Planned Parenthood Offers Important Vampire Sex Tips

So I unsubscribed from Planned Parenthood's email list a few days ago (the fundraising appeals were making me feel guilty. I'll hook you guys up when I'm flush again, k?) and now I feel like they're rubbing it in my face. The following message apparently went out this morning, give it a read (via TPM):

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: October 31, 2011
Contact: PPFA Media Office, 212-261-xxxx
Thinking About Having Sex with a Vampire This Halloween?

Planned Parenthood Is Here to Help

Let’s face it: vampires can rack up a lot of sexual partners over the years. Your vampire might be the same age as you, or she or he might be thousands of years old. But no matter how old you are, if you’re going to jump into bed with a vampire, you’re going to need more than a clove of garlic to protect your health.

Here are some things to think about before you enter into a sexual relationship with a vampire:

Vampires might be immortal, but you’re not. It’s important for both vampires and humans to get tested for STDs. Use this tool to find out if you should get tested for STDs.

Ladies, just because a vampire says he can’t get you pregnant*, it doesn’t mean he can’t give you an STD. And guys, just because a vampire says she’s on the pill, it doesn’t mean that you can’t get an STD. Use a condom correctly every time.

Don’t wait until you’re in the heat of the moment to bring up safer sex. Vampires have been known to “glamour” people to get their way, so play it safe and make it clear that you won’t have sex without protection right from the start.

Remember, a vampire who doesn’t care about protecting your health is not the kind of vampire that you want to get involved with. Not sure if you’re dating the right vampire? We can help you figure it out.

* Let’s not forget, Edward got Bella pregnant in the Twilight series, going against hundreds of years of vampire lore. So even if your vampire tells you he can’t get you pregnant, why risk it? Condoms are not only a great way to prevent STDs, they’re effective at preventing pregnancy. Even better, use a condom along with another birth control method.

Well played, Planned Parenthood. Well played. And Happy Halloween, everybody! Related: Blogging Breaking Dawn: Knocked Up!

(To donate to Planned Parenthood's action fund, click here.)

No Church In The Wild: An Advice Column

I just broke up with my lover because he wanted to go backwards from being involved to dating. He has some serious mental/health problems (which I have never minded supporting him about). He says he is like - fucked. And needs 6 months+ to try to get a handle on his shit. Also maybe he wants to fuck other people. He doesn't want to put me on hold til then. Chances we will ever reconnect?

Hopefully there's no chance! Dude sounds like bad news. His mental breakdown just HAPPENED to coincide with a desire to fuck other people? FLAG ON THE PLAY. I know we'd all like to use the insanity defense every now and then (last night I ordered a pizza and I feel guilty about it today but I was perfectly sane when I did it, you know?) but its bullshit most of the time. Unless it's used to avoid the death penalty or an overly-severe punishment for a non-violent drug offense, in which case it's legit even if it's a lie. The system's broken!

Make a clean break from this joker. He didn't have the guts to actually dump you, so he blamed his brain and even tried to keep you in his pocket to fuck later. If you're still hoping to reconnect after that, YOU are the one who is crazy. (I'm not being glib here, I'm seriously saying you should seek out a medical health professional. Maybe he'll be hot!)

In my last relationship, I didn't even get break-up sex and the last sex she had was with someone else. This seems to be a pattern with me. I'm loyal and faithful but unforgiving. Relationship over. In analyzing this, I believe I give the impression that I don't give a damn. I'm no romantic and I don't believe in anniversaries, holidays and all that horseshit. They make no effort to hid that they cheated on me like they did it on purpose. Have you ever met a woman that would match my profile?

Let me get this straight: you don't want to be romantic (or apparently put much effort toward a relationship at all) but you still demand fidelity? Why? What's it to you? If anniversaries and holidays are horseshit, why isn't monogamy? Who the fuck are you to deem that? Why are you doing all this DEEMING, man? Ease up on the deeming.

There's an old saying: "Your girl vindictively fucks someone else once: shame on her. Your next girl vindictively fucks someone else too: you must have strange expectations about relationships." It's as true today as it was when Ben Franklin wrote it in 1991. Take his advice to heart, even though THAT Ben Franklin was just some guy my dad knew.

I still wish I could help you out, but my new dating site, Heteronormative-Patriarchal-Fuckwad-Match.com is still under construction. I've just got a piece of clip-art and a midi file up there while I meet with venture capitalists. But I heard there's a dating site for Ayn Rand fans, so maybe you could start there while you wait for me to develop my algorithm. And if you run into Sean Parker, mention my name, okay? Thanks.

"Change it to Fuckwad-Match.com. It's cleaner."-Sean Parker

If someone went for almost 16 months without having sex and had zero prospects for the immediate future, what would you tell them? Some have said it's not that big a deal. Others are more honest and think it's a grim scenario at best. You?

I was at an airport recently and through a series of wacky events my luggage got switched with Rick Santorum's. Weird, right? Anyway that day I found out what a Fleshlight is. Have you heard of them?

But seriously, Ross--I mean, whoever you are--16 months is not so bad. Hell, I went without sex for almost fifteen years! I'm sure as soon as you learn to walk and reach the next level of cognitive development you'll be knee deep in pussy. Just mind that soft spot on the top of your head.

I'm still kidding, buddy! Think about it this way: in the olden days, King Arthur only let his Knights of The Roundtable get laid once a year. Hard to believe, right? THAT'S BECAUSE I JUST MADE IT UP, THOSE GUYS GOT LAID CONSTANTLY. You're doomed. Donate your genitals to science before they fall off from lack of use. Thanks for writing in.

Got a problem? Hit me up here. Use the "ask anonymously" option please. Previously: "One hundred monkeys in a room with one hundred typewriters will eventually have sex with each other."

What Should Be On Hunger Games Soundtrack?

First of all: a bunch of Hunger Games character posters were released across several movie sites today. They all seem to be respecting each other's exclusive, and I don't want to violate Movie Blog omerta, so here's MTV's post (with Peeta) which contains links to all the others. My reaction? Peeta and Cato look identical, and Gale's not that far off. BLAND WHITE DUDES YAY! Cinna and Effie look the best, duh, and Woody Harrelson looks like he got them do to that weird CGI anti-aging thing for him like Jeff Bridges in Tron Legacy.

Moving on: I was listening to this Margot & The Nuclear So & So's track the other day called "Skeleton Key," and suddenly I was like, Peeta! Katniss! (I had a similar revelation about "Bad Romance" and Edward/Bella a few years ago.) I mean, as a whole the lyrics don't work, but individually a lot of them do, with stuff about nursing people back to health, questions about loyalty, and then there's this part about dying a "fictional tribute"? Plus the repeated refrain of "You've got to let me know." INDEED!

Anyway, it got me thinking about the inevitable Hunger Games soundtrack, which may or may not make use of popular indie rock like Twilight has done (I'm pretty sure there's a new Christina Perri video out from the BD soundtrack, but I'm not even going to look for a link for it because who really gives a good damn, I mean really). If that were the case, what do you think should be on the soundtrack? I'm thinking stuff that invokes hunger and fire, mostly. The Rolling Stones's "Play With Fire" would be good for the whole fire suit thing (or if they wanted to do a little joke, do the Wax song "Southern California"). The Wolf Parade song "Dear Sons And Daughters Of Hungry Ghosts" would be sufficiently epic for an action scene (really if you wanted to be ballsy, you could use that entire Wolf Parade album for the whole thing, it would work SO WELL). But anyway, what do you think?

Also: over at NextMovie they've got an article about what the Cullens would wear for Halloween this year. Other than the mildly racist suggestion that Angela would be an anime character, it's not a bad read, especially since they suggest Alice would do drag.

BLOGGING THE HUNGER GAMES pt. 22: That Awkward Moment When

So! First post after everyone (including me) agreed how bored they were! YIKES! Here goes nothing! Previous entries can be found in the directory.

Chapter 22

Katniss wakes up, thinking she's back at home, in her bed with her family. Psyche, you're in a shitty cave with Peeta! That's like when you're waking up and you half-dream that there's some really good food in front of you, like Chinese food, and then you reach for it and there's nothing there...and also you're in a cave with fucking Peeta.

He tells Katniss that he woke up and found her in a pool of blood. He bandaged her up, with what I am not sure (“Your bra.”-Peeta) and now proceeds to help her gain her strength back. ROLE REVERSAL! All in the space of like, 20 pages! There's a raging storm outside, and Katniss guesses that the Gamemakers are doing it to juice up the fight between Cato and Thresh. She tells Peeta what happened with the latter dude showing her mercy and Peeta mentions that they should hope Cato kills him so they don't have to. Seems crass, but I was thinking more or less the same thing. I don't like agreeing with Peeta, it makes me feel dirty.

Hearing Peeta talk about it gives Katniss her most human moment yet; she realizes that she doesn't “want anyone else to die” and is full of profound rage at the Capitol. But she doesn't say anything, for fear of like, bears ravaging their cave in retaliation or something. Could happen! Hover bears, maybe!

