"Fuck the haters."
Fuck you, Glamour Magazine. Your list of The 31 Sexiest Vampires is a piece of shit.
31. Cameron Bright/Alec- Really? Alec? This kid is like nine-years old. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
30. David Bowie/John - Well, you can't really argue with David Bowie, but you can argue with his placement! 30th?
29. Rachel Lefevre & Bryce Dallas Howard/Victoria- BDH was hotter as Gwen Stacy, and Gwen Stacy is not even a vampire, at least in most versions of the Spider Man story. And I will never be able to believe Rachel Lefevre as an actress now that I have seen this atrocious deleted scene from New Moon (via Vulture/Lindsay Robertson).
28. Wesley Snipes/Blade - Wesley Snipes? The only good thing to come out of Blade is this picture. And this article from The Onion AV Club.
27. Charlie Bewley/Demetri - The only thing sexy about Demetri is the fact that he choked Alice once and she kind of liked it.
26. Gary Oldman/Dracula - Okay, he played Dracula once, but he's looked fifty years old for fifty years. His last name is OLD MAN! He has the version of Benjamin Button disease where you are just fucking old forever. Immortal old age is not sexy.
25. Ashley Greene/Alice - Um, what the fuck? I think Ashley Greene is 24 places too high. Have these people even seen those Sobe ads?
24. Peter Facinelli/Carlisle - Carlisle? Carlisle is hotter than Alice? Who wrote this list, fucking Esme?
23. Kate Beckinsale/Selene - I have literally never seen anything this woman has been in except last year's Esquire issue that named her the sexiest woman alive. I disagree now as I disagreed then. But my issue is not with the shitheads at Esquire today, it is with the shitheads at Glamour! Though given the state of print media today they might actually be the same shitheads.
22. Jackson Rathbone/Jasper - Confederate soldier. Frequent abuser of the word literally. Murderer. Is it wrong that the first two piss me off more than the last one?
21. Olga Kurylenko/Vampire in Paris Je T'aime - I really liked Paris Je T'aime, but the vampire part was stupid. I'm willing to suspend my disbelief for Oscar Wilde's ghost, but I draw the line at vampires intruding on my eclectic short film collections.
20. Theo Alexander/Talbot - People who find True Blood more sexy than ridiculous don't make any sense to me, and I say that as a fan of True Blood. If you're watching it for the sex, watch porn. Alexander Skarsgard looks like a corpse.
19. Nikki Reed/Rosalie - If you get off on bitchy girls who fetishize domesticity, I guess I get this one.
18. Monica Belllucci/Dracula's Bride - The editors at Glamour just put this one in there for their dads.
17. Jamie Campbell Bower/Caius - If you get turned on looking at the photos of old Nazis who are still wanted in South America, this vampire is for you.
16. Tom Cruise/Lestat - Scientology, Oprah's Couch, Mission Impossible 2, and so on.
15. Megan Fox/Jennifer - I'm not going to take issue with the classification of a Succubus as a vampire here, because I am not a dork. I have sex instead of being a dork. Everyone makes his or her choices in life, and I choose not to care about what precisely defines a vampire. And I don't disagree that Megan Fox is attractive, if only in body and not in mind. If she and Ashley Greene would switch places, maybe I wouldn't have any problem with this list at all. Incidentally "If Megan Fox and Ashley Greene would switch places" is the phrase most often spoken aloud by sleeping male bloggers.
14. Kiefer Sutherland/David - While I admire Sutherland's willingness to turn himself into the police from time to time, that does not a sexy person make. Also Glamour calls The Lost Boys "possibly the best" film from the 80's. Not the "best vampire film." The best film.
13. Salma Hayek/Santanico - I'll recognize Robert Rodriguez when he stops reverse-pretentiously putting "chopped and shot by Robert Rodriguez" or whatever the fuck on all of his movies. I'm aware it's unfair (and maybe seems a little racist) to blame Hayek for the marginal sins of her director. But you try finding 31 reasons to get pissed off about a stupid list!
12. Paul Welsey/Stefan Salvatore - I've done a lot of stuff for this blog that I would not have normally done, but I still have not watched The Vampire Diaries. And hopefully I never will.
11. Ethan Hawke/Edward Dalton - I want to like Ethan Hawke, but you guys saw Hamlet 2000, right?
10. Xavier Samuel/Riley Biers - There's a subset of Ashley Greene fans who seem to really want Ashley Greene and Xavier Samuel to fuck and make a lot of gorgeous babies. I have to say, that doesn't seem like the worst idea. I can't really argue with this choice, except to say that as a straight man, I would probably have sex with Xavier Samuel before every other man on this list.
9. Stephen Moyer/Vampire Bill - Again, am I the only person who watches True Blood primarily as a comedy?
8. James Marsters/Spike - I will actually probably eventually watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer, though I think there are even odds that I will love it or hate it more than anything. I think I have too overactive a gag reflex to really handle Joss Whedon. I don't mean that the way it sounds.
7. Jason Patric/Michael - Have you seen him lately? He looks like Dennis Miller. Next.
6. Alexander Skarsgard/Eric - Again, he looks like a dead body. In a bad way, I guess it needs to be said.
5. Brad Pitt/Louis - In Benjamin Button (this is somehow the second Benjamin Button reference in this post, which is how I know it has gone on too long) when Brad Pitt gets magically, digitally younger, weren't you hoping his hair was going to be long and ridiculous like it was in Interview With The Vampire? (It's With THE Vampire, not With A Vampire by the way, Glamour!)
4. Kellan Lutz/Emmett Cullen - Not to be crass, but the penis/vagina ratio is starting to fall pretty heavily on the penis side the closer we get to the bottom of this list. Guys like vampires too! Or at least, I do.
3. David Boreanaz/Angel - He's a handsome dude, okay? What do you want from me? He was a very handsome dude, in 1998. Do you really want to remind your readers how old they are, Glamour?
2. Ian Somerhalder/Damon - His name is Damon? Oy vey. This guy looks like Rob Lowe's retarted brother. And he's really just here to make us pant in anticipation for number one, which should be painfully obvious. It's going to be Michael Sheen as Aro, right? It has to be.
1. Robert Pattinson/Edward - Of course. If you still think Edward Cullen is sexy, just read this.
What a crock. Fuck this list in the face.