Psalm 31 And Other Shit One Should Never Tweet

In case you missed it, last night Alice and I had one hell of an SEO-boosting conversation about the various controversies and nontroversies erupting from the Jonas/Disney camp at the moment. The word as of now is that Nick Jonas verbally endorsed Demi Lovato, a Joe Jonas's ex and former JoBros tour-mate who has recently fallen ill (or something), from the stage. "Think of this family like a royal family," says Alice, who is apparently our Disney expert now. "They have alliances and factions and they all probably secretly hate each other. Little Nicky throwing his lot with Ms. Lovato (who is comanaged by his father) is significant."

Admittedly I have an imperfect understanding of the politics of Disney. But I do have a pretty good handle on the unspoken code between brothers, and "bros before hos" is a central tenet. So we'll have more on this as it develops or doesn't. In the meantime, let's take a closer look at a few of the tweets from last night's shitstorm. Twitter is so much fun for this kind of thing, isn't it? Search @ashleymgreene some time when you're bored. You get some cra-mazing stuff. It so baffles me that kids could spend any time or effort caring about who Joe Jonas isn't fucking that I'm convinced I somehow missed my tween years. Was I in a coma or something?

I too have struggled with people on the internet not fully grasping the intent of my jokes (See Oh No They Didn't, others). But it never occurred to me to make a joke, cancel out my punchline and address future criticism ALL IN ONE TWEET! With plenty of room for multiple ellipses to boot!

My favorite part in this string of crazy rumors is the idea that AG is some kind of computer hacker? Are they saying she deleted Demi's twitter account? That's kind of an awesome rumor, one that I would not take pains to dispel, were I Ashley Greene.

We alluded to the Psalm 31 thing before - Nick Jonas tweeted it the other night. On the list of weird things for teenage rock stars to do, that has got to be near the top. Like, can you imagine having the kind of brain where, when you start going through a difficult time, some part of your subconscious cues up the right Bible passage? I can see where the suicide rumors could come from when you start pulling shit like that.

If this really, audibly happened on the same night that N. Jonas declared his affiliation for Team Jemi (in so many words) I hope they were selling booze at the venue so AG could have a drink. Parents have to go to this shit, right? They must sell beer.

Oh, and right, obviously at some point we all stopped mourning and/or celebrating the death of Jashley. If you guys don't mind, I'm just going to re-use the headline I wrote when it happens for real.

Earlier today: Commercial Prospects

Commercial Prospects

Ashley Greene is in a new commercial for Mark cosmetics, and it's... overwhelming. Clearly this is aimed at a younger generation - kids who are willing to suffer a seizure or two for the sake of entertainment. Such values are foreign and scary to me; I had to shield my eyes for most of this. And what the fuck is "social beauty?" Did I really see that in there?

Meanwhile Vulture has a kind of interesting article about the career prospects of Kristen Stewart. The article mentions that Stewart was paid SAG minimum for her work on Welcome To The Rileys, which is the sort of thing we talk about when we talk about Bill Murray doing Lost In Translation practically for free back in the day. Someone in the comments over there points out that Rileys was actually filmed before Twilight really took off, so I think it will be interesting to see if Stewart takes a big pay cut next time she makes an indie flick. Of course, she'll be filming Breaking Dawn for the next eight months or something ridiculous like that, so we won't get to find out for a while.

I saw Welcome To The Rileys yesterday, and we'll talk more about it later, but it wasn't the eye-opening, Pattinson-in-Little-Ashes kind of performance I had hoped it would be. I really liked the flick, but I'm not convinced it showed me anything about Stewart that The Runaways didn't show me already. So I'll also be eyeing her next performance for that, which is apparently what everyone else is doing too.

photo via AshleyFreaks

Trending Topics

alicewalkington: Yo have you read up on all the drama that's been going down in the Jonas/Lovato camp this weekend? I bet [the Jashley breakup rumors are] due to that.

zacharylittle: I'm vaguely aware of it.

alicewalkington: I only became aware of it when I saw the #demicomeback trending topic today. I'm mainlining AnythingDisney right now brb.

alicewalkington: Demi deleted her twitter and canceled a show/tour because of "asthma". Jonas camp has yet to make a statement.

zacharylittle: Asthma=pregnant=overdose=suicide?

alicewalkington: As far as I can tell the JASHLEY rumors are a side-product of all this, and come with zero evidence behind them.

zacharylittle: Also the Cyruses getting divorced has resulted in rumors that Kevin Jonas is getting divorced.

alicewalkington: Kevin and Danielle are pregnant AND getting a divorce, apparently.

zacharylittle: Like divorce is contagious and spreading among the Disney camp. Does @ashleymgreene know she is in the "Disney Camp"?

zacharylittle: That is a camp I'd really try my best to get out of. AG's inexplicable determination to fuck her way into it notwithstanding.

alicewalkington: She's neck and neck with Alice on that one.

zacharylittle: And I assume you mean Cullen and not yourself in the third person.

alicewalkington: The Jonas family releases statements when the rumors are minor, the fact that they haven't released a statement is interesting.

alicewalkington: Nick Jonas has driven me to reading the bible. Related: Psalm 31 is heavy shit, man. he wasn't fucking around last night.

zacharylittle: "My life is consumed by anguish!" I didn't know Nick Jonas was the Biff Loman of the family, but it works.

Better To Weird Out Than To Fade Away

RIP Jashley

2010-2010*

(*Maybe)

Ashley Greene Is Overwhelmed By Basically Everything

"I mean, what the fuck?" the Twilight star went on to ask. "Bombs are coming over here in the mail, there's a whole new brand of Al Qaeda or something, and a fucking ninja broke into some people's houses and fucking shot them?"

The Alice Cullen cutie stared at her beau Joe Jonas in exasperation and exclaimed, "What is going on out there?" In response, he shrugged. She stared out the window of her Baton Rogue hotel room for a moment, cursed softly, and reached languidly for the joint again.

BLOGGING ECLIPSE, pt. 29: Gimme Shelter

Through a series of unfortunately stupid events, Jacob, Edward, and Bella are now stuck in a tent on some godforsaken rock in a storm. So here we are, then. No joke, this chapter is kind of a blast. It's also the closest S. Meyer will ever get to a No Exit homage: Hell is other werewolves. Previous entries can be found in the directory.

Chapter 22: Fire and Ice

So we're on the mountain, in the tent, and the storm is getting worse and worse. Bella's shivering in her sleeping bag, Edward's watching helplessly from the corner. He's so cold, see? He can't warm her up, he'd only make it worse. It's a pretty clever conceit until you think about how utterly contrived the circumstances were that got us here: A freak snowstorm (in June!) and an incredibly ill advised and poorly justified camping trip. But oh well! (I knew this chapter was coming so I've already cleared the suspension-of-disbelief hurdles necessary for it. If you haven't yet, you need to A. forget any inclinations toward rape Jacob might have once had, B. ignore the nonsensical plot contrivances as best you can, and C. try to actually care about whether or not Bella freezes to death. Okay? Okay!) Meanwhile, warm ol' Jacob-wolf is outside, enduring the elements. You can start to see where this is going, which is why you are smiling. Jacob has always argued that he is better for Bella than Edward, and no matter how wrong he and Charlie have been about that in the past, they are emphatically correct at the moment. And I mean that more literally than you can imagine, as Jasper would say.

(There's a weird extraneous moment where Bella wonders about why Jacob's wolf-fur is so shaggy. Later on in the chapter she asks him about it, and he explains that it's because his human hair is so long. Huh. Well, I'm glad that was a part of this chapter's arc structure. As Chekov once said, if someone asks about someone's hair in the first act, someone should talk about the hair again later.)