Later she asks Peeta about the area of the arena that seems to be Thresh's domain, he tells her it's an endless field of tall grass with a “sinister feeling to it.” So obviously we'll end up there sooner or later; Chekov once said if there's a field of tall grass in Act II someone has to run through it in Act III. Or mow it. Peeta's fear of the field (c'mon buddy, if there's grass in the field, you know?) causes Katniss to unfavorably compare him to Gale. Peeta grew up in a house that always smelled “like baking bread” whereas Gale graduated from the university of hard knocks, with a BA from the Kennedy School of Paranoia. He'd see the field as a risk but also a potential reward—and wouldn't, we gather, be as much of a pussy as Peeta is being. She wonders if the revolutionary rhetoric she and Gale used to toss around would “shock” Peeta.

Wait, wasn't Katniss the one having a political awakening like two chapters ago? Wasn't she finally realizing what Peeta and Gale meant when they trashed the government? I've got whiplash over here. Katniss's level of awareness and political savvy changes from paragraph to paragraph; she's like an Occupy Wall Street protestor. PEETA IS THE 1%!

I've been saying for a while that The Hunger Games will be a pretty good movie, but I might be wrong. Because here, Peeta thinks about food and Katniss guesses that the sponsor well dried up with the cost of those roofies. That prompts Peeta to earnestly beg her not to risk her life for him. Unsure of how honest Peeta is but realizing at any rate that this drama will make for good television, Katniss launches into soap opera mode. “Maybe I did it for myself, Peeta? Did you ever think of that?” she says, maybe throwing a glass of water emphatically. But then, finally, she starts thinking of what would happen if Peeta died, and is overcome with REAL emotion. Let's back up and go over what happened in that fucking paragraph again:

1. Peeta either made a real confession about his fears and feelings for Katniss or is faking really well
2. Katniss realized the potential for audience manipulation and began to fake-react to Peeta
3. Her fake acting brought out actual emotions and the line blurred for her and us as to what she feels

It all starts to clear up in a sec, but as an actor how do you play that scene without coming across as A. far too ambiguous for mainstream audiences or B. ridiculous? It leads to a “real” kiss, real in this case meaning that neither of them is deathly ill and both of them are approaching human emotions for once. Katniss feels a stirring in her chest, but obviously isn't sure what to make of it. ("Is my hard-drive overheating?"-Robot Katniss) Still, she's ready to table the ambiguity for a hot minute and do some more smooching.

Then Peeta notices her head is bleeding again, and the moment is ruined. Cockblocked by your own bleeding head, ain't that always the way? The next day the rain continues to pour and Katniss and Peeta are starving. She guesses that Haymitch and the sponsors want more than physical intimacy (which is weird, why wouldn't you just want MORE PHYSICAL INTIMACY, it's television!), and she wonders how to draw Peeta into such a conversation. And then point-blank asks him when he started crushing on her. Very smooth, Katniss.

So Peeta's “how long I've loved you story” is long and a little weird. Like, it turns out Peeta's dad used to love Katniss's mom. And his dad told Peeta that on the first day of school. COOL THING TO TELL YOUR SON! “Your mother was actually my second choice.” But she left Peeta's dad for a coalminer. Haughty child Peeta was like “Father, why ever would a woman forsake thee for a mere peasant?” And Papa Peeta says Katniss's dad had a lovely singing voice, and that's what won him the girl. That's what did it? Well, chicks love Michael Buble, so. Anyway that first day of school Katniss sang, and Peeta's been crushing on her ever since. (Holy shit, what if this book ends with Katniss becoming a pop star?) A bamboozled Katniss continues to try to square the increasingly circular romance:

For a moment I'm almost foolishly happy and then confusion sweeps over me. Because we're supposed to be making this stuff up, playing at being in love, not actually being it. But Peeta's story has a ring of truth to it.

A ring of truth as loud as a fucking belltower am I right? Peeta confesses to essentially stalking Katniss for her whole life and tells her she just hasn't been paying attention (“Go back and look at your family photographs. I'm in ALL OF THEM”).

“I am now,” I say.
“Well, I don't have much competition here,” he says.

That's not true! Have you heard Katniss talk about how “huge” Thresh is? But anyway, instead of feeling like she needs to put on a show, Katniss suddenly wants privacy. Oh my! She says “You don't have much competition anywhere,” goes in for a kiss, violins swell, rockets take off, etcetera.

But just as our lovers embrace, something lands outside the cave. Katniss snaps into killmode (which probably doesn't diminish Peeta's excitement level) but it's a gift from Haymitch: a whole fucking feast with like, unlimited breadsticks and salad and shit. Okay.

So I sort of feel like the “hunger” theme of this book is underdeveloped. I mean, yeah, in the feast is the same stew that Katniss raved about on TV before the games, which gives it the illusion of coming full circle, but Katniss hasn't really been that hungry so far, has she? You sort of get the sense it was worse for her outside the games, when she had to provide for her mother and sister and to a lesser extent Gale's family. The only other significant “hunger” thing I can think of is the time Katniss's “hallow day” foreshadows Rue's death. The rest of it has just been feasting on wild turkeys and mint leaves and berries. Some hunger, eh?

A Breaking Dawn Clip To Get The Dread Going

0:02: I bet you good money a sound guy tried to work that same sound into one of the sex scenes.

0:09: Thresholds are symbolically significant in many films, most notably The Searchers. Note here that the door twists. The message to the viewer: shit's about to get twisted. Also: "I'm nothing if not traditional."--I bet you good money a sound guy tried to work that same line into one of the sex scenes.

0:14: I was going to make an Architectural Digest joke but then I remembered this house was actually in Architectural Digest.

0:18: That poor bed! It has no idea what's coming (pun always intended). It's not unlike watching those videos of Gaddafi right before he got killed.

0:25: STEAMY PUSH IN. HEAVING CHEST. LIGHT PIANO. THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND PAIRS OF PANTS UNZIPPING.

0:35: Edward is being weird about the luggage. Unpack later!

0:41: No one in a sexual relationship this new should ever say "You tired?"

0:47: At the end of a day of shooting does Robert Pattinson's face hurt from doing that whole-face-crinkling smile/grimace?

0:53: "Don't take too long, Mrs. Cullen," was the line the Twilight twitter account used to post this video. Weird that they would highlight a line performed so flatly by Pattinson, eh?

1:00: UGHHHH they cut away before he took his shirt off! NOOOOOOO!

Also: people in the comments are already freaking out about minor line tweaks and the absence of a kiss to Bella's forehead. To wit:

Uh oh,where's the kiss on the forehead???.......hope this isn't the clip that's in the movie.

Oh don't worry, that will be in the director's cut? Anyway.

Ashley Greene The Pull-Quote Machine

I had an article ready to go about the continued plight of Ashley Greene's career, but homegirl is pre-empting me with an article in BlackBook about what a self-assured savvy cutthroat girl-next-door she is. And maybe that's true? I mean, I feel like she hasn't worked in a while, and all these "upcoming" projects have been upcoming since 2009, but Greene observes in the article that she's at a weird Hollywood age where she's too old to play daughters but too young to play wives. Sounds like a Fiona Apple line or something, but it's true enough.

Maybe I should cut her a break for seeming to pursue the "professional famous person" lifestyle rather than the "actor" life. Maybe she's just biding her time, coasting on her millions of dollars and boning some dudes while she waits to age a few years. I can get behind that!

(But in the old version of this article I had a great metaphor about how Kristen Stewart's career was a Prius: it's going to run for a long time and it gives back to the environment. And Ashley Greene's career was shaping up to be the Weasley family's Ford Anglia: invisible and powered by magic. It feels less accurate today, but still begged for inclusion.)

And the BlackBook article is full of punchy quotes and stories. She used to work at the Roosevelt in Hollywood. (Hey, I was there once! I partied on a rooftop with Sway! Entourage was actually a pretty realistic show, now that I think about it.) Also, when she was a kid she broke her leg and then broke it again when she crashed her wheelchair. That's pretty gnarly. The article even concludes by noting that Ashley Greene doesn't attribute her success to God like the Justin Biebers of the world are wont to do. Right on, AG!

(The only strange part of the article is when AG says she asked the Sobe folks to go easy on the photoshop, and not to hide her flaws. The reporter: "Perhaps they lie beneath the pink, scaly bikini that was painted onto her muscular form." So you're saying she must have a weird vagina?)

But then I read her "style timeline" and profile in Allure, and the darkness returned to the edge of town. There's a few interesting spots: AG complains that the makers of The Apparition would have put her in lingerie "in every scene" if they'd could have. (But if they'd succeeded in doing so would the movie be in pre-release limbo forevermore?) She also dismisses rumors of a relationship with Jackson Rathbone. My favorite quote is this one, though:

This is my second birthday in Vegas, and for whatever reason, I wanted it to be Candy Land–themed.

