No Church In The Wild: The Lightning Round

Dear Zac, What do you do when a hardcore vegetarian starts guilt tripping you for eating meat?

Just start salivating and then try to bite them. That's what they think of us anyway!

Hey Zac I'm a 17 year old guy from England, I'm not very popular at school; I'm kind of a clinger on. Not many people like me much and I barely go out at all. I will be going to university next year and I've never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl. I worried that I'm gonna be socially awkward and have little friends for the rest of my life. Any Advice?

You're from England? COME TO AMERICA. Girls will literally line up and bend over when they hear your accent. And since our nation was founded by people who were unpopular in your country, it will be a nice thematic fit, too.

How do you inform a friend that they're a bitch?

This is one of those times when "a friend" means "you" right?

Hey Zac, I am 18 and I've only had 1 girlfriend and I think she didn't know what to say so she just said yes any advice on how to get a girlfriend?

MOST girls only say yes because they don't know what else to say. No shame in that game! It's what you do AFTER you've guilted them in to dating you that counts. So keep that pathetic act going! It has worked very well for me.

My boyfriend and I have nothing in common. When I told him that the world has come between us he reminded me that one time we watched "Breakfast at Tiffany's" I recall that we both kinda liked it, but Zac do you think that's enough of a reason to stay in relationship with him?

You know, the philosopher MC Skat Kat once said that opposites attract. And while that is true in some cases, usually you need some kind of foothold to sustain a relationship. My wife and I go mountain climbing. GET IT? FOOTHOLD?

But seriously, you just got that song stuck in my head. So fuck you.

SEASON 2 of NO CHURCH IN THE WILD: the video series starts next week. Happy New Year, everybody!

I Enjoyed Breaking Dawn More Than Harry Potter And Other Movie Revelations From 2011

This was sort of a rebuilding year for movies, right? Most of the stuff we got excited about hasn't come out yet (The Dark Knight Rises, The Hobbit, The Avengers, etc) and some of the stuff that it seemed like we were excited about turned out to be stuff we weren't very excited about after all (The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo*). Movies that were hits came seemingly out of nowhere (Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes. Mission Impossible). And a lot of movies that looked rad were in limited release, meaning most of us haven't had a chance to see them yet (Take Shelter, Martha Marcy May Marlene, Drive, Beginners, Win Win, Sleeping Beauty, Cedar Rapids**).

(*Or maybe not yet? Give Dragon Tattoo another weekend. America didn't want to see a collection of loosely-strung together rape scenes--basically the 9 Songs of rape, I take it--over Christmas weekend, but maybe New Year's?)

(**I'm starting to realize I might have to rent movies from iTunes from now on? Is that how it's going to be? Christ.) 

The other sign, for me, was that I didn't go to the movies very much this year. And I'm a big "going to the movies" guy, for lack of a better term (cinephile is not the right word for someone who saw Transformers 3). But I saw some movies that I liked, and here is basically my top ten:

10. The Other Guys

This movie came out in 2010, but I only got to it this year because nobody told me how fucking funny it is. Two words: Michael Keaton. That should be all you need to know. But if that doesn't work: Michael Keaton working at Bed, Bath and Beyond. But also: you know when you laugh half because it's funny and half because you were not expecting there to be a joke there? Imagine doing that for two hours. Gosh, when I write it like that it sounds so unpleasant! But it's not. Michael Keaton working at Bed, Bath and Beyond, okay?

9. Transformers: Dark Of The Moon

Give Michael Bay a little credit. His learning curve is a long one, but it exists. After complaints about the incomprehensibility of the action in Transformers 2, he clearly made an effort to clean up the camera work and give us a few more wide angles. I could follow what was going on about 75% of the time. And I thoroughly enjoyed about 25% of that 75%. Which doesn't sound like much, but then you remember that it's about nine hours long. But seriously folks, the last 45 minutes of this movie is an action sequence that was totally bonkers-fantastic in the theater. I mean, there's a visual reference to Oldboy in there for fuck's sake! Of course we have to wait for Transformers 4 for Michael Bay to fix his other mistake: Shia LeBeouf. Oy, the Shia. I heard Jason Statham is the choice to topline the franchise from here on out, and I hope he will bring a new (British, charming) sense of humor to the proceedings. Because as we left the theater my friend Josh noted, "That was the douchiest movie ever." And in a way, that is sort of a compliment, but not really. 

By the way, I'm not entirely sure this is worth seeing unless you're watching it on a huge, 3-D screen (in a theater that smells like Axe Body Spray), so don't rush out to the Red Box or whatever you kids do these days. I see a DVD of this movie every day in the checkout line at the grocery store for like twenty-seven fucking dollars. Has anyone ever purchased a movie at a grocery store? The fuck? Anyway.

8. Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows pt. 2

This movie was GREAT, So great. I was moved by it, I was thrilled by it. But I've been thinking about watching it again, and I kind of don't want to? Because HP 7 and 8 are fucking ordeals, you know? It's like climbing a mountain. When you get to the top, it's beautiful and you're so happy, but you're also kind of like, OK let's not do this again for a while. This was a feeling I once reserved only for the LOTR movies, which I have seen once and will probably never watch again (I saw them in the theaters, and own the DVDs, but I have never opened them). Apparently the Harry Potter movies have joined their ranks. One doesn't simply walk into the Battle of Hogwarts, Luke.

7. Mission: Impossible -- Ghost Protocol

GHOST PROTOCOLLLLLL! This movie was ridiculous and I loved it so much. The action sequences are gorgeous, and there's a real wit to the proceedings that you don't really think about until later. And yes, Tom Cruise is a crazy person, but it turns out that can be an asset in the movie business (see the Burj Hotel sequence, for which Tom Cruise apparently did some of his own stunts. Being suspended a mile and a half in the air is apparently less scary when you're OT level 8 and could just levitate if you wanted to, I guess). WHO WOULDA THUNK!?!?!?

6. Breaking Dawn pt. 1

How on earth is this movie ahead of Harry Potter, you say? I can feel you angrily warming up your Tumblr dashboards. But hold up! I'm not saying BD is objectively BETTER than HP, I'm just saying the experience of watching it was way more fun. Yes, I hate everything these movies (especially this movie) stand(s) for. Does that mean they're not a fucking blast? No! I can compartmentalize the moral outrage. I'm very good at that. I would make a great sociopath.

The wedding scene was great (especially because it provided detail where the book lazily copped out), the honeymoon was actually sexy (I still want to see the original take that had to be cut because K. Stew was humping too hard, though), the body horror was sufficiently gross, and the birth scene was about as good as it could have been (except for the part where SPOILER ALERT Edward has pulled Renesmee out of Bella and Bella is fucking dying and Edward and Jacob are just kind of calmly strolling around the room for a few beats, what was that). And, again, the closing credits were killer.

I know I kind of broke up with Twilight earlier this year, but I still have some fond feelings for it along with the bitterness. This is our breakup sex. And I'm sure we'll have another drunken hookup in a year's time. It's called closure, okay?

5. Our Idiot Brother

I saw Mission: Impossible at a Regal Theater where they have that RPX sound-system shit. Are you familiar? It's super expensive and you basically pay two dollars extra to have your ears blown out, and I entertained myself while the deafening previews were happening with the thought of seeing like, a quiet indie comedy at a fucking RPX theater.

Anyway, Our Idiot Brother was great! It was assured and unassuming (and moderately funny), and it made no big deal out of the fact that like, EVERYBODY was in the damn thing. (Janet Montgomery was in it, so technically Ashley Greene sort of was too.) It was this year's Please Give (Have you seen Please Give? Please do), which is faint praise but in the very best way. Because not every movie has to be like, a big thing. Some movies can just be about a guy with a dog who has a family, you know? This will turn up on Netflix Instant sooner or later, at which point it will entertain you very thoroughly on a rainy day. And that's an underrated trait in movies! Okay, now back to the movies with explosions.

4. X-Men: First Class

Forget Weekend. The best subtle depiction of a realistic gay relationship was THIS MOVIE. I mean, just kidding, but not really? I wrote at further length about this a while ago, but the X-Men movies have struggled to integrate (ha!) the gay rights symbology with the civil rights symbology in the past, and this movie did, for the most part, a better job than the others (except for one ridiculously clunky, racist moment) symbology-wise. And also, Magneto was so badass! He's the top and Xavier is the bottom for sure, right? I'd let Magneto fuck me. 

3. Bridesmaids

Cut the scene where everybody shits themselves and this would be my favorite movie of the year. Because unlike, say, The Hangover, it was a comedy about recognizable humans. A lot of them. Everybody did a great job, especially Melissa McCarthy (duh) and Rose Byrne and that dude from the IT Crowd. And Kristen Wiig! She contains multitudes, and it turns out it’s not just “multitudes of annoying one-note SNL characters.” The dress-shitting scene kinda throw a wrench into all that (though there are bright spots within it, that sounds gross but it’s not). It was grafted on by Judd Apatow, and he and everyone else involved made sure to mention that fact a lot during interviews because it FELT grafted on, and I think they were sort of heading us off at the pass. But even with all that shit, this was such a good movie. For a bunch of girls. 

2. The Tree Of Life

When the credits rolled after I saw this thing, a few people scoffed and chuckled bitterly on the way out of the theater. Others were openly weeping. So, uh, that’s the range of possible experiences one could take away from this film (which won the Palme D’Or at Cannes this year). Yeah, Tree of Life gets a lot deserved credit for being basically the most beautiful series of images you will ever see on a screen, but I don’t understand the other half of the consensus, which is that there is no story. Guys, this story is so big that you technically have to say “spoiler alert” before you say “The earth forms.” Check it out if you haven’t yet.

