concept.
Dakota Fanning is similarly always shot with really blown-out lightning. "Let's make her even more bright and pure looking!" She always looks like an alien coming out of the mothership.
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