For whatever reason! "I don't know I was drunk probably." Of the aforementioned painted-on swimsuit, she says "Oh, sorry, Dad." You may have wanted to keep that card in your pocket for later, AG. Because if I was her father I'd want an apology for THIS:

Greene has been linked to an impressive roster of men, including Twilight costar Jackson Rathbone, Kings of Leon bassist Jared Followill, and Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane. "Seth and I are friends, and he texts me..."

EWWWWWWW SETH MACFARLANE? GUHHHHHHHHGHGTHTSHKLJHS. That is the sound of any attraction to AG leaving my body like an exorcised demon. You can't see this, but as I am typing, a horde of wasps is flying out of my mouth. She denies that they are dating, but the fact that Seth MacFarlane has even thought about AG in that way, even in that fake "Hey buddy, the tabloids say we're dating, isn't that funny ha ha ha?" way. NO SETH. As usual, you are wrong about what is funny. And I need to wash my eyes out with soap and put some salve on all these wasp stings.

The other line that's getting a lot of play is the moment when AG uses a Jennifer Aniston/ Angelina Jolie analogy to refer to Demi Lovato. A few outlets ran with it, like, "how dare she compare herself to Jen?" But I get the feeling Ashley Greene uses a lot of Aniston/Jolie metaphors, like how some people use football metaphors or Hitler metaphors. "This spinach salad is totally the Jennifer Aniston to your steak's Angelina Jolie." And even if not, it's still not as bad as her "female comedians" gaffe from way back. This quote is the Aniston to that one's Jolie.

Anyway, for details on AG's Allure, Blackbook, Flare, and Cat Fancy covers go to 247Greene. They're kicking it into high gear over there lately. We've also still got that Esquire profile coming up. I am excited in the grimmest way possible.

23 COSTUME IDEAS

1. John Boehner (orange facepaint, glue on tears)
2. Slutty John Boehner (subtract shirt, add orange chest paint, smoke cigarettes, pronounce it "boner")
3. Sarah Palin (tell people you are going to come to their party and then don't go) (revised from the 2010 version of the costume where you go and then leave halfway through because you can "help the party more" that way)
4. Slutty Barack Obama (say to a girl in a low, sultry voice: "Yes. We. Can." Extra points: be really good at foreplay but terrible at actually doing the deed)
5. Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark (stumble around the house breaking shit and falling)
6. Guy Who Compares Everything To Hitler (someone pours him a drink: "Jeez, you're like the Hitler of the bar, bro)
7. Robot Kanye West (Kanye shades, spout lots of cryptic Illuminati stuff in autotune voice)
8. Robot Jay-Z ("I guess I got my swagger.exe downloaded!")
9. Miranda July and/or Annie Clark (for curly-haired white girls with big eyes: just be really neurotic all night)
10. Slutty Miranda July and/or Annie Clark (read some of Miranda July's short fiction aloud or take off all of your clothes and throw them in the party host's freezer)
11. Dr. Who (just kidding, don't do this, shut up about Dr. Who)
12. The Dark Knight Rises (batman suit, fake or real erection)
13. "Pregnant" Beyonce (wear a fake baby bump, drink excessively, drop baby bump occasionally, get on the phone and yell at surrogate)
14. Julian Assange (sexy gray wig, look at everyone else's phone)
15. Rupert Murdoch (less sexy gray wig, same behavior)
16. Member Of The 99% (just be yourself, you are the revolution! Eat the rich candy!)
17. Slutty Member Of The 99% ("Fuck capitalism! Oh, is your name not 'capitalism'?")
18. Dead Osama (it's still too early for Gaddafi, like I would even avoid Santana costumes lest someone get the wrong idea, but you can have at this one, I think)
19. Slutty Dead Osama (beard+bikini. Say things like: "Are you one of my 72 virgins? No? Good. I'm sick of those prudes.")
20. NYPD Officer (pepper spray)
21. Slutty NYPD Officer (Axe body spray)
22. Slutty Avengers (this is more of a party idea, everyone dresses as an Avenger and fucks each other)
23. Slutty Large Hadron Collider ("Hey girl what do you say we smash our particles together at high speed?")

The Sunday Post

1. Cameron Crowe's got a new film called We Bought A Zoo. It's about Matt Damon buying a house without realizing a private zoo comes along with it. I mean I know there are some shitty Real Estate agents out there but that seems like a big oversight, no? Apparently it's "loosely based" on a true story; the screenwriter once bought a house and there was a dog in the backyard and you know, I guess he extrapolated from there.

Isn't it weird that "based on a true story" is still a marketing technique? I mean, I know there was once a time when people ran screaming from the projected image of a train coming at them but we've been pretty clear on what goes in to making a movie for ninety years or so, right?

ANYWAY Peta is using the recent tragedy in Ohio to attack the flick, warning Crowe to include disclaimers about the dangers of operating your own private zoo. Well, sure. But it's not like a dude was going to see this movie and them impulse buy a zebra on his way home. There are significant barriers both practical and mental to doing something like that. Let's not forget that the whole Ohio thing started with a dude shooting himself next to "strategically placed" pieces of chicken so that the animals would eat him. Yup. What I am saying is exotic animal ownership tends to attract a certain kind of sociopath (Michael Jackson, Mike Tyson, people insane enough to live in Ohio) and that is really the end of the burning candle that needs to be addressed, so to speak.

2. Fox News has hired Mark Sanford, the disgraced South Carolina governor of "Disappearing to South America to fuck my Argentine soulmate" fame, to hopefully host a new show about travel. I get that liberals are incredulous, and certainly part of the motivation behind this hire was to antagonize them, but it's not like Sanford will make for a lousy TV personality. Motherfucker had the audacity to disappear to South America for six days, without telling his staff or family, OVER FATHER'S DAY WEEKEND. I want to know about his brain!

3. Harold Camping, that old chestnut, predicted that world would end on Friday and it did not. HAT TRICK! I sort of feel bad for the guy. I mean, he is going to be so disappointed if he dies before God kills him! Previously: What To Expect When You're Expecting The Rapture.

4. Apparently parts of The Avengers were filmed with an iPhone. If I were Robert Downey Jr. and the director of photography stuck an iPhone in my face I'd have walked off the fucking set. I mean, RIP Steve Jobs, but I filmed THIS with a fucking iPhone.

5. NJ Senate candidate Phil Mitsch has apologized for saying that a woman should be "a whore in the bedroom," as I suppose he should have. But the fact that that's the troubling part of the quote is kind of silly right? I mean the issue comes from the contrast that A woman should be "A lady in the living room" and then a whore in the bedroom, and I find that part more offensive. I personally think women have the right to be whorish in any of the rooms in their houses! And men too!

6. So I am a New Hampshire resident again, which means now I know when I am going to be voting in the GOP primary. (You're voting in the GOP primary, Zac? Yes, I mean why not?) That's because the NV Republican party finally relented on plans to move their primary forward in the calendar. See, New Hampshire is very big on going first, we're very selfish like that but don't worry we'll finish you after, and we'd apparently threatened to move our primary to December if anyone tried to blow up our spot. And we won! I mean, the RNC threatened Nevada with fines, but still, I think it was that December threat what got 'em, guys. New Hampshire will likely vote on January 10th, and Nevada will go during on February 4th, on or around the big sloppy-seconds orgy known as Super Tuesday.

There's a pretty compelling case to be made that New Hampshire, a primarily white state with a population of around 900,000, has no real business leading the primary calender and influencing presidential candidates so much. A state that better represents the demographics and problems of the nation might be better, or more fair.

Then again, one of the ways we gauge the management capabilities of a potential President is by running them through the campaign gauntlet, and making the process more "fair" also translates to "easier" for the men and women running. There'd be less incentive for candidates to go gladhand people in NH and more incentive to blanket Ohio with television ads. Starting in New Hampshire and Iowa and then skipping around the country forces candidates to be strategic and it forces them to actually campaign, and that is probably in our best interest.

But even if it wasn't in our best interest, there'd be no way to push NH off the top of the hill. They don't call us the granite state for nothing, we go hard bitches!

7. And the strategy (or lack thereof) required by the NH primary paid sweeping dividends this weekend when Michele Bachmann's entire NH staff quit on her. HA!

8. How long is Hermain Cain going to stay in the limelight? How long before it becomes like, lemonlight?

9. British Comedienne (I think in the UK they spell that with a "u" somehow, hey why don't we start referring to the UK Office as "The Ouffice"?) Catherine Tate is semi-permanently joining the cast of The Office, which is fine. Are you watching The Office this season? It's OK, right? It's very watchable, and is better than it probably SHOULD be at this stage in the game. But it's nothing to get your knickers in a twist over (Or "knouckers in a twoust" for our British readers).