1. Friday Night Lights season 1/Parks and Recreation seasons 3/4

One reason I didn't go to the movies much this year is because there was so much good TV at home. I know that Friday Night Lights is oldish but if you have been putting it off because UGH FOOTBALL you need to cut that shit out right now and watch. Season 1 is PERFECT. And Parks and Rec has been killing it at such a velocity that it almost makes me angry? Like, how is every episode somehow better than the last? What the fuck? It's great, please watch both of these shows, I have gained so much enjoyment from them this year, they were literally better than every movie. 

So there. Eight 2011 movies and some other stuff. What were your favorite movies this year? Get at me.

(Your) Favorite Videos Of 2011

So I wanted to do a post about my favorite video work from 2011, but I kind of don't have the energy? I put out 115 videos this year, ok? I'm tired. So I asked YOU, the reader, on Tumblr and Twitter, about what you liked. Here is what some of you said.

 

My friend Jory picked this one, as did his uncle Bob. When I finished I thought for sure someone would probably try to beat me up for making it, which is the way I like to feel when I finish something. I'm indebted to the cartoonist David Rees, who made it a habit of exploring one news item in successive issues of Get Your War On, allowing himself to build to different punchlines each time. The "Abortion Gap pt. 1" is here.

A Very Cullen Christmas

Edward Cullen carefully pulled his red Christmas sweater over his head and breathed a long breath through his nose. It was 8:25am.
“Merry Christmas, baby,” Bella said, leaning against her knees on their bed.
He turned sharply and stared through the cottage wall in the direction of his family's home.
“Relax,” she said. “It's a holiday.”
“Put some clothes on, Bella. This is the Lord's day.” Edward turned the corner to wake Renesmee.
Bella groaned, leaned back, and rolled onto her stomach.
“Are you coming?” Edward asked her impatiently upon returning.
“I'll follow.”
“Why do you always insist on having twenty minutes alone? What are you doing in here?”
“Just collecting my thoughts,” Bella said. “I'm still getting used to this vampire-brain. I need a little alone time."
“Speaking of your thoughts,” Edward said, softly now. “I think you should let me in there again.”
Bella giggled. “That's what your mom said to me in the shower this morning.”
Edward huffed, then stared into her eyes. “Let me hear you,” he implored.
Bella's face tightened in apparent concentration. “I can't do it, honey,” she said after a moment.
“I don't understand. You were so good at it for a few weeks there.”
“Well, you know, I really needed my powers when we were threatened by the Volturi,” she said quickly. “Maybe now the lack of danger...my powers are receding.”
“Hmmm,” Edward said. “Interesting. Perhaps I'll discuss that theory with Carlisle.”
“Yes, do,” Bella said, kissing him on the cheek. “I'll see you in a bit.”
Edward headed for the door and scooped up Renesmee, who was waiting patiently in the doorway.
“Come quickly, mommy,” Renesmee squeaked.
Bella chuckled. “I plan on it,” she said under her breath.
“What was that?” Edward turned.
“I said Merry Christmas,” Bella said.
“Merry Christmas,” he said, and left.

“What are you all doing?” Edward put Renesmee down and glared at his siblings. “I thought we were going to church!”
They were sprawled in various states of undress all over couches and on the floor in the living room.
“Happy holidays, Edward!” Alice said cheerily from the couch, where a Santa hat was the most significant article of clothing on her person.
“Seasons greetings!” Emmett coughed, wearing even less.
“MERRY CHRISTMAS,” Edward corrected. “Would you have the decency to hide your bodies in front of my daughter? Especially on this, the day of our Lord's blessed birth?”
“Would you have the decency to respect others' religious beliefs?” Rosalie, asked. “Especially on this, the December 25th Day Of General Holiday Celebration?”
“Our religion dictates that we lounge around naked,” Emmett said. “In fact, going to church is specifically prohibited.”
“Literally,” Jasper added, half-buried in beer cans on a reclining chair.
“You're trying to upset me,” Edward said. “This is a Christian family.”
“Not me,” Alice said, rising and wrapping a blanket around herself. “I'm Shinto.”
“You are not,” he said, crossing his arms.
“Sure I am,” she said. “See? Shin, toe!” And then she kicked him sharply in the leg.
Renesmee giggled.
“That's very insensitive. Are you coming or not?” Edward said haughtily. “I hope you understand what a sin it would be to do otherwise.”
“Bella's coming right now,” Alice grinned.
“I don't hear her footsteps,” Edward said.
“Well give her a minute to clean up!”
“Clean up what!?”
Emmett, Rosalie and Alice laughed hysterically. The beer cans on top of Jasper shook.
“I'm leaving,” Edward said, turning to the door. “Enjoy hell, losers.”
“Enjoy church, faggot.” Emmett responded.
“Whoa,” Alice said. “Not cool, bro.”

