Sunday, February 20, 2011

Ashley Greene's Birthday Party (Brought To You By Pure Nightclub, Angel Management Group, Fiji Water and Caesar's Palace) Open Thread

So we're seeing a few of the pictures of Ashley Greene's heavily-corporate-sponsored birthday party this morning, and so far it looks like a Party Down episode came to life. First of all: it was Candyland-themed. What. I mean, my sister once had an American Girl Doll-themed birthday party, but she was 11 years old. Ashley Greene is 24. There's a weird, pedophiliac vibe to that lollipop picture that should make Joe Jonas (and everyone else) a little worried. Second of all, Greene brought in her VIP guests to Vegas in with goofily ostentations displays of wealth: private planes and stretch hummers, oy vey!

But whatever, our girl looks good!

There was a minor controversy, caught by the great 247Greene, when the friend I singled out on Friday posted a negative tweet about Pure Nightclub and Caesar's Palace and then deleted it, only to later post this:
Trouble in corporate-sponsored paradise? We'll see! I'll update this post when (and if) there is more to report.

UPDATE 12:50pm: More weird pictures!

If this picture turns you on in any way, get help. A dialysis machine, at the very least.

The girl at the top right is @AndreaKelley, who tweeted that she hates Pure nightclub. She does not look particularly psyched right then.

I don't know what this is, but I like it. My guess is that Ashley Greene is doing her best imitation of Thom Yorke in the "Lotus Flower" video.

UPDATE 2:35pm: So you're probably thinking when is Zac going to post some pictures of Ashley Greene looking mega drunk? The answer is 2:35pm! It looks like it wasn't a bad party after all, despite the weird "sexualized children" imagery and the corporate sponsorship!
UPDATE 3:00pm: We've got some blind quotes about the party! Look how heterosexual Joe Jonas sounds! "She was all over him on the dance floor," one person says. "I think I saw Joe slyly slip his hand up her skirt." Oh my! "They were so close on the dance floor. At one point, Ashley was dancing up and down his body while he was holding her hips biting his lip." Dancing up and down his body! Lip biting! Obviously by opening the party up to the public, the Ashley Greene team at Angel Management and Fiji Water or whatever were hoping this kind of thing would happen, but where are the really crazy stories? Where's "Ashley fucked him right there in front of everybody!" You have to take all of these and divide them by half to get at the truth. Maybe she danced up his body, but certainly not back down. If he slipped his hand up her skirt, it was up the back.

Finally there is a wonderfully insinuating write-up of the party over at the Daily Mail. The message between the lines is the Jonases are a wonderful religious family and Ashley is a walking virginity destroying machine. I'm not saying there are wrong about that, I'm just saying the article screams with the judgement of the (presumably) puritanical author.

She left her auburn brown hair down, opting for minimal make-up, while her 21-year-old Jonas Brothers beau wore a black jacket over a grey T-shirt and jeans.
However, the singer appeared to be without his purity ring, which he and his brothers have worn to symbolise their commitment to no sex before marriage.
The Jonas boys are the sons of a former Assemblies Of God pastor and are committed Evangelical Christians.
Meanwhile, Ashley was treated to bowls of candy and an ice-cream cone castle cake for her special occasion.
She later received a giant swirled lollipop all for her own, which she carried around with her in the nightclub.

I really love the "meanwhile." The article goes on to note that they moved in together after "six short months of dating" and references Kevin Jonas's wife, a former hairdresser. I'm not sure if they are mocking Jashley for being mutual starfuckers, mocking Danielle Jonas for being a hairdresser, or both. Somehow Brits can pull off that 360-degree condescension better than we can.


Emma said...

I feel ill just looking at that cake. And that lolly. I had one just like that when I was little, but smaller. I'd got a tiny way through before I felt really sick and my teeth felt like death.
Anyway, "Candyland-themed" is just reminding me of Charlie the Unicorn, and that song they sing at the end of the first one, haha.

Kira said...

that looks like one of the least fun birthday parties ever. look at how empty the club looks, and how tacky the cake it. and all the girls look like they're posing for winter formal pictures. bammer, AG. you deserve better. next time do it at the forty deuce so you can at least be in a pussycat dolls show or something.