10. Here are some songs/videos for this (kind of blustery, here!) Sunday we're having:

• Taylor Swift, "Forever & Always" (This song is about Joe Jonas! Thanks, Kari and Bryan!)
• Arcade Fire, "Sprawl II (acoustic)" (This is just a very nice performance that I stumbled upon! Thanks, me!)
• St. Vincent, "The Strangers (acoustic)" (I got on an acoustic kick)
• Dirty Projectors, "No Intention (acoustic)" (See?)

Photos via 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

No Church In The Wild: An Advice Column

How do I get out of the friend zone? Like my friend says that it's not that she doesn't like me, it's that she feels that she sucks at relationships and she doesn't want to hurt me. And I mean, she could be lying, but let's assume it's true. What do I do? How do I say, "Fuck that, let's fuck" without actually using those words? Also, this is private because she follows you and I don't want her to know it's me.

See, now Hollywood would have you believe that friends these days can't get their mouths off of each other's genitals long enough to have "I suck at relationships and don't want to hurt you" talks. But you and I know different, don't we? Also, if you try hard enough you can communicate during oral sex. Especially if you and your partner know Morse code. But I digress.

The friend zone is like a desert, where the sand is made of tiny blue balls/blue labia and every few miles you stumble upon an oasis: she asks you to zip up the back of her dress, she gets drunk and falls asleep on your shoulder, she tells you how handsome/pretty you are. But they're mirages, and you fall gratefully on your face expecting wetness and instead it's just the blue ball sand. That metaphor worked out better than I expected. Anyway.

I'm not sure if you are looking for a relationship or one of those aformentioned Mila Kunis/Justin Timberlake mouth/genital situations but either way--you're in the boring dessert of no sex relationship and you'd like a way out. Totally understandable. Here's what you do: keep hanging out until he or she feels like taking her clothes off. That's it! Like, it's just an entropy thing, I think. Sooner or later, people bang. One hundred monkeys in a room with one hundred typewriters will eventually have sex with each other. And hold on until then.

Unless she's lying, which is probably what she is doing (sorry). But hey, she follows me? Who is she? I'll talk you up to her.

What advice would you give to someone who is recently out of a job?

First off: I'm sorry to hear that. It sucks that that damn socialist Obama gave your job to the terrorists. But really, I hear this economy is picking up, so it's good that you held onto a job until now--your stint of unemployment should be short if you keep up on sending out your resume and all that. Can you collect benefits? Do you have a savings? Even if not, I think you'll be okay. And there is a silver lining to this, because in the meantime you get to live on The Fringe!

Recently I've been catching up on It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, which is a show for which I will always have a fond place in my heart. See, in 2007 I was living very scrappily in a cockroach-infested apartment in what white people politely called "A scary-ass murderhood" in Philly. And it was awesome. For a while I worked at this weird Korean Barbeque where we drank plum wine all day and fucked up everyone's orders (a girl told me I ruined her father's birthday) and the chefs napped on the floor of the dining room between lunch and dinner. Then I worked as a caterer and had enough awkward experiences in a few weeks to supply an entire season of Party Down (one time I catered an event FOR A DOG). And every night Christy and I would go home to our apartment, shoo the roaches out of the sink, and do things like mix popsicles and vodka in a blender. We fried most of our food and just threw the used grease out the window. One night we also threw some of our clothes out the window. And then threw up (PARTY TIP: If you throw up wine and Doritos, for a second you worry that you've lost your internal organs). It was the fucking best.

It's Always Sunny represents that lifestyle very accurately, and in season 6 Danny Devito's character Frank coins a term for it. Living "fringe-style."

[Dee and Dennis run into Frank at a public pool]
Dee: Where'd you get that towel?
Frank: I borrowed it fringe-style from that guy over there. I gave him a bite of my hot dog, and he let me borrow his towel!

Living Fringe used to be exclusively for college students and recent grads, as well as a certain subset of elderly urban hippies and the poorest, ugliest gay dudes. But thanks to the recession, The Fringe is open for anyone, free of stigma! See, for a while I was laboring under the feeling that I wasn't living up to my potential. It was keeping me off The Fringe. Pride, I guess, is what it was. I was using my blender for fruit smoothies, not vodka slurpees. Lame! Then I started reading the signs at Occupy Wall St. protests. I saw guys who graduated at the top of their class at Yale or Brown and had applied for 100 jobs and were still unemployed. So much for my supposed potential, you know? It's kind of liberating! The Fringe is welcoming me back into it's loving arms. Join us!

We need to ride this recession out, is what I am saying. FRINGE STYLE! No use pretending there are opportunities out there for us right now, buddy. There will be in six months, maybe a year. But not right now. If this is depressing you, you're not on The Fringe enough. Do you want a bite of my hot dog?

NEED ADVICE? GET AT ME HERE. QUESTIONS ARE ANONYMOUS. ANSWERS ARE NOT GUARANTEED TO BE AT ALL HELPFUL.

FAMILY MEETING

Hey, let me level with you guys: writing about The Hunger Games is sort of boring! I mean, I like the books, sort of. And maybe that "sort of" is the problem. My feelings are lukewarm, see. I know from experience that I'd be able to write about something I hated with a lot more verve, and I'd probably be able to do the same for something I loved.

So I'm going to finish the first book, but I think I will write about Catching Fire and Mockingjay in a much more minor capacity. Think four or five blog entries per. Okay? And I don't know if I will get started on that immediately, either. Sorry!

But we'll talk about some other stuff! What stuff? I'm not sure. I'm open to suggestion. I'm thinking about reading a John Green book, since people compare me to him so god damn frequently. Which one should I do? What else would you like to see? I don't know how much mileage we have left in Ask Nick Sullivan and the advice column, but we'll ride those as far as we can.

Let me hear your thoughts on this stuff, gang.

BLOGGING THE HUNGER GAMES, pt. 21: Have Fun At Dinner

Last time Katniss told us a boring story about a goat and then date-raped Peeta. What? Sort of. Previous entries can be found in the directory.

Chapter 21

OK so Katniss doesn't actually date-rape Peeta. She leads the horse to the roofies and then doesn't take the plunge. Just pretend that makes sense. She drugs Peeta and then sets about preparing for her battle tomorrow, is what happens. But it does get kind of weird when Katniss climbs into the sleeping bag with him and tries to absorb all of his “fever heat.” Yeah, you do that girl. I'd tell you what the warmest places are, but you already know. You SO already know.

She thinks about what her mother and sister will be doing tomorrow and we get a little background info on the Games and how they look to the outside world; Katniss says that given how late they are in the fight, school will probably be canceled so kids can watch the likely bloodbath. Nice. She assumes her mother and sister will go the square where they can watch on the big HD screens, and takes comfort in the fact that they'll have support from the community, come what may. The essential purity and goodheartedness of poor people is a nice little undercurrent in these books, one that filmmakers would do well to emphasize come March 2012. (Sort of in the way filmmakers emphasized post-9/11 unity in Spider-Man. “You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us!” Never mind that the Green Goblin was one of us too, but whatever guy, it worked at the time.)

Then she thinks about Gale (remember him?), and how he will be feeling while he watches tomorrow, and how he's BEEN feeling watching “all this kissing.” She wonders if there's any romantic potential there, if when Gale talked about running away with her it was all “practical calculation” or if there was “something more.” STORY OF YOUR LIFE, EH KATNISS? When Suzanne Collins does this “wandering narrative” thing and keeps changing topics quickly like this, it's a lot of fun to read. When she lingers on a story about a goat for ten pages like last time it's just irritating. That fucking goat.

In the morning Katniss gives Peeta a long, fake kiss and wipes away a fake tear. So when Peeta finally goes “No, Katniss, my feelings were real!” what is Suzanne Collins going to do? Is Katniss going to reevaluate her every gesture (for the fiftieth time) and conclude she really meant them all along, too? Is our little robot finally going to discover Human Love? Anyway, she leaves Peeta's side and heads along the stream to the arranged spot where her magic cure for Peeta's leg wound is supposed to appear. I wonder what the other fighters “need desperately.” A chill pill for Cato? A few character details for Thresh? Along the way Katniss permits herself a little swagger, bitching about her blown eardrum and musing that once she wins she'll be able to “pay someone to hear” for her. And then she arrives at the battlefield.

(This chapter is a fist-biter. That's a technical term for what happens to you, the reader, when Katniss gets sliced in the forehead with a knife and you bite your nails, and then Clove tackles her and you bite your fingers, and then Clove gets all Joker on her, talking about carving her mouth off, and then suddenly your hand is on your own mouth, protecting it from Clove and her jacket full of knives. Yeah, we will get to that part in a second.)

Katniss hides in the bushes, surveys the area and wonders where the backpacks could be. She's also wonders where everyone else is. There's a lot of stuff that we don't know where it is! (I'm writing at 1am, can you tell?) Then a table rises up from the ground, four backpacks sitting on it, each marked with a district number. As usual I am struck by the aesthetic choices favored by the capital. Putting each prize in a backpack? Sitting them all on like, a dining room table? I wonder if the film version will try to fancy everything up. Magic bubbles sitting on gold columns! Anyway, the Capitol is the least-creative totalitarian regime ever.