In the tent, Bella's teeth are chattering so hard she can barely talk, and Edward seems to be losing his mind with stress. Bella has rejected Edward's suggestion that they make a run for it because she doesn't want to lose the work they did on the trail. Mind you, Edward has assured Bella that the wind and snow will not ruin the trail in the first place. Well, that's lucky (“Newborns have a very particular sense of smell. They will latch on to your scent, and ignore the parallel scent trail of a vampire twenty yards away. Also, comically Biblical storms will do nothing to screw up the trail you left using strands of your hair and the oil from your fingertips. We're really lucked out in that every idiosyncrasy in the behavior of newborns is playing out in our favor.”-Edward)!

Outside, Jacob-wolf is LITERALLY howling in protest to everything Bella and Edward say. Edward tells Jacob to “go fetch a space heater,” and Jacob can't resist the urge to trade tepid, schoolboys-on-TV-shows-in-the-fifties style insults with Edward, so he changes into human form and enters the tent. Bella notes that he's only wearing the “bare essentials – just a pair of sweats, no shirt, no shoes.” And no boxers, ladiezzzz! Jacob spreads his arms and brags about his high body temperature. “You said she needed a space heater, and here I am.” Hey, Edward's foot: meet Edward's mouth! Jacob starts to unzip Bella's sleeping bag. Such a rich image, right there. Edward protests, physically holding Jacob back for a moment; things are tense. GET IT? TENTS! Bella tries to protest but she's too cold, and that kind of takes the force out of Edward's opposition, or the pitch out of his tent, or whatever. There's not really enough room for Jacob but he forces himself in (you are all welcome) and Bella says “then I couldn't object.” It just feels too good with him inside there! He's so warm that Bella starts involuntarily groping him, digging her cold hands into his skin. Jacob cringes, but rallies enough to point out that it would be easier if she took her clothes off. I have to side with Jacob here (that hurdle is way behind me now, you guys, but I'm so far around the track, or around a bend of some kind, that I feel like I'm going to have to jump over it again soon). That's just good science and good science is in short supply these days; we should embrace it, with our clothes off. But Bella does not. It's no big deal; this tent is already full of pansexual tension, and it's incredibly hard to shake the feeling that one of the following things is going to happen:

1. Edward and Jacob are going to pull their cocks out and measure them
2. Edward and Jacob are going to pull their cocks out and start tag-teaming Bella
3. Edward and Jacob are going to pull their cocks out and start fucking each other, while Bella watches and masturbates miserably, Little Ashes-style.

What's kind of the triumph of this chapter is that very little happens – the plot is not really advanced in any meaningful way and Jacob and Edward actually don't talk about much. It is our imagination that fills the space in that tent (and that sleeping bag!) but for once S. Meyer seems to be encouraging us to do so. She gets these three characters together in a confined space and lets us do the legwork. That nobody fucks anybody else in the end is beside the point – it's starting to feel like Edward and Bella really WILL fuck soon, so the tone of these teases have changed. We're not futilely dry humping anymore – this is foreplay.

But for a long while option three REALLY seems likely, as Jacob and Edward unexpectedly have a heart-to-heart. Yes, they reach a detente in the tent. GET IT? That is what happens. Bella starts to doze off, buried in Jacob's warm chest, and she somewhat ridiculously interprets the next five or six pages of dialogue between Edward and Jacob as a dream. She's still our narrator, after all, but Edward and Jacob have to be able to talk as though she is not around. So every few paragraphs we cut back to Bella remarking about what a strange dream this is. Shut up, Magdelena! Let the men talk (and/or have sex).

Can we talk about how Jacob almost definitely has a gigantic erection right now? The boys' talk kicks off when Edward hisses at Jacob to turn his sexual fantasies down a notch, and Jacob tells him to stay out of his head. Edward says Jacob's thoughts are shouting at him (“Yeah Bella, ride the wolf, Bella! Make me howl at the moon, baby!”-Jacob's thoughts, I imagine).There's a brief bit of silence and Edward starts answering an unspoken question. One of the things that is ostensibly supposed to complicate this exchange is the fact that Jacob doesn't always speak his questions aloud. Of course Edward proceeds to answer like he's taking a standardized test – “The hardest thing about my time away from Bella was...”– so Jacob's queries are always fairly obvious. And then Jacob turns the tables on Edward, asking him to open up his thoughts for the night, out of fairness or something. So Edward does most of the talking. It's an interesting turn of events, but of course it leaves the boner question unanswered. Wouldn't Bella notice, at least? Through those SWEATPANTS? Or does Jacob usually sport a hard-on in her dreams?

(Jacob makes an allusion, by the way, to the fact that he could fuck Bella without killing her and Edward couldn't. First of all, wasn't the whole deal in New Moon that Jacob wouldn't have been able to handle it either? That Bella was surrounded by men who couldn't fuck her lest they fuck her to death? I get that Jacob has more of a grip on his wolfiness now, but Edward has more of a grip on his vampireness, too. The “fuck you to death” thing is mostly just cover for Edward's religious convictions, is it not? But whatever.)

Jacob asks Edward if the jealousy is eating him alive. Edward confesses that yes, watching Jacob cuddle with his girlfriend (nay, fiancee! But Jacob doesn't know that) while erect (probably) is killing him inside. Jacob wants to know if it boners- I mean bothers- him all the time, or at least when Bella is at La Push. (This is pretty much the tenor of Jacob's half of the conversation throughout: “And don't you hate it when I do this?”) Edward explains that vampire minds work differently, like, he can think about a lot of stuff all the time? I don't know. This is only the second or third cryptic allusion we're heard about vampire neuroscience. I guess if you are already going to believe that vampires' hearts don't beat but their vocal chords and sex organs still work, you can also believe that they are like, high functioning autistics or something.

Edward is painfully honest as Jacob continues to pester him, giving voice to thoughts we'd only assumed he had until now. It makes the “tortured” act easier to swallow when we have a window into his head like this; maybe Midnight Sun would radically shift my perspective on all of this shit. Then again, Edward doesn't mention God once, so maybe he's not being totally honest with Jacob/us. But they continue to talk through what Edward calls an “uncomfortable truce.” Jacob asks why Edward decided to be “the very patient good guy.” Edward says he saw how much it pained Bella to have to choose him over Jacob, so he didn't make her do it. (Hear that Bella? If you're ever interested in an “open” situation down the line I think Edward would allow it!) Jacob asks if he was ever afraid Bella would choose him instead. Edward is like “not really.”

What passes for humor in this chapter comes when Jacob and Edward periodically admit to wanting to kill each other. Edward says he would never want to hurt Bella that way, but then says “sometimes it's an intriguing idea.” I suppose this is all a part of S. Meyer's idea of What Women Want – sensitive men who are also LITERAL killing machines if need be, men who aren't jealous but nonetheless SAY jealous things if need be – it's one way to cover all the angles for your audience, I guess. All women don't want the same thing, but by emphasizing different stuff at different times you can try to catch 'em all, so to speak.

There's some really dumb stuff in here, too. Edward mentions that Jacob thinks of him as a rock. “That's true. We are set the way we are, and it is very rare for us to experience real change. When that happens, as when Bella entered my life, it is a permanent change.” Uh, okay. So vampires get like, ONE change, for their whole lives? So Edward will love Bella forever, it's part of his nature now, because he is a literally “living stone?” If it happened once how could it not happen some other time? Or is Edward not going to say that until he falls in love with someone else? (“Oh wow, I've changed twice. This is exceedingly rare for our kind.”) WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THIS BOOK NEED A PARANORMAL JUSTIFICATION FOR LIKING SOMEONE?

Edward goes through the possibilities he had with Bella when Jacob gets all weird about the coming vampire thing. He says the best case scenario would have been that she didn't love him like he loved her. But that didn't happen. His second choice was to live with Bella throughout her human life until she died, then kill himself. But the bitch was so accident prone he was worried she'd die before then (I'm paraphrasing). The third option was to leave, and we saw how that worked out. Which leaves him with vampire-dom. Jacob says option three would have worked out, that he had a plan. Yes, a plan to wear Bella down.