That evening, the Cullens exchanged gifts. Edward sat moodily in the corner, trying not to have any fun.
“Ron Paul's newsletters!” Jasper exclaimed, opening his gift. “This is literally the best present I've ever gotten!”
Rosalie opened her box and stared in curiously. “What is this?” she asked. She produced a blank notebook with the words 'You're Doing It Wrong' written in black.
“It's the title of your book about parenting,” Bella said. “I pulled some strings at Little Brown. You have to turn in a draft by February.”
“Bella, this is so thoughtful!”
Bella opened hers next. It was a remote control. “I don't understand,” she said.
“It controls my vibrating panties,” Alice whispered. “You're welcome.”
Emmett opened a new set of Lincoln Logs and Carlisle a new office chair and Esme opened nothing because everyone forgot she existed, even herself. And then it was Edward's turn.
Alice and Rosalie approached him, heads bowed. Rosalie thrust the package into his arms.
“Edward,” Alice said. “We realize that Christmas is important to you, and though we may be on different sides of the culture war I'd really hate to think I'd ruined this day for you. You are my brother and I love you.”
Edward smiled slightly. “So what's the book?” he asked bemusedly. “The Kama Sutra? Some other filthy piece of entertainment?”
“Just open it,” Rosalie urged.
So he did. It was a fragile thing, a very old Bible from Spain.
“It's gorgeous,” Edward said, turning it over in his hands. “Thank you.”
“Feliz navidad,” Alice said, making a 'jerking off' hand gesture for some reason.
“Whoa,” Jasper said. “I just realized that Christmas is LITERALLY Spanish for 'More Christ.'”
“Holy shit bro,” Emmett said. “You just blew my mind.”
“So, will you read us the story of Jesus's birth?” Alice asked, dancing in place. “Wouldn't that be a fun new tradition to start?”
“That's a wonderful idea, Alice,” Edward said, smiling.
“Is that story even in the Bible, though?” Rosalie asked.
“Um, I'm not sure actually,” Edward said.

My Favorite Posts Of The Year

I started this blog because I wanted to make myself write a lot. And I have succeeded! We nearly cleared 400 posts this year. And sure, some of those were just screen caps of Harry Potter movies with dumb captions, but those were still written, sort of! Unfortunately there is a bit of a gap between what I like and what is "popular." It has been ever thus, so in lieu of pity please take a minute to read one of two of these posts. I was more or less happy with the way they came out.

Consider The Lobster Ravioli (Mostly because I feel like I explained academic modeling in a way that helped ME understand it? That happens sometimes)

As Wind In Dry Grass (Because HOLY SHIT.)

Happy Valentine's Day From The Cast Of Twilight

The Devil And Demi Lovato (I tried to tie all of my Twilight- and Disney- and Political-hellscape coverage together a few times at the beginning of this year. And sometimes I got close to figuring out What It All Meant. It's still one of those Marlow-in-Heart-Of-Darkness inconclusive experiences, mostly.)

Wolfe & Shorty (I honestly would expand this into a novella if I felt like there was an audience for it. I love it so.)

Proshai Jashlushka (I dedicated so much of my life to Jashley that when they broke up, it almost felt like one of my friends died. But like, a friend I sort of hated.)

Movies Are Hard: Titantic II (So much of this still makes me laugh. SINKING IMMINENT!)

Who Said It: Ashley Greene Or David Foster Wallace? (My favorite headline ever)

Here, Read This Infuriating Fucking Thing (My second favorite headline)

What To Expect When You're Expecting The Rapture

"Culture War"/"Speaking In Tongues" (T.S. Eliot's poetry is the basis of all indie rock. DEAL WITH IT.)

Writing Breaking Dawn: A Perfect Day For Vampirefish (My literary mashup in the vein of Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, which is called Nine Stories About Vampires, will be published as soon as someone agrees to publish it. We'll also probably have to kill all of JD Salinger's relatives. Real talk: "Uncle Wiggily In Connecticut" is the basis for every piece of fanfic I've ever written. Totally serious.)

 Shut The Fuck Up, James Franco (Enough fucking said)

Five Ways To Fix The Ending Of Breaking Dawn (It's still not too late! #5 is money! Call me, Bill Condon!)

The Predictive Ashley Greene Profile (I'm still so bummed AG's Esquire profile got spiked. But maybe it's for the best that this is all we have.)

Puking Into Computers With Ivana XL (Speaking of Esquire: I totally bit their style here. But Ivana is really cool and this "interview" which we did on Facebook was so fun!)

23 Costume Ideas (OK so it doesn't really play now, but this got a real laugh out of lots of people I know IRL who are notoriously stingy with laughter)

Slow Down, Dilettante (My wife read this and said, "I really like your 'complaining about The World" posts.' So.)

The Most Popular Videos Of The Year

I released something like 116 videos this year. What? Huh? No, for real, I did. And to my consistent delight, people kept coming back and watching them. A few certainly didn't seem to resonate with people (I could blame some of that on the vicissitudes of YouTube's publishing system but I won't because I AM A GENTLEMAN), and only a few of them took off beyond my standard audience of 2,000 or so freaks (luv u guyz!), but the lowest-viewed video on this list has 4,334 views right now. That feels good! 4,000+ people are willing to watch me jerk off on my apartment. Metaphorically, I mean.