"Just give us a hovercraft or two and we're good."-The Capitol

And then Foxface, that bitch, comes running out, grabs her backpack, and bails before anyone has time to react. Katniss realizes that by only grabbing her own pack, Foxface has guaranteed that no one will give chase, and she's so blind with jealousy over Foxface's superior strategery that she charges into the fray without thinking. She hears a knife coming at her (how do you hear a knife coming?) and deflects it with her bow. Then she sends an arrow at the thrower, Clove, and gets her in the arm. But the next knife catches our hero in the forehead (AHHHH) and slices her eyebrow open, and suddenly blood is flowing into Katniss's eyes. FUCK. And then Clove tackles her to the ground. DOUBLE FUCK.

So Clove pins Katniss to the ground, which would ordinarily be kinda hot, but she opens her jacket and shows Katniss an array of knives and says she promised Cato she'd give the people a show. “Why so serious?” Clove says, not really bit basically, and then she talks some trash about how Peeta is going to die and how they killed Rue (she's a talker, but it's her last scene so give her a break) and then says she's going to cut off Katniss's pretty lips. YIKES. Just as her knife reaches Katniss's face, she's lifted into the air. THRESH EX MACHINA, WOOOO!

The huge dude from Rue's district, heretofore unseen, has Clove in his Thresh-hold. That would so be his signature move if he was a pro-wrestler, by the way. (“Thresh has Triple-H in the thresh-hold! Can you believe the audacity? Elbow to the sternum!” I used to watch a lot of wrestling as a kid, and in my head the color commentary is just the words “audacity” and “sternum” over and over again.) And to hear Katniss rhapsodize about how massive he is (ladies) he probably should be one; I'm not sure what help he is in the agricultural district (maybe he pulls the plow!). He starts shouting in a kind of vaguely Hulk-like voice (he only misses a few articles here and there, like Collins was going for the brute thing but didn't want to go too far with it) and accuses Clove of killing Rue. She denies it, but soon he's thrown her on the ground and bashed her head in with a rock. DAMN, SAM!

He turns to Katniss and asks what Clove meant by suggesting she and Rue were allied. Katniss quickly explains the partnership and the burial and is moved to tears by memories of Rue. She begs Thresh to make it quick. But there's a certain honor amongst theives, and he says he will let her go this time, which will make them square. Katniss thinks appreciatively of the way people have bent rules for her as she grabs her pack and runs (remember Peeta's insinuation that Katniss doesn't realize she gets special treatment?). Thresh grabs his own and the one for Clove and Cato (ha!) and they flee as Cato finally breaks through the trees. Damn Cato, where the hell you been?

Katniss runs and runs and bleeds and bleeds, and back at the cave she finds a hypodermic needle in the pack and quickly stabs it into Peeta's arm. Then she dies. Or maybe just passes out. We'll see next time! Hey, that was quite the chapter!

ASK NICK SULLIVAN: Letters To Esquire's Fashion Director, Answered by Zac Little

I like stylish watches, but don't own one. I have skinny arms and smaller hands, so I can't ever find anything that looks good. Any suggestions?

Greg Stengel, St. Louis MO

First of all, Greg, count your blessings that your hands are smaller than your arms. Disproportional Hand Disorder is no joke, and literally tens of people every year suffer from its weirdness. In fact I'm on the board of HAND-JOB, a 501(c)3 non-profit that seeks employment for those stricken with DHD. They become minor-league outfielders, steady-cam operators, and bouncers at upscale nightclubs. We also provide them with t-shirts that read "You Know What Big Hands Mean, Ladies..." It's god's work, and I'm proud to help out there.

As for your problem: may I suggest a friendship bracelet instead? You know, one of those gnarly Indian-looking ones! I was at a state fair last week and I saw a few on sale (thirty five cents each!) and I was struck by how dope they were. Almost as dope as friendship itself!

What, if anything, can be done to salvage a pair of suit trousers once the cuffs have begun to fray? And if I retire the trousers, can I continue to use the jacket as a blazer?

Nathaniel Walker, Los Angeles CA

Two words, four syllables: CUT-OFFS. The extra syllables are silent, and they're for the pockets hanging out the front. Also: "retire the trousers" sounds like a quaint euphemism for fucking. I like it. "Evening, madam. What say you we retire our trousers at my manor post-haste?"

My birthday is coming up soon, and my family members asked me what I wanted. I want to tell them a tie, but which one? I have two suits in different shades of gray, and five shirts: pink, white, solid blue, and two striped white shirts.

Seth Rosenberg, New York, NY

This question makes it sounds like there are only like, five ties in the world to choose from. And I would expect nothing less from a man who only owns two suits and five shirts! Step up your wardrobe game, Seth!

Also: don't you hate when family members ask what you want for your birthday? Don't they know you well enough to just know? Or are we just like, alone in the universe? Is that what it is? Are we completely trapped in our own heads, forced to make do with whatever scant and random human connections we may stumble upon? Is man fundamentally unknowable? Get a black tie.

Please help! I have bought my fiance a new trench coat for his birthday, but at what length should the trench hit his legs?

Dorothy R. Nederman, Washington DC

Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe you are the first juggalette to write in to this column, Dorothy. Big ups to you for that. Also, big ups to you for not just getting your ninja the standard case of Faygo and a beej for his big bday. Big ups all around. You are definitely using your bowling ball, and probably spending mad chedda. Living by the hatchet! I hope that ninja reciprocates in your neden.

Trench coats are badass, and I bet your mans is going to look like a straight pimp in that shit. As a rule, the trench should stop a few inches above the hem of an average pair of JNCOs. He should keep it open enough to see a hint of his wallet chain, but you knew that part already. Thanks for writing in, much clown love for you. FORKS DOWN FORKS UP MY NINJAS!

BLOGGING THE HUNGER GAMES, pt. 20: A Baby For Pree

Now that Katniss and Peeta are reunited the sex jokes can resume at full force. In this chapter, Peeta has a fever. And the only prescription is for MORE KATNISS. (They'll get better, I promise.) Previous entries can be found in the directory.

Chapter 20

Katniss kisses and coaxes Peeta into swallowing (wait for it) the broth, lets him fall asleep, and then attends to her “own needs.” With Peeta sleeping right there? What if he wakes up and catches you in the act? She realizes she can't retreat to the trees and tries not to feel resentful of the way teaming with Peeta has made her weaker. This is a total marriage metaphor, right? Katniss used to be single, now she's “tethered to the ground” and masturbating (maybe) in a cave. But she says she's going to trust whatever instinct led her to him. Hmmmm.

When he wakes up, he tells Katniss to take a nap while he keeps watch. “Are you going to do weird stuff to my body while I sleep?” is what Katniss SHOULD ASK, but instead she just does as he says. And wakes up in the late afternoon, pissed that he let her sleep that long. Why? (“I didn't want to miss all the staring at nothing!”-Katniss) Later Katniss looks at Peeta's wound and realizes it's getting worse.

Other stuff happens: we learn that the nameless girl from D2 is named “Clove,” so okay, that's fine. Then Katniss makes Peeta some soup by heating water with really hot stones that have been out in the sun. OK, nifty! (But the length of the description of said stone soup is out of proportion to my interest in it; it's an escalating problem in this chapter.) Then Peeta asks Katniss to tell him a story. Uh, what? You're an adult, Peeta. The only way this works if if you ask for a sex story. And he doesn't, so Katniss tells the most boring story ever—there is no sex or even making out in it at all!—about how she got a goat for Prim. She shot a deer and traded it and then bought a sick goat and Prim nursed it back to health. That's the whole story, but it takes like fifty pages. I'm exaggerating but I'm not, really.

Then another announcement is made and Katniss walks to the mouth of the cave to look at the sky. The head Gamemaker dude announces that tomorrow, in the clearing where they started, there will be a backpack for each district containing within it something each of them “needs desperately.” Knowing Katniss will go for his sake, Peeta immediately protests and threatens to drag himself there, or try and get killed, if she leaves. More marriage metaphors! Don't go out in the world without me, baby! And she reluctantly agrees not to go, but knows that Peeta will die in a day or two if she doesn't.

AND THEN, oh man, and then. Katniss walks to the stream to wash up and another sponsor gift floats down. She thinks Haymitch somehow gathered the resources for the kind of medicine Peeta needs, but it turns out to be small vial of “sleep syrup.” Um, Haymitch sent her roofies. Katniss realizes she can use it to put Peeta out of commission for a while. But are we sure that's what the sponsors intended it for?

She goes back and tells Peeta she found him some berries for dessert and starts feeding him what is basically “Forget-Me-Now” jelly. He figures out what's happening on the last spoonful and Katniss holds her hand over his nose and mouth and he glares at her as he passes out. Katniss is such a badass! Wait, why do I think this is cool?

And then she (presumably) attends to her own needs again.