“I've walked two marathons.”-Jacob Bernard

Jacob tries to get another year to seduce Bella, and Edward says no. But when Jacob asks what he would do if Bella chose him (Jacob) anyway, Edward says he'd step aside. Then he makes an interesting point: “You see Jacob, you might leave her someday.” He might IMPRINT, and Edward says he'd be waiting in the wings until that happened. Check mate, motherfucker.

The most subtle (yet still probably intentional) purpose of this chapter is to show us that Edward is the more mature one, is the adult here. As much was more or less clear already (the guy does have 90ish years on Jacob), but where Jacob uses his time in the tent to antagonize Edward, Edward uses the time to be introspective. He allows himself to be antagonized. And at the end, he admits that he could be friends with Jacob, which Jacob still can't admit.

“You know, Jacob, if it weren't for the fact that we're natural enemies and that you're also trying to steal away the reason for my existence, I might actually like you.”
“Maybe... if you weren't a disgusting vampire who was planning to suck the life out of the girl I love... well, no, not even then.”

Ha ha ha, but also telling! Look at your man, Bella. Now look at Jacob. Now back to your man, now back to Jacob. Now back to your man. You made the right choice. Well, the right choice would have been staying awake and starting a threesome, but this is good too.

[Whipping Sound]

Ashley Greene purchased $500 in Halloween costumes - matching outfits for herself, Joe Jonas, and her dog. They are either going to be Alice and The Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland (GET IT BECAUSE ALICE) or pirates (because of how they are both masquerading homosexuals). THE MORE YOU KNOW. Isn't it cute that she's picking out matching outfits? Joe Jonas is searching his South American hotel room right now, going "I know I left that promise ring somewhere..."

Makes Me Sick, Motherfucker, How Far We Done Fell

If you've been following the casting news for Breaking Dawn at all, you know that they've got a sprawling motherfucking cast going. Why do we need so many international clans of vampires? I mean, don't tell me, but why do we need that? It's a little ridiculous that every new actor cast gets a headline, because let's be real here: these new actors are going to get three lines, tops.

But anyway if it turns out that Breaking Dawn pulls back the camera lens to paint a gripping, panoramic portrait of all of Forks, WA (and by extension America) at war with itself, it only figures that someone from The Wire should be in there. So it is with great confusion that I share the news that Wendell Pierce, as in Bunk Moreland from The Wire, has been cast in Breaking Dawn.

Um, okay. There's no word on whom, specifically, Pierce will be playing. Is it too late to recast Carlisle? He'd be a great, mirthful, profane Carlisle. Or a great, mirthful, profane Aro. He could even bring a stubbly charm to the part of Charlie Swan. But let's face it: dude is black. He'll probably play "guy who gets killed #4."

Because literally none of the lessons of The Wire have been learned by anyone: the real and profound policy change needed to save America's cities is still decades away, and talented black actors will toil in obscurity forever. At the very least Pierce will get a paycheck, which he deserves. It's not all bad, it just mostly is.

Ashley Greene Is In Baton Rouge And [Insert Blowjob Joke Using The Words "Baton" and "Rouge"]

Here's Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas at a bar in Baton Rouge. Between the pool cue and that dress, there's a lot of sexual energy in this photo.

I know it goes against the party line (the party line that I wrote, I'm Michael Steele over here) to suggest that JASHLEY are actually fucking, but it's worth it to antagonize the tween Ashley Greene haters who have all managed to work "Trashley" into their screen names. Ever heard the expression "No one picks on my little brother but me?" Well, no one calls Ashley Greene a dumb slut except us!

So guess what, Demi Lovato fans? Ashley Greene is fucking Joe Jonas so hard and so relentlessly that he doesn't even remember his own name most of the time, let alone Demi's. The only time Joe Jonas thinks of Demi Lovato is when Ashley Greene tells him to call her Demi while he's fucking her, for kicks. Joe Jonas threw his promise ring into the fires of Mount Doom.

That's what I want to believe, anyway. But the above picture is almost too perfect, isn't it? Every detail down to the phallic angle of the pool cue. And what's with AG always tweeting @ the people she meets when out with Joe? Does she take down twitter names for later? "I have to make sure there is A LOT of evidence of this date!" AND what's with the way AG seems to be regressing into childhood with her other tweets? There are so many questions. Sometimes I think JASHLEY is making their relationship so deliberately mind-boggling that we won't even try to sort it out, like INLAND EMPIRE or some shit.

Blogging Eclipse: Idiot Wind

Little Ashes: A Review

BLOGGING ECLIPSE, pt. 28: Idiot Wind

The Biterion Collection Movie Club is shaping up nicely! I'm still integrating some comments into the conversation, but check it out here. Previous entries can be found in the directory.

Chapter 21: Trails

Bella wakes, unfucked, and notes the lousy weather outside (symbolism). One would think this was the day of the battle, but it's still another day away. (We were moving at a pretty good clip for a while there, but we've screeched to a halt. And there's still a hundred pages of this book! Either S. Meyer is really going to make a meal out of this battle or we're in for a motherfucker of a denouement.) Edward leaves so Bella can get dressed, and she tries to sort out how she got engaged last night. In any other book, waking up with a ring on your finger would at least mean you'd had some fun the night before, but not here. Even when she takes the ring off, Bella's hand feels heavy. Maybe not so much with the commitment and the monogamy for this one, eh?

Bella and Edward agree not to tell anyone, and the Cullens return from their trip. They all seem very “business like” except for Alice, who is in a uniquely pissy mood. She tells Edward that he should probably pack for cold weather – she can't be sure, since Jacob is involved in the hiking trip – and practically spits at Bella to “wear a jacket, cunt.” (Eventually we'll need to address the fact that Alice should be able to see what the weather is gong to be like in other places around Forks, but we'll worry about that later, when this plot ceases to make sense entirely.) Edward and Bella go to the garage where the Cullens keep a bunch of unused camping gear, and Alice follows them in. Bella calls Jacob to tell him they'll be leaving soon, Billy answers. We haven't heard much from Billy lately – S. Meyer hasn't needed a vaguely hostile noble savage or some handicapped comic relief, so he hasn't been around. But he's really nice on the phone, telling Bella he wished he could go fight with the wolves. “Being an old man is a hardship, Bella,” he says. Awwwww. Billy is nice, Alice is mean, left is black, white is down! I have a bad feeling about this battle.

When Bella hangs up she can see that Edward and Alice are having a kind of telepathic argument. Alice asks to speak to Bella alone, and Edward protests. “This is a female thing,” Alice says. Well, now you have my attention! Edward leaves, Alice goes and sits on the hood of her Porsche. Bella leans up against her, and Alice curls into Bella's side (!!!). What is about to happen, you guys?

“What's wrong, Alice?”
“Don't you love me?” she asked.

Don't get your hopes up! In the margins I wrote “ahhhhhh!” but it turns out that Alice is just pissed off she's not invited to the wedding. Sigh. Bella and Edward resolved to go to Vegas to make it official, so naturally Alice found out about the whole engagement thing. Bella tells Alice she can come too, but that doesn't satisfy her.

She stared at me with pleading eyes, her long black eyebrows slanting up in the middle and pulling together, her lips trembling at the corners. It was a heart-breaking expression.
“Please, please, please,” she whispered. “Please, Bella, please – if you really love me... Please let me do your wedding.”

