Kellan Lutz had just finished loading all of the Fiestaware into the dishwasher when his roommate Ashley Greene stumbled down the stairs and threw an empty wine cooler bottle in his general direction.
"Ashley," Kellan said in a softly nagging voice. "The rubbish bin is right there."
"So why don't you throw it out?" Ashley hissed. "You're closer." She wandered over to the white leather couch, sat down, and burped. "Do we have any chicken fingers?" she asked.
"No, you ate them all," Kellan said softly.
"Do we have any more weed?"
"No, you ate it all," Kellan sighed. "Do you have your share of the rent, by the way?"
"Didn't we just pay rent like a month ago?"
"Yes, Ashley. Think about that for a second."
"Well, fuck. None of my movies ever get released Kellan, how do you expect me to have any money?"
"Well you're always going to clubs--and coming home at all hours, but anyway--you should be charging appearance fees. Build your brand."
"Kellan," Ashley said. "If I wanted to be a whore I would have just been a whore. And when you use the word 'brand' without irony I just want to...punch you in the face until you're fucking dead."
"That's not very nice Ashley. And you have to do the dishes next time."
Ashley turned on the X-Box 360 and gave Kellan the finger."Ashley!" Kellan called up the stairs. "Get down here. We need to have a roommate meeting."
"In a second!" Ashley called.
20 minutes later Ashley came down the stairs in a FUBU jersey and spanx.
"Is that my shirt?" Kellan asked. "Are those my spanx?"
"No these were Jack Jonas's."
"Don't you mean Joe Jonas?"
"Probably." Ashley made a jerking off hand motion for some reason.
"When was the last time you did laundry? When I'm in your bedroom I can't even see the carpet."
"That's what he said," Ashley chuckled.
"Ashley, I've made a schedule for chores around the apartment."
"Listen. I have generously taken most of the workload. But you need to pull your weight at least a little." He gestured at the calendar on the refrigerator. "As you can see, blue star stickers represent Kellan chores, and smiley face stickers represent Ashley chores."
"Anal-retentive much?" Ashley snorted.
"You are required to clean the kitchen every three weeks. I will take the other weeks," Kellan continued, ignoring her. "And you have bathroom cleaning duties once annually, starting in 2015. Does that sound like something you can handle?"
"Yes Fuhrer," Ashley said, placing two fingers under her nose to resemble Hitler's mustache. She goose-stepped into the living room and fell face-first onto the couch, immediately snoring.
"Oh Kellan, thank god you're here!" Ashley shouted, running down the stairs and into his arms. She started sobbing into his shoulder. "This crackhead tried to get into the apartment and he was slamming himself against the door and it was so scary! I locked myself in my room and hid under my bed, I thought I was going to die. I've been up there for two hours!" She wept uncontrollably.
"There, there," Kellan said, patting the back of her head. "It's OK. You're OK. I'll protect you, I promise." He carried her over to the couch.
"I'm sorry I'm such a shitty roommate," Ashley mumbled, wiping her nose on his shirt.
"Aw, come on Asher, you're a great roommate," he said.
"Don't fucking patronize me," she sobbed.
"Okay, you're a terrible roommate. But I love you anyway."
"I'll do better, I promise."
"Ok," Kellan said.
"You promise you'll never leave me alone again?" Ashley looked up at him weakly.
"I promise. You can go grocery shopping with me this afternoon."
"Oh that sounds like fun," Ashley said sarcastically. "After that, maybe we can tour the gas chambers! Please Dr. Mengele, can we?"
"Ashley," Kellan said sternly.
"You're right," she said quickly, pecking him on the cheek. "I'm sorry. That sounds like fun."
Now YOU write one!