Stray Notes & Questions

• This is the not-at-all-charming and totally irritating way Suzanne Collins brings up the Peeta/Katniss romance now: Peeta does something in which he references how much he loves her, and Katniss thinks, “Oh, that's right, we're supposed to be romantic. Boy, Peeta sure is good at faking this.” Repeat x 1000.
• Why “Clove” do you think? Is it because she seems deadly but it's really just an old wives' tale? Or are cloves actually dangerous? I was never clear on that. Is it OK to eat them if you cook them? Is Clove going to burn to death?

Taylor Lautner Is Not Gay, Which Is Fine

I used to say that I thought Ricky Martin was really classy for never confirming or denying rumors of his sexuality. He would just dismiss those sorts of questions, and the people who asked ended up looking like jerks. Of course, I was sort of operating under the assumption that Ricky Martin was straight, and was therefore not in the closet but rather making a point about it not being anybody's business. That he was secure enough in his straightness to not sweat the rumors. Of course, in retrospect it's pretty funny how wrong I was about literally every aspect of that, but the fact remains that it's pretty garish to ask someone about their sexual orientation, and it's sort of even more garish when actors loudly reassert their heterosexuality in the face of such questioning. Lose/lose! So it's too bad that Taylor Lautner entered into such a gambit this weekend, when GQ asked and he answered, "I'm straight."

Somewhat (okay, a lot) ridiculously, the question came up because Lautner was spotted at dinner with Gus Van Sant and Dustin Lance Black who, several articles helpfully note, are gay. They also both have three names! And most importantly: THEY ARE A DIRECTOR AND SCREENWRITER. So naturally, an actor dining with a (gay, three-named) director and a (gay, three-named) screenwriter is suspicious, right? What would they have to discuss other than exchanging gay sex tips? LITERALLY NOTHING EXCEPT ALL OTHER THINGS.

The whole slightly-embarrassing thing is more embarrassing and crass because Zachary Quinto came out this weekend, in a super-understated, no big deal kind of way. Spock is gay. That is logical. Sorry. But yeah, that is how you do it. Nice job, Quinto. Live long and prosper among hot dudes. Sorry again. But it just underscores the lousiness of both sides of the Lautner exchange (the Lautner Exchange sounds like a rejected Bourne spinoff. SORT OF LIKE ABDUCTION HEYOOO).

I'm going to close with a football metaphor so Taylor and people like him can best understand me and maybe handle this better next time. He was downfield from Ricky Martin and wide open to receive the ball (again, this is a FOOTBALL metaphor even though it sounds super gay). The GQ guys fumbled, or threw a bad hail-mary (am I still doing this right? I used to play football but I was just a lineman) and Lautner could have intercepted and moved the line of scrimmage in favor of the gay equality team. But instead, he ran the wrong way and embarrassed everyone. Or maybe Lautner should be the QB1 in this metaphor, and what happened is he tackled GQ's question wrong and paralyzed himself like Jason Street. That makes Zachary Quinto Matt Saracen, who is played by Zach Gilford, which makes me feel like this metaphor is working. Clear metaphors, full hearts, can't lose! Anyway.

Related Posts:

• Consider The Lobster Ravioli
• Two Minutes Hate: Taylor Lautner

His Master's [Satanic] Voice: Halloween Playlist, pt. 1

We're having a Halloween party this year. Nothing big, mostly because I think according to my lease I'm not really allowed to. So, OK, it's a Halloween gathering of a few friends. If you want to come you totally can. Even if I don't know you. But if my landlord asks, I've known you for years, right? We go way back. We're cousins, in fact.

But anyway I have been thinking about the right music for a Halloween party, and here are a few decisions I have made.

"Satan Said Dance," Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

Invoking the devil is a little obvious, and a little reductive. Like, I bet there are some Wiccans or whatever who would be pissed at me for doing this; ignoring the positive messages about Autumn and Hallow's Eve or something in favor of the easy stuff. Wiccans: you are usually girls and usually hot, so I don't mean to offend you. Including songs about the devil is here and elsewhere done as a little winking joke, not an actual endorsement of associations between Satan and Halloween. Also, this song is danceable but in a friendly, non-sexual way.

"Lucifer," Jay-Z

This one is danceable in a VERY sexual way, and should be used with caution. Like, I'm putting it up front in the playlist because I DON'T want an orgy to break out at this party. If I DID want that, I'd put it a few drinks deeper down. Anyway I love, love, love the Kanye beats where people are rapping over other voices. "Gold Digger," and "Otis" are my jams, and "Jesus Walks" is also, to a lesser extent, my jam. This is the kind of track you would KNOW Kanye produced even if Jay didn't announce it over the opening credits. Sampled voices are his calling card, and it's a really good calling card to have! Other producers must be so jealous! I bet it's like that scene in American Psycho.

Jay-Z takes big risks with beats, and I always appreciate his willingness to do so. Also, there are people on YouTube who say if you play this song backwards you can hear someone saying "666, murder Jesus" over and over. COOL!

"Little Ghost," The White Stripes

You have to diffuse the tension after Jay-Z, so why not kick it to Jack White for a hoedown? (I was going to make a weird joke about Jay-Z putting the hoes down, but it sounded like he was euthanizing them, not getting them to give BJs.) It would be perfect if cute little trick-or-treaters started to show up during this song.

"Devil Town," Bright Eyes

CLEAR EYES FULL HEARTS CAN'T LOSE! Oh man, how good was that montage on Friday Night Lights? Was it the moment that sold you on the series for good? It was for me. What's weird is FNL uses a different cover, by a guy named Tony Lucca, which is more or less identical to this version/arrangement. But it's originally a Daniel Johnston song, and the original doesn't feature a lot of the elements Conor Oberst introduced which also show up in Lucca's rendition. So Lucca's cover is a cover of Conor Oberst's cover! Weird, right? I think it's weird. But anyway, this song is great. And Friday Night Lights is great too!

"Sympathy For The Devil," The Rolling Stones

OKAY so I might have just searched the word "devil" on my iTunes library but you have to start somewhere, right? This is one of those songs that just impresses me so much that it exists? A six minute song that is mostly bongos and piano about the devil that cheerily evokes mass slaughter? What? Great!

So, what are your favorite songs about the devil? Do you have any guaranteed panty-droppers on your Halloween playlist? What are you doing to contain all that sexual energy? Let's discuss.

No Church In The Wild (feat. DS3M): An Advice Column

Today we have another guest advice-giver, the great DS3M (also known as Richard Striano). Maybe you know him as the cranky wiseman from the comment boards at Videogum, and maybe you know him as one of the best god damned curators on Twitter. I mean, he's a good dude to follow any time, but whenever a major news event happens you might as well just open his feed and sit there and watch. Dude works magic. And today he works his magic on your problems! When you finish reading this: I made a video about my camping trip. It's here.

"...what's a God to a nonbeliever?..."

I have had periodic bouts of depression for years. Right now it's bad. I've been unemployed for over a year, ever since I graduated college, and as much as I'd like to blame the recession a lot of it is because I'm just not trying that hard to get employed. I worry I'm not good at anything non-artistic, and I get too scared to even apply. I feel more alone than I have in a long time, and it's becoming impossible to motivate myself to do anything. How do I snap myself out of this?

Depression is a very tough thing, so keep going, be strong, and recognize that you are more than your mental state.

Have you had a chance to go see a doctor? If you are having frequent bouts, maybe there is a physiological reason behind these shifts.

That said, here's the deal: Life is a gigantic pain in the ass. It's not easy. And finding a job or career after college can be one of the most annoying and awful things.

I'll spare you my life story, but let's just say I am 6 years out of college and still not doing what I want to be/should be doing, still not on a true career path, and still searching for a better job.
Your motivation to get a job and move forward should probably lie somewhere in the meat of that ole chestnut (as true today as it was decades ago when the Fresh Prince decreed): "Parents Just Don't Understand." Get out from under their rule and maybe your outlook will brighten.

And don't get nervous and self select yourself out of a job. Put your resume together; get onto the various job search sites (Monster, CareerBuilder, Craigslist and Backpage come to mind); ask family, friends, family friends, neighbors, old teachers, etc if they are aware of any openings or opportunities. Pick up your local papers, go find that free employment newspaper box, or contact your state's employment services org.

The last thing I will say - Make a Daily Task List. EVERY DAY. Think of 5 to ten things you need to accomplish - tangible, real tasks (wash dishes, clean room, organize porn collection) and self-improvement based tasks (Finally Finish Book X, Finish Resume, Apply to 5 businesses, prepare cover letter for big opportunity, etc).

[What I do is I make a list of my 99 problems and then I hang them over my wife's ass at night. So when I wake up in the morning I can see where I'm at. You crazy for this one, Rick!-ZL]

When you get into a habitual flow (It takes approximately one month of doing the same thing repeatedly for it to become a habit) of listing and completing tasks, extend the window on your lists. Make a One Month List. A One Year List. A 5 year list. What would you like to see accomplished across those ranges of time? The mundane activities of your day to day listings will build you towards the completion of larger goals and bigger lists, packed with wild ideas like 'get a job, move out of parents' home, buy a puppy,' etc.