Alice's manipulation of Bella plays as a parallel version of the last scene with Edward. Both of them are taking advantage of our narrator, but Alice's methods and motives are far less reprehensible. Edward's trying to obey his convoluted moral code on the sly, couching his religious convictions in realpolitik negotiation. Alice just wants to throw a party, and she's transparent with her manipulation. Even Bella recognizes that she's being played by Alice – she later calls her “totally unscrupulous,” a label I imagine Alice would like – but she doesn't see that with Edward. She defends the idea of going to Vegas by saying that Edward is “trying to make me happy.” He's actually just trying to appease you, ever so slightly, now that he has what he wants, (which by the way, is your intact virginity before holy matrimony, Bella!). Alice is deliberately making you miserable, but at least she's going about it honorably. It's what makes this scene cute and fun to read, unlike that last fucking chapter. Obviously Bella ends up agreeing to let Alice be her wedding planner (“Suck my dick, J. Lo!”-Alice Cullen).

Alice then asks to see the ring, but Bella's not wearing it. Alice is taken aback, like maybe she missed a breakup somewhere back there: “You mean we could have been having sex on the hood of my car all this time?” Edward has returned by then, and tells Alice that Bella “has issues” with jewelry. “What's one more diamond?” Alice says.

“Well, I guess the ring has lots of diamonds, but my point is that he's already got one on –”
“Enough, Alice!” Edward cut her off suddenly.

So the crystal on Bella's wrist is apparently a gigantic diamond, like something out of a heist movie. Okay, sure. Fine, whatever. I mean, why is this even coming up now? But whatever. Alice realizes she should shut the fuck up about it before Bella catches on (because that was apparently not enough to allow Bella to catch on) and warns them again about the terrible weather coming. It sure seems like we're hearing a lot about this bad weather. Do you think it's going to be important? Probably not, right?

Edward and Bella head to the woods, and then Bella starts leaving the false trail. Edward walks parallel to her, “twenty yards away.” This scent science is getting even dumber – Bella is leaving her scent by touching rocks and trees, and that's going to be strong enough that it's okay for Edward to be 20 yards away the whole time? As long as he doesn't run his fingers along anything? Even Bella seems to think this doesn't make any sense – she starts running her fingers through her hair and leaving the loose strands around. "A" for effort, Bella. As they reach the clearing, Bella trips and cuts her hand. Edward comes over to help her and there's a big deal made of the fact that he's okay around her blood. Bella thinks back to the party, when he'd had to hold his breath around her. That was the last time Bella's bled around him? Bella, whose clumsiness is the most well-defined part of her character? Anyway, Edward says her life is too important to him now or something equally stupid. Bella rubs her bloody hand on the rocks, noting that it will probably drive the newborns crazy and Jasper will be pleased. Either that or Jasper will go nuts like he did LAST TIME he was around your blood, you idiot! They reach the clearing; “Let's go camping!” Edward says. Yay, camping!

See, what's a little bad weather among friends?

Jacob shows up – steps out from behind some trees, actually. Way to not seem like a rapist, Jacob! It's his turn to take Bella through the woods to a predetermined place where Edward will be waiting. Pay attention now, because this is complicated. And stupid.

This whole excursion with Jacob is happening, we are meant to understand, in order to disguise Bella's scent. Okay. And apparently it's going to take a few hours. Okay! The false trail has been laid, so now Bella has to be spirited HOURS AWAY from the trail and the battlefield, to what turns out to be THE TOP OF A MOUNTAIN. OKAY. Why not just take her back to her bedroom in Forks? How much further away is it? What is going on with this plan? It would be ridiculous under normal circumstances, but everyone also keeps talking about how a terrible storm is coming, too. As he sets off with Bella in his arms, Jacob notes the absence of wildlife. “It takes a lot to silence the forest this way,” he says. So maybe we should reconsider camping on a mountaintop, guys!

Jacob jumps from rock to rock while holding Bella – she likens him to a mountain goat. Nice. Jacob notices the charm next to his wolf-carving, and says it figures that Edward would give her “a rock.” Bella again wonders if this charm could possibly be a diamond, but her train of thought gets derailed before she can conclude one way or another. I love that we've got a mystery subplot going on. IS IT A DIAMOND OR ISN'T IT? WHEN WILL WE KNOW?

I'd kind of forgotten that Jacob was an evil rape-kisser, but he brings it up again. Why is he always reminding us how evil he is? Maybe he's been ordered to talk about it every few chapters like how sex offenders have to go door to door. Bella's getting better and more accurate with her put downs – she says she didn't think of it as a kiss, that it was “more of an assault.” Jacob goes on anyway to tell Bella she should be playing the field more. “You know, like the sort of fields parceled out to indigenous peoples by the US Government to apologize for past instances of systematic extermination,” he says (OK, he doesn't). Something kind of weird happens when Jacob brings up the fact that she seems to like him better as a wolf.

“I think it's easier for you to be around me when I'm not human, because you don't have to pretend that you're not attracted to me.”

My mouth fell open with a little popping sound.

Bella neither confirms nor denies Jacob's theory, neither to him nor to us. Why? Is Bella supposed to be attracted to Jacob? When was that supposed to have become true? I feel like S. Meyer intended for Bella to sort of be romantically interested in Jacob all along but just forgot to write about it. The films, incidentally, have the same problem, only worse. Then Jacob says this:

“It's possible to love more than one person at a time, Bella. I've seen it in action.”

On the internet, right Jacob? Or have you been spying on Alice and Jasper and their friends again? JEEZ, how the hell did S. Meyer intend that to sound? Before Bella has a chance to ask Jacob which end of her he had dibs on, they start talking werewolf mechanics again. I thought we were done learning wolf facts, but I guess not. Bella brings up that Jacob is second-in-command, and they have a long, boring discussion of lineage. Bella realizes that Jacob should technically be the leader of the wolfpack and assumes Sam wouldn't step aside. Turns out instead that Jacob didn't want the title! Technically that would have made him Chief of the Quileutes, and it was too much power for him or something. But there has to be at least one highlander, so Sam stayed in charge. Jacob says he's comfortable being a wolf now, but at first it felt like “being drafted into a war you didn't know existed.” It's hard not to feel bad for Jacob a little. I mean, the metaphor only barely works, because usually draftees are acutely aware of the war they are getting drafted into, but I'm saying if you ignore that part. Oh, who am I kidding? No sympathy for the devil.

Jacob and Bella reach the camp site – Edward has a tent set up against a cliff face. The sky is angry and black. Edward says the tent is secure – he “all but welded it to the rock.” Don't you think the first step should be reconsidering the choice of camp site? Or reconsidering the IDEA OF the camp site? This is the dumbest chapter in the book, and that is saying something.

The Simpsons Are Finally Getting Around To Mocking Twilight

After his play "Ghosts" was greeted with outrage and shock and condemnation from the theater-going public, Henrik Ibsen wrote to a friend that in ten years, the work would finally be understood. But by then, as an artist, he'd be another ten years ahead of everybody else; they would never truly catch up. These days we recognize that such was pretty much always the case with the kind art we still talk about, which is probably why Ibsen was cool with life going down like that. "To be great is to be misunderstood," as Ralph Emerson once said. We know all this, which is why we also know that The Simpsons is no longer art, is no longer great, and the fact that it is still on the air is kind of embarrassing for everyone. I know that hand-drawn cartoons have long lead times, but C'MON GUYS:

The preview of ‘The Simpsons’ “Treehouse of Horror” has been released where the creators of the popular show have spoofed ‘[T]wilight’. In this hilarious episode Daniel Radcliffe has been roped in to imitate the role of Robert [P]attinson in ‘Twilight’ movie franchise. Radcliffe’s character ‘Edmund’ reveals himself as a vampire to Lisa. The duo goes on a tree jumping adventure just like ‘Twilight’. Edmund also saves Lisa from being run over by an approaching School bus. [via]

Oy gevalt. Guess what? The segment is called "Tweenlight." Ha ha ha? It's a sad state of affairs when The Simpsons is getting to this after the movie Vampires Suck. Shut this down, okay Matt Groening? Shut it way down. Needless to say, I will not be watching this episode of The Simpsons, just as I have not watched new episodes of The Simpsons for roughly fifty years. We can do better than this, America.