1. Sex And Young People

There's a lot of trafficking in nostalgia on the Internet--it's one of Tumblr's main fuel lines (the others being Doctor Who and hipstamatic tit shots)--and I was a little uneasy about (sort of) doing that. But I figured the jokes about blue balls would offset the guilt I felt, and I was right.

2. What Is Dubstep?

Mentioning dubstep on YouTube is like mentioning Kristen Stewart's tits on the rest of the Internet. People come in droves for all the wrong reasons. But I don't care because everybody also said I looked hot in this video.

3. Gorilla Attack!

IT HAPPENED TO ME: A gorilla threw his body at me and all I thought about was whether or not I'd captured it on camera. Vlogging is going to kill me some day.

4. RSR: Osama Bin Laden

Rock and Sock and Robot takes forever to make, and when it seemed to be getting less love and attention than the videos in which I was just sitting there and talking I put it on the back burner. But I love doing an episode every now and then. And the great thing about a video series in which three puppets talk shit to each other is that occasionally you can sneak a really serious point in there. That's what she said.

5. Oscar Porno/God

I had a very specific vlog style for a while, and as soon as people started to notice that style I got a little uncomfortable. This is apparently a problem for me, as everyone tells me the name of the game for YouTube success is REPETITION. But I'm not interested in catchphrases on t-shirts, I'm sorry. Maybe some day I will be able to bite the bullet and tell you all to buy a #NCITW shirt, but for now I just can't.  Anyway, I remember this being one of the first vlogs in which I tried to slow things down.

6. The Morning After Vidcon

Speaking of not selling out! Listen, I get that Vidcon is fun and I know that the Green brothers are principally involved in it, but what I don't like is people who see YouTube not as a means to an end but as just an END. You should not aspire to be famous or funny or relevant ON YOUTUBE, you should just aspire to be those things, you know?

7. Ask Three Assholes

In high school when I started doing sketch comedy I was such a DICK about not improvising anything.  Stick to the script, guys, I would say. I had a lot of faith in the written word. I was wrong about that. Sometimes you should just turn a camera on and let some shit fall out of your mouth! Not that this video is the best example, I can't even really remember what's in it. But OTHER videos like this work very well sometimes.

8. Harry Potter And The Over-Represented White Population

The comments on this video provide ample evidence to the Twi-Hards out there that Potterheads really DON'T have the moral high ground. Holy shit.

9. The Tragedy Of Mitt Romney

This is probably the video I am happiest with on this list, even though I look like I just rolled out of bed. I in fact had just rolled out of bed! But anyway it's hard to make a plea for measured, reasonable discourse without sounding somehow ridiculous and boring at the same time. Just ask Jon Stewart! But I was somehow successful here, and I know because even one my ex-girlfriends told me so.

10. Inception Valentines/Conservation Hearts

I can't really explain or defend this video at all. Hahahaha.

Most Popular Posts Of The Year

2011 is almost over, and for once I am not sitting here going "Wow, where does the time go?" 2011 was a LONG ASS YEAR. Don't get me wrong, it's been kind of a great one for me, but it was like one of those good long movies that still feels long, you know? Like Magnolia! This year was some Magnolia-type ish. I was really enjoying it, the whole time, but I was also like "you can go ahead and wrap up now, buddy."

I mean, just look at the topics covered on this blog. We discussed nearly the entirety of Breaking Dawn (the first few posts were in 2010). We documented the fall of Jashley. We blogged The Hunger Games. And we touched on other various topics, like X-Men and rimjobs and Harry Potter. I started an advice column which then became a video series. We were all over the fucking place this year. 

Expect 2012 to be similar. We're starting with Looking For Alaska, but who knows where we will go next? Exciting, no?

Anyway, here are the ten most popular posts of 2011:

1. On Movie Nudity In General And Kristen Stewart Specifically

Well sure, when you tag a post "Kristen Stewart's tits" you're going to get some pageviews. But I stand by my sentiments about nudity and modern cinema, and I hope that at least a few thousand people read what I had to say while they were masturbating to the blurry still from On The Road I posted along with said sentiments. And On The Road is supposedly coming out next year, so we'll probably be discussing Kristen Stewart's tits (in a civilized manner) again in the near future. (Plus we'll get a less blurry photo! Yes!)

2. We're Still A Little Behind/Kristen Stewart's Ass Appreciation Gallery

OK, this one is a little less defensible. What can I say, girl can wear a pair of jeans! But I think it may be culturally significant that so many people were so much more interested in Stewart's body parts this year than they were Ashley Greene's. A similarly gratuitous posts about AG didn't get nearly the same numbers as these two. If I were Ashley Greene's tits, I'd be worried.

3. On The Occasion Of Jacob Black Imprinting On A Newborn Child

I was thrilled when this post took off and got tweeted a bunch and linked to and all that. Partially just because (duh) I like attention, but also because MY GOD, why don't more people freak out about this? I still haven't figured out if Bill Condon's duck-and-cover technique in the movie is more or less unconscionable than S. Meyer's original work, but I still know for sure that this part of Breaking Dawn made me angrier than anything else I read this year. And I got angry at a lot of stuff I read!