[And then make a 100 year list! Will our hovercars be powered by methane or some kind of sugar substitute? YOU DECIDE, that's why it's fun!-ZL]

One Last thing -

Go Find Your Friends. Neighborhood, High School, College, Internet friends. Whatever. Find People that Care about You and Want the Best for You. Hang out with them. Enjoy each other. Commiserate.

Just stay strong and keep moving forward. You'll be aiight.

"... the other read 'Love is Cursed by Monogamy'..."
I'm a senior in high school, and even though it's a long ways off, I'm getting worried about what will happen to me and my boyfriend when we go to college. He's planning on going out of state and I'm planning on staying here. We haven't been officially dating for very long but we've been friends for years. Is it worth to try to keep a long distance relationship going or should we just go our seperate ways?

Not gonna work. Sorry. It's the truth.

Ok, That's a lie - what I said wasn't truth, it was opinion. But I will say, unequivocally: In My Experience (Seeing friends and relatives go through this), it Does Not Work Out the way you want it to.

Look, College is something else altogether from High School: Lots of down time; lots of booze and drug time; and a lot of looking at other attractive, potentially intelligent, probably single (or "Single") people.

("Single" because I have hooked up with "Single" Girls that had long distance "Boyfriends," at college elsewhere, but it's ok, they are kind of on a break? But Don't tell anyone, ok?)

The distance thing is going to be the worst part. Because when one of you gets plastered on a Tuesday night, there's no chance of you guys getting together for a drunken plow fest.

And then there's Thursday when you go get plastered because you just KILLED your Environmental Studies midterm (Global Warming), and he's gotta study for whatever102, and you want to chat, and he doesn't, and you get mad because he's so selfish and you want to trust him but you can't because Becky Stevens (Your Bestie at College now) was speaking with her good friend Rebecca who has a cousin at your school and that cousin TOTALLY SAW HIM Talking to that cheerleader at the Delta Chi mixer and I JUST DON'T THINK THIS IS GOING TO WORK is how that chat goes.

[The cheerleader's name is also a variation on Rebecca, natch. Probably like, Becks. What a fucking whore.-ZL]

The Flip Side to All of This -

I have seen LDRs work in a few select instances, but even they end up facing inevitable issues, usually stemming from trust, absence, communication difficulties, and distance. The Important Thing is to maintain the crucial elements necessary for ANY Successful Relationship - Love, Trust, Communication, and Honesty. The couple with a strong basis in these elements can work with each other through almost anything.

BUT LOOK - You guys just started senior year. He's "Planning" on going out of state but nothing is official yet.

DON'T go to school together JUST to try and satisfy your need to be together. The College Choice is an individual life choice, and attempting to hold a person to a relationship and steer them to your College choice is not good nor healthy.

DON'T go breaking up now because of what might happen in 11 months. Be Together! Be In love! Be Happy! Enjoy your time together in the moment - don't constantly focus on the future, the present is all we have! Have a great school year and summer together.

Besides, you guys are gonna break up in the middle of the summer after you find out what he did with Jessica Arnold in the basement at Pat Brenneman's graduation party.

"...that's something that a teacher can't teach..."
My life at high school is awesome and stressful and complicated and I love it, but....without any romantic relationships. I'm a senior and I have never ever been in a romantic relationship of any kind, and now I'm seriously worried. On one hand, my life's busy enough, I love my friends, I'm happy, etc. But I've also had many semi-crushes and heartbreaking ones, and all the while I've wanted to, you know, ACTUALLY DATE SOMEONE. I'm normal and pretty popular and yet nothing's happened! Help?!?!

I like your attitude! Life is Hectic and Awesome and Complicated and Stressful BUT YOU LOVE IT!!!

So WHY WHY WHY would you change it? Why throw in unnecessary variables like hormonal chemistry, biology, crazy exes, crazy significant others?

A little personal DS time - I was kind of in your shoes in HS. Everyone in my family used to always ask who I was dating, and then Why not, because I always without fail said, "no one." I was focused on academics, sports, extracurriculars, COLLEGE SEARCH, etc. I had crushes, girls I liked, girls I took on a couple dates, but nothing panning out into a long lasting thing. I don't know. Just wasn't my time.

[Whereas I was too busy banging to apply for college, and then had to go to a random school in Philly for a year--which turned out great, but anyway--and then re-apply during my freshman year of college. Which sucked!-ZL]

COLLEGE Happened, and again, I was in a weird circumstance for a variety of factors (where I attended school being primary), but I found people I liked, and a few that liked me back, so there were some dates and some fooling around, but nothing serious.

I didn't have a PROPER girlfriend until I was finishing college. And Actually, the same could be said of my entire cohort. Just a bunch of kids focused on school and not too concerned with the uproar in our underwear.

Now everyone is different, obviously. But without fail, I have met FAR more people who said "I wish I would have waited before I jumped into that long relationship" or "I wish I would have waited before having sex," as opposed to meeting people that said "I waited too long."

So Keep Doing you (hahaha). And Keep up with your 'uber-school' goals. Relationships and Significant Others and SEX can all wait. They're gonna be around. Besides, you jump into that shit too quick, you can get diseases.

It's Been Fun Guys. Tip Your Head Blogger.

Spotlight On: Abortion

Spiritual friend of the blog Cat Marnell (she's basically if Alice Cullen was real) is taking heat today for a manifestly wrong-headed post about birth control at XOJane. Without getting into it too much, I will say that I am a fan of Cat Marnell's writing and understand from context that no one should ever follow her advice about anything other than which skin cleansers to use/which ones to use as fake cum. The above link is to the original post, and here's a summary/ condemnation from Gawker which more or less grabs her whole article, word-for-word. Huh! Oddly enough it comes on a day when the same Gawker writer, Maureen O'Connor, also got into a spat with our spiritual friends over at Videogum. Maureen O'Connor: burning bridges, breaking hearts! Anyway the other thing is I had nothing to post today (I'm working on some stuff guys, give me time) and I've been wanting to collect all of my abortion-related videos and RSR episodes in one place, so this seemed like as good a time as any. Find them after the jump!

BLOGGING THE HUNGER GAMES, pt. 19: Stuck Inside Of Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again

And we're back! So, lots of you turned out in the comments to reassure me about the deflating twist we just experienced. To you, I say: WE SHALL SEE. But hey, that was a good discussion, dudes! Keep it up! Previous entries can be found in the directory (which I have now updated).

Book 3: The Victor

Hmmm, I wonder who that will be...

Chapter 19

Katniss sits in her tree and considers the implication of the literal game-changer she just heard: with only six fighters left, the Gamemakers have decreed that there can be two winners provided they are from the same district. Now, two of the six contestants don't even fit that description: there's the so-far entirely unseen Thresh, who is from Rue's district, and the girl Katniss somewhat bitchily calls Foxface. No help for you dudes, sorry! This rule change is an almost totally transparent assist for Katniss and Peeta, in other words (unless Cato and the girl from his district have been banging for the Capitol cameras back at basecamp), and Katniss she probably has Peeta to thank/blame for it.

The star-crossed lovers...Peeta must have been playing that angle all along. Why else would the Gamemakers have made this unprecedented change in the rules? For two tributes to have a shot at winning, our “romance” must be so popular with the audience that condemning it would jeopardize the success of the games.

Much like some of the more insufferable pivot sections of Twilight, it's hard to know where Katniss ends and Suzanne Collins begins. (Also: In the comments last time Suzette wondered how “star-crossed lovers” would have made it all the way into the Panemian zeitgeist. I'm guessing it didn't come attached to Romeo & Juliet, since one of the big draws of that play is that THEY DIE. So the phrase is just some cultural shrapnel left over from the cultural and physical wars that have resulted since. Does that work?)

What would be great is, now that we're stripping away plot elements, is if Katniss would clear up her own feelings about Peeta. Like if she'd say, right now, “And the truth is, I don't find him attractive. He's a goof, and probably uncircumsized and that would be weird for me.” Because then we could focus on the media angle and the false perception of their relationship and Collins could do some fun commentary about the shiny object of “Katniss & Peeta” distracting from the evil machinery of the Hunger Games. As it stands now, there's so much blurry ambiguity that Katniss and Peeta's true feelings are the only thing you can really latch on to.* And I don't really care about that!

(*Katniss deliberately smiles after hearing the announcement, making sure the moon is lighting her face for the cameras. Her smile is prompted by a genuine thought about Peeta, but it's the thought that he “wasn't a threat” all along. STUFF ABOUT THIS THAT IS AMBIGUOUS: 1. Whether Katniss feels affection or just relief 2. How exactly Katniss wants her gesture to be perceived by the public 3. How the public actually IS perceiving this whole situation 4. Whether the public view of Katniss/Peeta is making them question the motives and effects of the Hunger Games or if it is just adding a level of tabloid enjoyment to the whole amoral proceeding 5. How Peeta feels. At least a few of these things should be clear for it to make any sense, but none of it is. So the potential social criticism/parody elements of The Hunger Games have kind of fuzzed out of our grasp, and now we're just wondering if we should be Team Peeta or not. Boring!)