So a bunch of you have watched Little Ashes, but we are still waiting on your thoughts! The movie club is a lonely gang of three right now. Of course you should take your time to collect your thoughts and stop crying (because SPOILER ALERT: it's fucking sad) but there's taking your time and then there's taking your time like the writing staff of The Simpsons, you know?

The Movie Club Is Happening Now

Many of you are watching Little Ashes right now. Well, at least one of you. It's pretty good, I'm not even kidding! The live blog is shaping up nicely. It is here.

CATCHING UP: Movie Club Edition

So I've been taking extensive notes on Little Ashes, which is why I only got through 45 minutes of it last night. I removed most of what I've written, for now, so as not to freak anyone out. If you watch the whole thing and want to write a novel like me, that's great. If you only have two or three things to say, that's great too. Don't be intimidated by us, new people! I can tell some of you stuck around after the whole ONTD fiasco. Now is the time to show yourself!

The Biterion Collection Movie Club: An Explanation

My notes will go up Sunday, and I'll start incorporating whatever thoughts have already been posted. The post will hopefully start to take shape on Sunday night and Monday morning. If you can't get to Little Ashes until next week, fear not. Unlike the Roundtable this will be pretty easy to put together, and I'll revise it as many times I need to, back and forth, forever. Post your thoughts here.

What happened the rest of this week?

Kristen Stewart showed up at the Scream Awards looking foxy. This was really Stewart's week - she did a press tour for Welcome To The Rileys and subsequently blew up my twitter feed for a few days. Some highlights from the interviews are here.

This very blog ended up on ONTD and a minor shitstorm ensued. We're telling jokes around here, guys! I don't care if Joe Jonas is gay or not (even though he totally is). Speaking of JASHLEY, what is going on in this photo?

Glamour posted a list of the 31 sexiest vampires, and I had at least 31 objections to it.

We delved into the epic, upsetting chapter 20 of Eclipse, in which Edward finally pops the question he's pretty much been passive-aggressively popping for 400 pages. It was a drag.

Part 27: A Very Long Enragement

Part 27.5: Drainage, Eli

I also re-wrote chapter 20 from the Cullen family's perspective, in a piece of fan fiction I was actually happy with for once. I've never really known what to do with the fan fiction - once you make fun of S. Meyer's writing style or inability to write action scenes you don't have many other places to go. Since then the fan-fiction has ranged from broad parody to illustration of personal existential crises. We all recently concluded that the Cullen family is not particularly well drawn, so maybe we can correct that ourselves. I'm going to print out this last story and tuck it into copies of Eclipse at Borders.

LAST WEEK: Catching Up, Follow The Tweets Edition

See you at the movie club, and in the mean time ponder this deep thought from Kellan Lutz (thanks, Kira).

THE BITERION COLLECTION: Little Ashes, A Review In The Form Of A Hive-Minded Live-Blog

"Our lives are Twilight!"

We have all watched the film Little Ashes, starring Robert Pattinson as Salvador Dali. This entry into The Biterion Collection was done in the form of a liveblog. Hopefully this will be relatively cogent to people who have not seen the film, though I would urge you to check it out (it is available on Netflix Instant) if you get a chance. Naturally spoilers follow, though we try to be more vague as we progress. This post is still UNDER CONSTRUCTION, so please ignore any inconsistencies with regard to accents and punctuation for the time being.

00:00:00- Zac: According to Netflix, this film is "Romantic, Heartfelt."

00:00:00- Rosanne: [Possible suggestions] "Historical, Decorative Artsy."

00:00:42- Zac: It took a lot of people "in support of" this flick to get it made! There's like forty different Spanish arts councils in the opening credits. There better be some explosions. There's also a bunch of title cards explaining the setting, which I pretty much always hate.

00:01:05- Renee: No one told me there would be a history lesson.

00:01:12 - Kira: "But a breeze was blowing..." yeah, a GAY breeze! (Easy, Kira. Pace yourself.)
00:02:48- Zac: We meet Lorca and his friends, who are a bunch of pricks. They make fun of his poetry, saying it's too "Andalusian." That kind of sounds like a compliment to me! (It is actually a lot of fun to say "Andalusian" with the Barcelona lisp like that. Try it!)

00:02:48: Rosanne: I am so unused to these Thpanish Ethes. All the Spanish speakers I know are from the Americas.

00:02:50 -Kira: Already have literally no idea what's happening; who are those young guys? Who is that old guy? Where are they? Why can't I understand anything they're saying?
00:03:26- Zac: Enter Pattinson as Dali. Or should I say Pattinson as Johnny Depp as Dali. GET THAT LOOK:

Hello Dali!

00:03:26- Renee: Oh, for the love of bob!

00:03:30- Saidah: I must say Dali has a strange taste in fashion.

00:03:30- Kira: Dalí is dressed like a Vogue fashion editor. Those boots are FIERCE. RP's wig has a kind of Severus Snape vibe going on.

00:04:32- Renee: Why does Sal have such boring pajamas when the rest of his clothes are so flamboyant?

00:06:05- Zac: To summarize the first six minutes of the film: Dali shows up at a place, broods. He and Lorca keep seeing each other. Am I missing anything? Also, the subtext is very gay. Pretty sure there have been no women in this movie so far. Everyone has really long nails.

00:06:07- Saidah: Those nails are disgustingly long.

00:06:10- Kira: hope RobPattz grew his nails long to bring authenticity to his portrayal because BAAAARF.

00:07:00 - Kira: 7 mins in, no gay sex, no nudity, CLOCK IS TICKING.
00:07:37- Zac: A lot just happened! Pattinson speaks; his Spanish accent is better than his American accent. He meets Luis Bunuel, who has been kind of a jackass so far! I didn't know Luis Bunuel was a jackass! I'm learning about art history!

00:07:40- Rosanne: I feel like RP does "awkward" rather badly. Did you guys see How To Be?

08:10:11- Kira: I would like to sit in that window, smoking cigarettes, drinking espresso and reading, w/RP gazing curiously at me. Outfit/wig is negotiable. Could RP's skin BE more gorgeous and creamy?
00:08:19- Zac: Bunuel is the Gladwellian "Connector" at this boarding house or insane asylum or wherever the fuck we are. He throws a party in Dali's room. Oh, hey Dali, meet Lorca!

00:08:20- Renee: It must be nice to be in college and still rich enough for champagne.

00:08:45 - Kira: I thought Luis Banuel was being a dick, hazing weirdo Dalí, but he was actually being neighborly. Cute! Srsly, you guys should take your shirts off, though.

00:09:00- Rosanne: I want to marry this dormitory. The boys can stay or go, but they should leave their clothes.
00:10:00- Zac: Bunuel keeps being a blowhard. With his "Ethnic Don Draper" good looks, he's scaring away all the gay vibes!

00:10:05 - Kira: I can barely understand anything Lorca says. It's making the movie excruciating. Had to rewind this stupid conversation 3 times to understand what the fuck he's saying. Can't wait for nudity and the end of RP's wig.
00:10:37- Zac: Lorca gets tackled in a bar by a mix of Lola from Pandora's Box and the girl from Fritz Lang's Metropolis. Is that just what all women looked like before 1930? She's trouble, I can tell already.

00:11:00 - Kira: This fucking girl w/the new bob is awful and I hate her already. Turn it down, sister.

00:12:12- Zac: Bunuel keeps trying to get everyone to talk about Spanish politics. SHUT UP, LUIS!
00:13:21- Zac: Lorca plays the piano. Dali seems really bad at drinking and smoking, which has got to be a stretch for Pattinson.