4. Blogging Breaking Dawn: The Honeymooners 

This post may have been assisted by the hilarious fact that Entertainment Weekly used the same title I did, apparently sans even the original layer or irony, for a gallery of stills from the Breaking Dawn movie. But this is also the post that discusses Bella's bruises and her bizarre post-coital conversation with Edward.

5. Crazy-Ass Fan Art Gallery Weekend

Fans be artin'! And you know, I saw a bunch of the stuff you guys dug up on bigger blogs MONTHS after this post. So good job! You're the real heroes. 

6.  Cat Marnell On A Hot Tin Roof

Lightning-rod XOJane editor Cat Marnell set several Internet fires this year, and I was happy to bask in the warmth from them on several occasions. Shine on, you crazy crack rock! It makes a lovely light, etc. 

7. Blogging Breaking Dawn: Mama, I'm Swollen

Several people told me this was their favorite installment of Blogging Breaking Dawn (it's the one in which I pointed out the ways Meyer was stacking the deck of her own abortion parable) which was really great to hear. A lot of the reviews of BD pt. 1 mentioned these sorts of accusations and said people were reaching, trying to make a political story where there wasn't one. Of course, those reviewers readily admit to not being familiar with the source material. I should have written a lot of angry emails, but I exercised restraint. 

8. No Church In The Wild #1

I never thought NCITW would sprout the kind of legs it eventually did. I thought I'd solve the world's problems in 5-7 posts. But a dozen text columns and as many videos later the questions keep pouring in. Thank you for that. That sounds weird to say. Thanks for having problems, guys!

9. Edward Cullen Asks His Family About Sex

There are a lot of people who discovered Blogging Twilight late (about 20 of them are going through the old posts right now, even). And I worry that those folks missed the Fan Fiction. It's probably some of my best work, and I miss doing it. I miss writing as Alice Cullen! This one was one of my very favorites, so I am gratified it was one of the most read pieces this year. 

10. Blogging The Hunger Games: Papa Was A Rodeo

Oh right, we talked about The Hunger Games, too! I'm sorry I didn't like it, you guys. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt over it, but it doesn't change the fact that I really hated it. The good news is, Looking For Alaska is a great book! 

If you think this is the last year-end post you're CRAZY, but let me take this opportunity anyway to sincerely thank you for reading. I don't reply in the comments as much as I should, but I love hearing from you. Y'all are the best. I hope you had a good year. -Z 

No More Movie Trailers Are Needed

Well, I have found it. The world's most PERFET movie trailer. Forget the masterpiece that is the Where The Wild Things Are trailer, forget the weirdly moving clip for I'm Not There, forget that really gnarly, tit-filledv red-band teaser trailer for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (which I can't find anywhere anymore). FUCK WHAT YOU HEARD because this trailer has EVERYTHING. Clumsy explanation for why almost none of the previous cast is returning? CHECK. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson* spouting campy one-liners? CHECK YOUR MOM. Tyra Collette from Friday Night Lights vamping it up? CHECK. Ninja fights** on the sides of mountains? chhhhhhhhhhhhhECkkkk (that's a heavily speed-ramped check, known by the Associated Press as a "Zack Snyder check"). AND THEN there is the thing that happens at the end, which I can't even spoil for you. You just have to SEE IT. It had to HAPPEN TO YOU. No more movie trailers are needed, the art form has been perfected, thanks for your time.

*Honestly, it bugs me a little that The Rock is not a bigger star. In a world that made sense, he'd be the biggest movie star on earth. He's charismatic, he's good-looking, and he has the same voice as Barack Obama (plus a little of the natural modulation caused by human growth hormone but anyway) which is timely and zeitgeisty. WHAT GIVES? I guess me and The Rock can take some consolation in the fact that he almost certainly killed Osama Bin Laden. Which is perfect. I mean, if I were president, I would utilize pro-wrestlers and celebrities to leverage foreign policy as much as possible. How much would it have fucked with Osama's head if his door had been kicked down and in stormed The Rock, Liam Neeson, and Captain America? Al-Qaeda would have disbanded THE NEXT DAY. "We really can't fuck with these guys anymore," they would have said. 
**A conversation that happened when I first saw this trailer. Friend: "Why wouldn't they just go a little further up the cliff and cut all of the ropes?" Me: "That would be against the Ninja Code." Friend: "That is not a real thing."

No Church In The Wild, The Week In Review

More videos after the jump. Have a good weekend, y'all.

The Ten Best Comments On The Video For Next's "Too Close"

Video via Vevo here.