The next morning Katniss cautiously sets out tracking Peeta after a ridiculously long train of thought in which she retraces his every move so far, only to conclude that he's just probably somewhere along the stream she's been to a few times. Before she sets out, she starts a big fire “to confuse my enemies' minds.” For someone who is supposedly being cautious I wish she'd be more careful about redundant phrases. As she walks, Katniss wonders if Peeta will be willing to ally with her and again speaks in the voice of the author:

He's very hard to predict, which might be interesting under different circumstances, but at the moment only provides an extra obstacle.

“I'd enjoy that unpredictability in the sack, but when I'm trying to write a coherent setpiece—I mean, when I'm trying to walk down this stream, it's just annoying.” Eventually Katniss comes across some bloodstains on rocks, and hears a “hoarse” voice asking if she's come to finish him off (“Nay!” Katniss making a hoarse/horse joke, which would have been kind of great). She can't find Peeta until she realizes he's right under her (“Upskirt, baby!”-Peeta), having camouflaged himself to hide in plain sight along the streambed. It's “the final word in camouflage,” she says, which is the tagline for my new clothing line (we only make camo shorts and camo thongs), but it turns out our man is pretty badly wounded. Katniss sets out to help him, but first he quietly reminds her that she should kiss him for the benefit of the cameras. (“I also kept my penis under this convenient leaf flap, so...”-Peeta) She doesn't yet, though.

Instead she tries to roll Peeta to the water to clean him up, but can only get him to the edge before it's too painful for him. She gets his shirt off (ladies) and cleans the burns and stings all over it (never mind, ladies). Then she gets his pants off (come back, ladies!) and finds an oozing, festering, horrible wound (false alarm, ladies! Fuck, sorry). It's a bad enough wound that Katniss's first instinct is to bail. But she sticks it out, and if you like reading about pus, this chapter is for you! I'll skip the next few pages, but to summarize: pus.

There's a weird moment where Katniss wants to wash Peeta's “undershorts” and asks him to cover himself with a backpack while she does. He's like, “I don't care if you see my dick baby,” (Though he says “see me” which is kind of adorably quaint) and she's like “No, you're probably uncircumsized and that would be weird for me.” After getting him cleaned up, she tries to move with him and finds that he is not road-ready. Instead they take shelter between some rocks, and Peeta tries to bring up what Katniss should do if he doesn't make it.

Our hero is struck by her fear of such an outcome, and ends up kissing Peeta on his pretty little maybe dying mouth. Katniss immediately dismisses it as an “impulse,” but a few minutes later she steps outside the cave (my brain automatically starts scanning for Plato references when people step out of caves, but no dice) and a parachute lands with some broth. Broth? These things never fail to be underwhelming. When are you going to send Katniss a fucking UZI, Haymitch?!

But Katniss realizes the broth is a reward for the kiss, and that she'll need to put on a show for the rubes at home to nurse Peeta back to health. STRIPTEASE TIME, baby! No, she thinks back to the way her mother lovingly treated her father and tries to channel that, returning to Peeta and kissing him awake. He gazes at her contentedly, and she muses about what a good actor he is. IRONIC (MAYBE)!

Stray Notes & Questions

• Stephenie Meyer never had trouble convincing me her narrator was stupid. But on both the romantic and political front Katniss is at once extremely perceptive and extremely dense. I don't have a read on her at all. Suzanne Collins can't sell dumb like S. Meyer!
• Does the multilevel ambiguity bother you? Is the problem that I'm reading too slowly? Commenter Kim has a new website about YA fiction, which you should all check out, and in one post she discusses the case for reading YA fiction like you would any other form of Literature. That in many cases, it stands up to close critical scrutiny. I think that is certainly the case, but is probably not the case for The Hunger Games. Do you disagree? Come at me, bro.
• Re: yesterday's Kristen Stewart story--watch this blog for updates. I'm following this story like whoa, guys.

No Child Actor Left Behind

OK, well, this is unexpected. Once people got over Kristen Stewart's half-admission of her relationship with Robert Pattinson, they got down to reading the rest of her interview in British GQ. And, uh, this is something else she said [via FilmDrunk]:

“School became genuinely uncomfortable,” she says. “I was feeling a little self-conscious about the acting thing with my peers, but also my teachers became a problem. They didn’t want to do the extra work or put packages together so I could keep up while away.”
“They failed me. My teachers failed me. Not one, but all of them. I’m always slightly ashamed in a way, about what I do. I’m slightly embarrassed as I had such serious ambitions when I was younger, I just never imagined that I would ever have a reason not go to school. But then this happened.”

I have to admit it: until now, I'd never considered the way our nation's school system neglects our child actors. Mostly because, I mean, they'll be fine? Kristen Stewart is lamenting the future she could have had as a scientist or something while she walks to the bank to cash her $20 million-dollar Twilight check. A thing like that. Damn, what if Kristen Stewart could have cured cancer?

Kristen: Our school system similarly wouldn't accommodate a child who had any other job during school hours. Also: shut up. Also: brace for impact, girl. Follow-up stories in three, two, one...

No Church In The Wild: An Advice Column

Out of all the girlfriends I've had (four officially), my current girlfriend is ranked as only the 3rd most attractive girl I dated. To be fair, she is really hot and a total babe, but she doesn't have the same appeal of my other two hotter girlfriends. How do I avoid explaining this fact to her?

Um, by breaking up with her because you're a fucking dick who doesn't deserve a hot girlfriend? Yeah, I think that's the best way to go.

Seriously, who thinks like this? The only way rank-ordering your girlfriends is acceptable is if you're a Rain Main-type dude and you can't help it. Like, you roll off of her after sex and blurt out "That was the twenty-third best fuck I've had to date. I have eleven pubic hairs in my mouth. Your dog barked twenty-six times." But if we were dealing with that situation, if I were the Tom Cruise to your Dustin Hoffman, then keeping your feelings from your girlfriend wouldn't be an issue; you wouldn't be able to help yourself, and she would hopefully be understanding about it (and if she wasn't understanding, then, like, what is that bitch's problem? You're Rain Man!). So clearly that is NOT the situation. I am still the Tom Cruise to your Dustin Hoffman, but in terms of sex appeal, not in terms of Rain Man-ness. You're being a dick. And you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself, all right? And I mean Tom Cruise circa 1989 and Dustin Hoffman circa 2011, by the way.

Though have you guys seen the trailer for Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol? It's so rad! I think Tom Cruise is back. I've said that like ten times though. I like the guy, okay? I'm sorry.

My boyfriend broke up with me because I have psychological problems (manic depression, anorexia), even though I warned him from the beginning that I did. How do I get over a guy like that?

Crazy girls are the hottest girls, and guys who don't know that are missing out. I mean, take my wife. No, don't take her, the men in the white coats already tried! But I wouldn't let them because she's great in bed. You see what I mean?

I'm sorry about the mental stuff you are going through. That's some serious ish (and I hope you're getting legit help). I think the way to get over this dude is to find yourself another dude who is just as crazy as you. Because then, after a while, your cycles will align and you'll be manic at the same time (translation: crazy, kinky, frenetic sex) and depressive at the same time (translation: slow, cuddly, lazy sex). Okay, it's possible I'm mixing up mental illness with menstrual cycles. Common mistake, am I right fellas? [Tim Allen grunting noise]

I'm in 10th grade. I like this guy a lot. I've never been in a relationship before in any sense, but I feel really strongly about at least trying to initiate something. I don't have any clue how, though. Do you have any advice?

There are lots of ways to initiate something, but you're in tenth grade so I'm pretty sure most of them are illegal. I'll tell you a secret though, kid: when it comes to relationships, guys are dumb. Just as dumb as women, in fact! A thing like that, eh?

Let's say this dude had feelings for you. How would you like him to approach the subject? Would you like it if he just came right out and said it? That would be pretty nice, right? GUESS WHAT: I guarantee you he feels exactly the same way about such a situation.

Romance has been clouded by years of fake gender politics and Hallmark cards and romantic comedies. Men are not from Mars, women are not from venus. Men have penises and y-chromosomes and women have boobs and vaginas, but the differences basically end there. Tim Allen is full of shit and grunting noises. And so is Whitney Cummings. Gender is an illusion (except for the penises/vaginas), you know? We're ALL confused by each other and would rather just hear if someone digs us; if you feel something, say something!

In other words I am suggesting that you walk up to this dude and say "I like you." Nerve-wracking, I know. But you won't have a heart attack (unless you have a prior condition! This blog entry does not make me liable for your death!) and in the end you will be glad you did it. (Unless you literally die.)

Previously: "Perspiration is everything. Drink Gatorade."