00:13:50 - Kira: Girl continuing to be the worst.
00:15:12- Zac: Lorca drags a Slash-lookalike Dali home from the bar while Bunuel starts shouting "faggots!" at two passing men. This movie is doing for Luis Bunuel what The Social Network did for Mark Zuckerberg.

00:15:15 - Kira: "DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS NOT A GAY-FRIENDLY TIME AND PLACE? YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT."- this movie

00:15:15- Renee: *shudder* History lesson: That word originated when gay men were thrown on fires during the burning of witches. It means that to be gay is to be something less than human. I personally have not said or typed said word in over a decade. To do so would give it power and the power to dehumanize is not one I support.

00:15:15- Zac: PSA- The poker scene from Louie episode 2: Required Viewing.

00:16:00- Saidah: How could they let Salvador leave the house like that?

00:16:08- Zac: Lorca and Bunuel just LITERALLY WALKED INTO A PAINTING. Oh wait, this is just a really shitty backdrop? Oh, okay.

00:16:15 - Kira: blue screen sunrise? Really?

00:16:45- Saidah: The sky doesn’t match what’s on the other side, and then it suddenly got darker, isn’t it sunrise?

00:16:50- Zac: Dear movie: All of your viewers are really confused about what the fuck is happening with the sky. Fix it please.

00:16:26- Zac: The clouds still haven't moved yet.

00:17:24- Zac: Lorca dreams in period-quality b-roll.

00:18:00 - Kira: guy playing Lorca, I am not interested in you so far. Did they have to add in the b&w footie to distract us from his lackluster delivery?

00:18:35- Zac: Lorca has a weird monologue which is sort of like the lyrics to the song "Boogie Shoes" but with more death imagery. I don't even know what is happening and there is still like, two hours to go.

00:18:36- Renee: That is a really sad story but wouldn't that make him want to leave, to get a new start?

00:20:00- Zac: At some point, in the comments, you're going to have to explain to us what that was about, Renee. ANYWAY I definitely didn't think we were going to get a "trying on different outfits" montage, but IT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED. All bets are off for this shit.

00:20:00- Saidah: Well there you go, Robert Pattinson naked.

00:20:00- Zac: ALL BETS ARE THE FUCK OFF.

00:20:00 - Kira: oh shit, this is Jame Gumb Silence of the Lambs-style nudity. Wow. I was enjoying his little fashion show and then BLAM (not complaining).

00:20:00- Renee: I could have gone my entire life without seeing R.Pattz naked. Unfortunately, I did not.

00:21:48- Zac: Lorca starts making some SERIOUS EYES at Dali during a puppet show. Don't make fun of political puppet shows, you guys. Remember who's blog this is.

00:21:50 - Kira: In case anyone was wondering, puppets remain terrifying. That look that Lorca is giving RP is the look my heart gives RP (what?)

00:22:07- Zac: Lorca prays, saying he has had "impure thoughts." AS IN SEXY GAY SEX THOUGHTS!

00:22:15- Renee: Why is he praying to a child? Catholic people confuse me.

00:23:23- Zac: Dali sits in art class, and somehow manages to spot Lorca through the CLOSED BLINDS in the art studio. My understanding of gaydar was totally incorrect.

00:23:50- Zac: Dali learned to flirt from Harpo Marx, apparently.

00:23:50- Renee: I want that coat. It would look terrible on me, but I love it!

00:26:30 - Kira: I remain 0% interested in Bernice Bobs Her Bleh/Magdalena.

00:26:34- Zac: Pattinson is keeping up the wacky shit, now hiding behind a potted plant and getting drunk at a dinner party.

00:27:00 - Kira: no answer to his important question about communal defecation!

00:27:00- Renee: How would sitting in your own excrement make you a better artist?

00:27:00- Zac: I don't think you want the answer to that.

00:27:00- Rosanne: It occurs to me that this is the movie he was making that made his widow's peak grow in funny for Twilight (Twi DVD commentary) so now I can't stop staring at his forehead.

00:27:00- Zac: Pattinson's Spanish accent has left the building you guys! Where did it go?

00:27:47- Renee: 1. Is it me or did his accent just morph into...I don't even know? 2."I'm trying to get very drunk..." That is a wonderful first impression to make.

00:28:37- Zac: This scene is very badly blocked. Unless this dinner table is supposed to evoke the Dada movement, I don't understand where each character is sitting in relation to the others.

00:29:11- Renee: Dali becomes in the same moment a complete ass and infinitely more interesting.

00:29:40 - Kira: Relationships are good because the partners force each other outside of their comfort zone, like how Dalí is pressuring his future boyfriend to recite his revolutionary poetry at the lame dinner party. Also, Dalí was forced to stop dressing like Nearly Headless Nick.

00:30:05- Zac: How can we justify the fact that these character sometimes speak in English with a Spanish accent, and other times speak in Spanish with a simultaneous voice-over translation? Is there a way to justify that?

00:30:05- Renee: I guess voice-over is more dramatic or something but wouldn’t they always be speaking Spanish? Or at least use voice-over just for poems? They're doing neither or both depending on how you see it.

00:30:05- Zac: I can see having a Spanish-language voice-over, if you need a little bit of authenticity, but having Spanish accents some times and Spanish language with English v/o other times is really off-putting. Another reason to love Inglourious Basterds.

00:31:19 - Kira: Reconciling my desire for RP and my dispreference for long nails on dudes is so difficult!

00:32:29- Zac: "Federico," Dali says. "When I saw you at the dinner..." as in, the dinner that just happened? Anyway, these two are finally hitting it off!

00:34:43- Zac: "Morality? Anything that they think is good or bad? We have to smash that, to pieces."-Pattinson, as Dali. Um, has he been reading this blog?

00:34:45 - Kira: oh man, Bunuel and Magdalena are so jealz!! "Quit stealin' mah Lorca, you weirdo!!" - them

00:35:00- Zac: Luis Bunuel continues to be an asshole. Lorca and Dali steal some bikes.

00:35:38 - Kira: Thank you for slow-moing this scene, director. xoxo

00:36:21- Saidah: Look at them wearing matching clothes and riding bicycles!

00:36:24 - Kira: okay, stealing bikes is uncool, even for a gay falling in love bike ride, guys. Not cool. What are those other guys supposed to ride on THEIR gay falling in love bike ride??

00:37:38- Zac: Dali and Lorca build a human-shaped raft on the beach. Dali kicks it apart for some reason. Some pirates watch them frolic and are like "that's gay." What the hell is this movie?

00:37:40- Renee: Who wears that much tan to the beach? Is it camo so they won't see you being gay? "It's beautiful." It's a man/bird made out of twigs, leaves and rocks. There is no accounting for taste.

00:37:40 - Kira: oops, can't finish the movie because I'm just looping this bike riding scene over and over again forever infinity!

00:39:14- Zac: Lorca and Dali are now working in the same damp studio. Or rather, both of them are glaring frustratedly at blank pieces of paper.

00:39:15 - Kira: 50% hoping that peeping girl would see a naked embrace and 50% hoping not (Don't get lynched, guys! Be smart!).

00:41:20- Zac: ATTENTION LADIES: Here there is a long pan up Robert Pattinson's bare leg. If you want to fast-forward to this part, no one will judge you. Lorca rubs Pattinson's hair while they lie on some rocks; Lorca recites poetry. His mouth movements neither match up with the Spanish words his is ostensibly speaking nor the English translation voice-over.

00:41:20 - Kira: "KISS KISS KISS" - me/Kathy Geiss

00:42:00 - Kira: Gross. That painting is gross. I hate Dali's art. Sorry, RP.

