Last time, uh, there was an arm wrestling match. Sarcastic Meow asked me if there was some masturbatory significance to that. I don't really know. What do arm wrestling matches mean in like, dreams?
Chapter 27: Travel Plans
It's funny that I'm posting this on 4/20, becauseI'm pretty sure Bella is high at the beginning of this chapter. “When I looked back over my first three months as a vampire, I imagined how the thread of my life might look in the Fates' loom,” she writes. Then she wonders what color her thread would be now: red or gold? “The tapestry of family and friends that wove together around me was a beautiful, glowing thing, full of their bright, complimentary colors.” Uh-huh.
“Give me the bong back. You've had enough.”-Alice Cullen
But it becomes clear we're fast-forwarding through time. We hear that Quil and Embry have joined Jacob's pack. Of course! Jake and Quil need to exchange molestation tips. We hear that Sue Clearwater has been coming with Charlie to the Cullen house “to smooth [his] transition into the world of make-believe.” That's a pretty weird way to date, you two. Go to a movie! That'll smooth your transition into make-believe, AND you can also touch each other! We also hear that Leah is the second-in-command in Jacob's pack now, but is still a bitch. Bella doesn't care. “Happiness was the main component in my life now,” she says. “So much so” that Jasper hovers around her constantly, which Edward explains is not due to concern, but rather just an eagerness to be in such a good emotional climate. “You're so happy all the time, love, he gravitates toward you without thinking,” he says. I mean, every once in a while you gotta take a break from the non-stop porno extravaganza going on in Alice's brain, right?
There was a flipside to the joy, though. If you turned the fabric of our lives over, I imagined the design on the backside would be woven in bleak grays of doubt and fear.
Seriously, give the bong back. Also: the fabric of our lives? As in The Touch, The Feel, Of Cotton? Let's fix that metaphor.
There was a flipside to the joy, though. If you turned over the great-looking naked body of our lives, the tramp stamp would be a bleak and doubtful image, like a frowning vulture.
Renesmee continues to grow at a startling rate, speaking her first word at one week old. It's “momma.” As in “Momma, I need a better name.” A few weeks later, RNSM watches Alice arranging flowers across the room. You guessed it: Alice is “dancing back and forth across the floor with her arms full of flowers.” RNSM gets up and walks to her, “almost as gracefully.”
“Bullshit. It takes years to get this fly, yo.”-Alice Cullen
Is it clear that we're in the middle of a montage? We totally are. There's going to be an acoustic Ben Gibbard song up in this shit for sure. “Alice and Rosalie usually began our day with a fashion show,” Bella says. Hot. But oh wait, she means for the baby. Gross. And RNSM really sounds like one of those creepy child models, check it out:
She wasn't shaped exactly like a toddler; she was leaner and more graceful, her proportions were more even, like an adult's.
YIKES. (S. Meyer has sons, right?) Apparently the kid can also read. “I'd been reading Tennyson to her one night,” Bella says (is it me or is it impossible not to laugh when you read that on the page? Why am I hearing it in Gwyneth Paltrow's voice?), when her daughter reached for the book and started reading aloud. It freaks Bella the fuck out, and we hear that based on Carlisle's calculations, RNSM will be an adult in four years.
Edward and Carlisle have been plotting an exit strategy from Forks, eying Brazil as a place to go in search of clues about RNSM. Because she was conceived near there, I guess? No, there are some native people who have some similar legends they want to look into. Oh good, let's exploit another set of indigenous people before we finish up. But Bella wants to wait to leave until after the holidays because of Charlie. And she also wants to pay a visit to the Volturi. By herself.
(Well that is sort of) Interesting! Turns out Alice sent the Volturi a wedding announcement, and that Aro sent a gift along in response: a white diamond “the size of a golf ball” inside an “ornate wooden box.” Alice says the box is really nice by itself (well, of course she thinks the box is nice by itself). Along with the gift is a note, in which Aro mentions looking forward to meeting the new Mrs. Cullen “in person.” Pun intended? Who knows! Anyway, that's why Bella wants to go, to hopefully call off the dogs and protect RNSM.
She tells us of the plans being made—we're still in past-perfect tense (or "montage tense") for another moment—Edward wants to accompany Bella part of the way but settles for Carlisle doing it instead. Alice scans the future and the reply is hazy ask again later.
A few days before the trip, Jacob, Bella, and RNSM are hunting together. Huh? Since when do they do that? I guess they do that now. Bella and Jacob are bickering over whether or not Jacob can come with them to Brazil (“Only if you agree to get a Brazillian with me,”-Alice Cullen) when the snow starts to fall, and Renesmee starts playing in it.
Last time I mentioned the way S. Meyer seems to think she is lending clever structure to her narratives when she drops a sentence or two early on that pays off later. Okay, fair enough, but she only ever does it on a chapter-by-chapter basis. There's nothing long-term, narrative-wise; she always knocks over pins as soon as she sets them up. Earlier in this chapter, there's the section in which Bella discusses Alice's view of the future:
Alice kept searching for the future, but the things she found were unrelated to what she was looking for. A new trend in the stock market; a possible visit of reconciliation from Irina, though her decision was not firm; a snowstorm that wouldn't hit for another six weeks...
But Alice, it's snowing right now! So when Bella starts scanning the countryside while Jacob and RNSM hunt nearby, surprise surprise: they see a new trend in the stock market! JK they have a visitor! Irina stands on the hillside, looking vaguely like S. Meyer's idea of a femme fatale. Before Bella has a chance to wave, Irina sees Jacob (in wolf form) and RNSM, and Bella can read her anguished expression. (Irina, recall, used to fuck Laurent, who was killed by Jacob and others.) Irina runs away, and Bella is like, “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.”
She calls Edward and Carlisle, who show up and run after Irina, but probably won't catch her. Wasn't Irina the name of Tony Soprano's first, semi-crazy mistress? The one who called Carmela? Who had the sister with one leg? She was trouble. Irinas are always trouble. I apologize in advance if any of my readers are named Irina.