10. “I remember when I was younger watching "Sister Sister" reruns on the Disney Channel and Next was on an episode, and singing this song! Now that I'm older, and realize what this song is about, I can't believe they put this on Disney!” -avataranime101

9. “OMG I'm 21 and just learned what this song was about! Thanks Cosmo!!”-bamafencer12

8. “THIS IS GOOD RB MUSIC . I LIKE THIS KIND OF MUSIC.” -DENNISBURTON50

7. “Hey who still bumpin this classic in 2011!” -SanYel09 (3 thumbs up)

6. “thumbs up if ur listing to this in 2012” -Tyagirl100 (5 thumbs up)

5. “just three dudes singing together about their boners. nothing unusual here” -sadie233

4. “@sadie233 Hey its called R&B !!!!!!!!” -DrBiggiePacNHarmony

3. “I mainly was able to find this song because I used to think they were saying "King Triton" when they said "I can't fight it." so that made me need to find the song after so many years.. lol :D”-Kandyluvs

2. “@Kandyluvsu Don't even trip. When I was younger I used to think they were saying "rigalo" when they said "Real close" and that's not even a word. So I think mine was worst. Lol.” –netuber12

1. “This song still goes hard!”-myenmoni

Important Discussions About Pubic Hair

So, I am indifferent about female pubic hair. That’s the wrong word, but I have no preference. I am so enthusiastic about the whole region that it’s all good, is I guess what I am saying. But here is an article at The Atlantic that I think warrants discussion.

The gist of it is: “Hey, did you know lots of women don’t have pubic hair?” And it’s written in that weird way some trend pieces are these days, where the implication is that EVERYONE does it but the author is still telling you like you don’t know. Who is this article for then, aliens?

 But there are a few minor points that irritated me, like the fact that the author too closely associates waxing with hair-removal in general, so that after five or six paragraphs they’re considered one in the same. That’s just lazy writing! Ever heard of shaving? Ever heard of biting/burning it off?

There’s also the more major contention that to remove pubic hair is to “turn back the clock on puberty.” Lots of people make this argument, Rob Delaney especially. He even goes so far as to accuse people who prefer it of pedophilia. RELAX, ROB DELANEY. There are lots of things that separate adult women from children, okay? It’s not just, or not even, the bush. But “pre-pubescent” and other adjectives are irritatingly all over the place in this article. The idea that pubic hair is what makes you an adult and that to remove it is to undo that adulthood is silly, right? It’s false and it’s too easy and I feel like it’s sort of like quoting the Bible in a political debate, but I’m too tired to connect that dot right now.

I love that waxers see a spike in business before Halloween. That’s so awesome

The Other End Of The Bell Curve

Somewhere in the middle of the morass that was Book 3 of Breaking Dawn, I felt the wave finally break and roll back. My enthusiasm, morbidly qualified though it was, had been curbed. But for a few minutes there, in the days before and after having seen Breaking Dawn pt. 1, I thought maybe the franchise had won me back over. I've enjoyed discussing the movie with poor souls like myself, after all (and may god have mercy on us).

Yet, today, I saw a headline about James Franco reviewing the latest film for The Paris Review. Ordinarily this would be something I'd relish sinking my teeth into, if you'll pardon the expression. But instead I just thought Nah, fuck that. Fuck James Franco, and fuck that. It feels good.

I'm going to gradually start unfollowing the Twilight-related Twitters and Tumblrs I follow (except 247Greene, natch). It's time. The important work of discussing the primary texts has been done, and I am proud of the work we all did. And there are a few Biterion Collection films I still want to check out (Skateland, I will wring your heart yet!) and we will all surely reconvene in a year's time to bitch about BD part 2. But this is me signing off from any kind of day-to-day coverage of the Twilight Saga. Y'all will let me know if anything really important happens, yeah?

I finished my first read-through of Looking For Alaska today, and I'm excited about where we can go from here. But where we're going, we don't need Kellan Lutzes.

Zac, Kira and Rosanne Discuss Breaking Dawn pt. 3

Sorry, I just never found a good place to use this photo

[7:06 PM] kirabira: how does carlisle get all that blood? i mean, i know he's a doctor.

[7:06 PM] kirabira: but what excuse could he give?
[7:07 PM] kirabira: "oh, i run a little abortion clinic out of my house on the side."
[7:07 PM] pir8munky: Well that’s what I don't understand, why they can't drink human blood via blood bank
[7:07 PM] pir8munky: Angel kept a stash in his fridge. Most other vampires seem to do that, too
[7:08 PM] pir8munky: Carlisle would never steal blood, though, so I don't know what he does
[7:08 PM] kirabira: you'd think he'd have ethical issues with that.
[7:08 PM] kirabira: what about the people in need who won't have that blood available?
[7:09 PM] pir8munky: they would have bad lives anyway
[7:09 PM] pir8munky: OH so speaking about bad lives
[7:09 PM] pir8munky: I wanted the "Bad Edward" flashback to be much more dramatic
[7:09 PM] kirabira: yeah, that entire story line was pretty flat.
[7:09 PM] pir8munky: As in, we get to see an actual kill for once
[7:10 PM] pir8munky: he didn't try very hard to get her to see the downside, for all his protesting
[7:10 PM] zacharylittle: It reminded me of that Coen brothers movie about hula hoops
[7:10 PM] pir8munky: Hudsucker Proxy?
[7:10 PM] zacharylittle: Yes
[7:10 PM] zacharylittle: It was Hudsucker Proxian. You know, for kids