00:43:16- Zac: Can I say, in all seriousness, that I like how this movie is not Brokeback Mountaining us right now? Like, there is no gay guilt scene (there was that prayer, but BFD), it's just like, yeah, we are dudes who like each other. I dig it. No wonder this movie has to get funded by a bunch of Spanish arts councils (and schoolchildren had to paint the backdrops).

00:43:17 - Kira: You guys, that scene made me tear up. so sweet. Love is love, you bigoted, religious fuck heads. No H8!!!

00:43:35 - Kira: This movie is much less sexy than it is romantic. this swimming scene is crazy romantic, could do without the music. over kill.

00:44:11- Zac: PSA for the dudes getting bored by all of the water-dancing right now: in Piranha-3D this exact same scene happens with two naked women. In 3D.

00:44:33 - Kira: Lorca is all of us, as he strokes RP's hair. also, making out in deep water seems challenging, logistically. Lots of flailing legs and arms.

00:47:28- Zac: Pairing a Lorca voice-over about how his art has progressed while showing him awkwardly interact with people is kind of brilliant. Meanwhile Dali is having is brain trouble.

00:47:28 - Kira: what is going on in RP's head here? his gayness is making him hallucinate? is this hinting at mental illness?

00:47:28- Saidah: Was that weird laughing thing that was clearly going on in Salvador’s head, supposed to show some sort of mental problem?

00:47:28- Zac: Dear movie: everyone is really confused about what the fuck is happening with the laughing. Fix it, please.

00:50:00 - Kira: Yay, bestie turban party! Aw, smoochus interruptus. Get out of here, Bunuel! RP and Lorca not keeping it cool AT ALL. acting v. suspicious. Chill out, guys! Stay cool!

00:50:00- Renee: Luis is a prick.

00:52:20- Zac: Bunuel is figuring out that something is up between Lorca and Dali (it has taken him this long?) I'm hoping Bunuel is just jealous that Lorca and Dali are such good buddies, but I feel like this face is coming from more of a "gay bashing" place. Though I will say that the actor who plays Bunuel is running away with this movie.

00:52:50 - Kira: So, when Dalí gets nervous he acts like a douche and makes Lorca super uncomfortable and embarrassed on purpose? That's not that cool. I mean, he likes to push the boundaries - no limits and all that - but that seems kind of punitive, like he's punishing Lorca for being embarrassed about being found with a turban on, which is a reasonable thing to be embarrassed about.

00:58:10- Zac: Watching Lorca try to get out of that bathroom to keep Bunuel from reading his diary was like when Cobb was stuck between the two walls in Inception. IT SHOULDN'T BE THAT HARD TO GET OUT! I love how Bunuel is living that episode of The Simpsons where Homer gets all homophobic and subsequently runs into gay people NON STOP. Poor guy. He's like, "I got to get to Paris where there are no homos!" Little do you know, Luis.

00:59:00 - Kira: Bunuel is continuing to have a hard time with this. Man, being in the closet would be the fucking worst.

00:59:20- Renee: Typical. Many of the worse homophobes are deeply closeted and either fear being discovered or figure they can hate themselves into a cure.

00:59:31- Zac: Bunuel reads Lorca's diary, obviously sees something homoerotic and storms off. He literally stands in one place smoking all night, then gets a guy to offer to give him a blowjob...

00:59:31 - Kira: Is he gonna do some gay bashing? I feel like he's gonna do some gay bashing. Things are feeling v. gay bashy.

00:59:32: Zac: OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT, LUIS.

00:59:32 - Kira: Commence gay bashing. This is just like Nip/Tuck, when Matt fell in love w/the lady who was actually a man and he got freaked out about his sexuality so he shaved his head and went to a tranny bar and picked someone up, then, when they got back to the tranny's apartment, Matt freaked out and beat the shit out of the tranny.

00:59:32- Saidah: Some of the time, I feel like this is a film just about Luis Bunuel.

01:01:14 - Kira: YES SEXY TIME

01:01:14- Zac: I have no way of knowing personally, but I feel like Hollywood (or the Spanish equivalent, I guess) is even worse at filming gay sex than straight sex. And this particular sex scene, if you are reading and not watching, ends even worse than it starts.

01:02:49 - Kira: Again with the sex-induced hallucinations. Is it Crazies? internalized self-hating homophobia? is the cacophony of voices supposed to be the collective societal pressures? Also now tears. That's a boner killer. Poor Lorca. Man, RP loves to play the dudes who dish out the blue balls/ovaries.

01:02:55- Zac: Okay, nevermind what I said about no gay guilt. THERE'S LOTS OF GAY GUILT. (I thought Dali tore his ACL for a second during that almost-sex scene, but then I was like, no, this is something else.) Dali is like, nevermind, I'm going to Paris now.

01:02:55- Renee: Alright, I think the point of the voice-over is to hear the piece as it was originally intended because it's only used when Federico reads poems.

01:02:55- Zac: I agree that that was probably the idea, but the Spanish language is obscured by the English voice-over. So there's really no point, in the end. What, were subtitles too expensive?

01:04:04 - Kira: WHAAA? Dalí is running away to Paris to see Banuel? because he's afraid of being ghey?? poooooor Lorca. Dalí, you're really being a jerk right now.

01:05:37- Zac: There is a sequence in which Lorca dreads what Dali will be doing in Paris which is kind of wonderful and lo-fi and funny (though that last bullfighting shot was a little gory, yeesh).

01:05:37- Renee: Terrible green screen...

01:05:38 - Kira: Yes, probably RP will become a total gash hound in Paris. THAT seems realistic, Lorca. Listen, Lorca, we all imagine our exes having amazing fun lives after us, but you're just being silly. P.S. Wow, Paris was crazy! ladies just hung out, breasts bared, all the time, I guess!

01:07:16- Zac: Lorca and Dali meet again, after some time, and Dali is really hostile! Has Bunuel been rubbing off on him (pardon the expression)?

01:07:16 - Kira: yiiiikes. lots of pain there. my eyeballs hurting from Dalí's moustache, Lorca hurt by Dalí being a cavalier asshole, Magdalena (who remains annoying) hurt by Lorca obvs not giving a crap about her or her invitation to Italy. Was gaydar not a thing then? What about radar? Did they have radar?

01:08:37- Zac: No joke, Robert Pattinson is pretty good in this movie. You can see the Dali We Know taking shape, finally.

01:08:40 - Kira: I believe that at the time he was doing it, Dali's schtick was revolutionary and no one had ever done it before, but, from the perspective of now, he just seems like every obnoxious theater nerd in the world. CHECK ME OUT, I'M WEARING TWO DIFFERENT COLORED CONVERSE HIGH TOPS!! I DO MY OWN THING!!

01:10:52- Renee: I just figured it out. R.Pattz is playing Dali as played by Mr. Bean.

01:11:24 - Kira: Jesus, RP is seriously acting the shit out of this role. i'm crazy impressed. also, this scene is painful to watch. he's being a dick and Lorca should punch him in his pretty mouth.

01:11:38- Zac: Dali is really enthusiastically showing Lorca a picture of a naked woman. Very period appropriate; art students would be totally shocked by nudity.

01:11:39 - Kira: "SEE THIS PICTURE OF THE NAKED WOMAN?? I AM DEFINITELY NOT GAY FOR YOU, DUDE, NOT GAY AT ALL, TOTALLY STRAIGHT, ALL ABOUT THE POON!!!"

01:12:00- Zac: Anybody seen The Battleship Potemkin? Are these stairs making you nervous?

01:12:05- Rosanne: This is how I envision Kira and I meeting for the first time. I would like to be wearing the hat, though, if that's okay.

01:13:44- Zac: Hey, this scene is pretty incredible! I'm upgrading Pattinson from "good" to "whoa, great!" after this. Also, Magdalena has THE WORST FUCKING TIMING!

01:13:54- Rosanne: Want that nightgown/coverup/whatever you call it. I firmly believe that all sleepwear should be coral colored. Maybe pale green.

01:14:09 - Kira: male sexuality is so fucking complicated. i mean, it seems easy compared to women, but there is some heavy shit happening here. Dalí dished out a serious guilt-a-rang (I'm not selfish, YOU are selfish, and everyone agrees on that!), then called Lorca a fag, then kissed him and maybe some wang groping? and now here's Magdalena. girl, if a guy wants to fuck you, you can totally tell. you don't need to work so hard.

01:15:00- Zac: So Lorca is going to fuck Lola and Dali is going to watch. This is going to happen.

01:15:30- Saidah: This is a really awkward scene. She can see him!! Right there! By the radiator!

01:16:12- Zac: Hey, was that sex/masturbation scene weird enough for you guys? I'm not saying it's not happening in four or five art school dorm rooms across America right now, but still.

01:16:19 - Kira: HOLY SHIT. A) wow, totes saw some bush, B) okay, sure, whatever works for you, I guess, no limits, but whoa and C) the closest Dalí can come to letting himself be gay with Lorca is to watch him fucking Magdalena. saddest face. :(((((

01:17:00- Saidah: I feel sad for that girl, I would have been deeply disturbed if I was in that room with crazy Dali.

01:17:00 - Kira: that could've ended up being kind of sexy for all of them but it definitely doesn't seem like it did. it's really more like a 6-some because their self-loathing is all up in the mix, too. cool sex, guys. very fun. very sexy. seems like Magdalena really enjoyed herself especially.

File under "W" for "What is this I don't even"

01:17:17 - Kira: Yeah, Dalí taking this whole thing really well, too. Shaved head (also like Matt from Nip/Tuck) the hysterical laughter all by himself. totally normal stuff. and again Dalí disappears without telling Lorca. Lorca, he's a jerk. you deserve better. you should go to Paris, too, meet someone nicer.

01:19:29- Zac: Hey, I know this movie they are showing! SLICING UP EYEBALLS AH HA HA HO. I hate that fucking part of Un Chien Andalou. They gotta show it here, too? (I was wondering about that Andulsian connection - is is true that Dali and Bunuel were trying to make fun of Lorca with it?)

01:19:29- Renee: I have a high threshold for gross but that was beyond.

01:19:30 - Kira: hey, Dalí and Banuel, your movie suuuucks.

01:22:26- Zac: "I don't think you can carry on like this. I mean, you can, of course you can, but it has a price."-Magdelena, in nice little moment with Lorca.

01:22:40 - Kira: textbook "Awkward, Post Kinky, Emotionally Scarring Sexual Encounter" coffee date. Magdalena redeems herself! what a good friend. she's the best. they should travel together, talk about boys, and just be best friends.

01:22:50- Rosanne: Aw, I like Magdalena. I totally understand her character.

01:23:25 - Kira: REAL TALK: this movie is kind of lovely. so proud of Magdalena for making a healthy choice for herself and walking away. good stuff.

1:24:53 - Kira: Aw, does Lorca have a new boyfriend? hope so. that's awesome.

01:27:10- Zac: So my knowledge of Luis Bunuel pretty much stops at Un Chien Andalou. Is like, a total fascist now? He comes into a diner where Lorca is making a speech against Fascism, and I'm a little scared right now.

01:28:10- Zac: False alarm, okay, Bunuel is cool again. Or cool for the first time, really. Lorca is going to visit Dali again.

01:28:22 - Kira: kind of fuck you, Bunuel, but okay. I guess 8 yrs is a long time, maybe the asshole statute of limitations has passed or something.

01:29:30- Zac: Lorca is going to visit Dali again. I admire the aggressive time jumps in this movie, much like Never Let Me Go. NLMG is great by the way, I started thinking of it again during Magdalena's speech on the coffee date. See that movie.

01:29:30 - Kira: i predict Dalí will be awful and a jerk and this reunion will be terrible. why should he go? don't go, Lorca. you're doing great!

01:29:30- Rosanne: Bear lamp/lamppost in the lobby--MUST HAVE.

01:29:37- Renee: Though obviously a set, that hotel is wonderful and I wish I had built it.

01:29:37 - Kira: nice hotel, Dalí. total man of the people, very salt of the earth.

01:30:25- Zac: I kind of resent the way this movie frames Dali's eccentricities as total affectations. Like he was a normal dude who was just a TOTAL FAKE. It has nothing to do with Pattinson's acting; he is very much like Johnny Depp, but I mean that in a good way. I mean "convincingly weird." (It would be a lot of fun to get to see him screw around with this character more, were it not for the overwhelming sense of melancholy.) But by framing the story around Lorca like this, it does the same thing that Accidental Billionaires (the book) apparently did and The Social Network managed to avoid - taking the position of one character over the other.

01:30:25- Renee: Only those who knew someone when they were nothing can see how fake they become. I want that record player, and the settee.

01:31:00 - Kira: "you look the same." "thanks." "i've grown this moustache." -(awesome RP moment, so cute, so weird)

01:31:00- Renee: The mustache just keeps getting worse.

01:31:30 - Kira: nice hotel, Dalí. total man of the people, very salt of the earth.

01:32:03- Zac: Dali introduces Lorca to Yoko, or whatever his wife's name is.

01:34:56- Zac: Dali gives a weird speech in support of "cleansing" and Fascism, apparently in jest. But that is a thing we talk about when we talk about Dali. He's apparently been mostly cleared of those accusations, for the record.

01:34:56-Rosanne: I'd like to marry this hotel in addition to that dormitory.

01:35:50- Renee: I’ll also take the chair and the couch.

01:36:21 Kira: yuck, Dalí. you're a bummer. you and your wife are grody. so, basically, Gala has sex with all the famous artists so Dali can watch because he's broken inside? run, Lorca. run.

01:37:37- Zac: Dali has a wife, Lorca has a new partner, and Dali basically tries to propose the same living situation Alice tries to propose in the batshit Twilight Fan Fiction story The Edge. Just saying.

01:37:38- Rosanne: Dali seems like he must have been a very unhappy person.

01:39:09 - Kira: not surprised Lorca said no. Dali really botched that proposition. do you know Lorca AT ALL, Dalí? that's not what Lorca wants and why would you think it was? Gala and Dalí have created a relationship that works for them, and good for them, but Lorca just wants something more traditionally unconventional. the sweetness between Gala and Dalí, as she comforts him, is very touching. was real life Gala older than Dalí? the actress was definitely older and there was a maternal quality to her interactions with him. man, Dalí was fucked up.

01:40:53- Zac: I'm happy that Bunuel gets some redemption in this thing, with his unheeded warnings to Lorca. This is not going to end well, is it?

01:40:30 - Kira: dude, Lorca, don't go to Granada. you will definitely not come back.

01:45:00- Kira: he definitely doesn't come back.

This part was sofuckingsad! MAN.

01:46:24- Kira: oh man, and RP knocks it out of the park with that last scene. damn, RP. well done.

01:46:24- Rosanne: Okay, I am basically sobbing now. I can't handle seeing other people grieve. I hate to see others hurting.

01:49:00- Saidah: I sort of wish there was a happy ending, but I guess that’s what happens in a biopic.

01:49:15- Renee: I was not expecting that ending. I will say this film was better than I thought it would be.

01:49:21- Zac: Um, I'm kind of impressed! In the end this is a very sad, good film! The first half was rocky, like, REALLY rocky, but that's forgivable, given the last half. Most films have the opposite problem.

01:49:21- Kira: this movie was so much better than i expected! it really was more of a love story than a sexy-sex story. and i'm just so proud of RP, guys. i want to give him a high five, with my mouth, on his mouth...you see where i'm going with this.