[7:11 PM] zacharylittle: REAL TALK This movie was the first time I bought Bella and Edward's love
[7:11 PM] zacharylittle: They seemed to like each other
[7:11 PM] kirabira: truth.
[7:11 PM] pir8munky: Well, I always did, but I am a sucker
[7:11 PM] zacharylittle: And there is that scene when she's pregnant and they reconnect?
[7:11 PM] pir8munky: Aw, so cute!
[7:11 PM] kirabira: when they're giggling over him hearing the baby? pretty great.
[7:11 PM] pir8munky: That really got to me
[7:11 PM] zacharylittle: Like, "we've kind of not been on the same page"
[7:12 PM] guest-11235 entered the room.
[7:12 PM] zacharylittle: It reminded me of my own relationship
[7:12 PM] pir8munky: thank god he apologized for being such a dick
[7:12 PM] guest-11235 changed nickname to nonsense
[7:12 PM] kirabira: except he was also not being a dick because it would've been cool if she'd have
[7:12 PM] nonsense left the room.
[7:12 PM] kirabira: talked to him about how she felt about the baby.
[7:12 PM] kirabira: she didn't include him in the decision.
[7:12 PM] kirabira: and the stakes were hella high.
[7:12 PM] zacharylittle: And he brings that up, right?
[7:13 PM] pir8munky: they were both wrong in this case
[7:13 PM] zacharylittle: He has a line where he mentions that, and I was like WHOA
[7:13 PM] pir8munky: yeah that was impressive
[7:13 PM] zacharylittle: This movie was written by someone who has talked with humans
[7:13 PM] pir8munky: she is bad, but you know, she's only 18
[7:13 PM] zacharylittle: SHE'S AN OLD SOUL
[7:13 PM] kirabira: she’s such bad communicator
[7:13 PM] kirabira: like when she's trying to explain how she was happy with their sexing.
[7:14 PM] kirabira: and she just says kind of unhelpful fragments.
[7:14 PM] zacharylittle: That scene though, Kira, is UNFIXABLE
[7:14 PM] zacharylittle: S. Meyer is trying to do so much at once
[7:14 PM] zacharylittle: I felt like R Pattz did as good as was possible acting his way out of that shit
[7:14 PM] zacharylittle: He has to hate sex and love sex
[7:14 PM] zacharylittle: He has to be happy and sad
[7:15 PM] zacharylittle: It's emotionally incoherent on the page

[7:15 PM] pir8munky: I can't wait till part two when they have vampire sex
[7:15 PM] pir8munky: I mean, I realize it will probably be a letdown
[7:15 PM] zacharylittle: I got the impression that there is like a vampire sex montage
[7:15 PM] kirabira: yeah.
[7:15 PM] zacharylittle: Like, here's each pair banging
[7:15 PM] pir8munky: yeah, oh all of them?
[7:15 PM] pir8munky: gross
[7:15 PM] kirabira: they'll need to show bella remembering all the times they were having sex, but she
[7:15 PM] kirabira: didn't realize it at the time.
[7:15 PM] kirabira: like a little flashback.
[7:16 PM] pir8munky: she didn't realize they were having sex?
[7:16 PM] zacharylittle: Yeah, huh?
[7:16 PM] kirabira: they, meaning the other vampires.
[7:16 PM] kirabira: sorry.
[7:16 PM] pir8munky: OH!
[7:16 PM] zacharylittle: AHH
[7:16 PM] zacharylittle: Yes!
[7:16 PM] kirabira: sorry. hahaha
[7:16 PM] pir8munky: haha
[7:16 PM] zacharylittle: At first I thought
[7:16 PM] zacharylittle: you mean like Bella is still so unused to vampire speed and stuff
[7:16 PM] pir8munky: OH!
[7:16 PM] zacharylittle: that Edward just runs up behind her
[7:17 PM] kirabira: hahahaha
[7:17 PM] zacharylittle: And runs away, and then she's like
[7:17 PM] zacharylittle: whoa, I just felt a stiff breeze

[7:17 PM] pir8munky: You know when they jump off the waterfall?
[7:17 PM] pir8munky: Is Edward supposed to fall to earth faster than just like earth things?
[7:17 PM] kirabira: i don't know.
[7:17 PM] pir8munky: because I am not a scientist, but I don't think that's how gravity works
[7:18 PM] zacharylittle: I was distracted by K Stew's wet, white bathing suit
[7:18 PM] pir8munky: But like he jumped in the water with super speed
[7:18 PM] kirabira: but he should've held onto her the entire time. they have them slash down separately and
[7:18 PM] kirabira: i felt like that was dangerous.
[7:18 PM] pir8munky: they did? I thought she was on him the whole time
[7:18 PM] zacharylittle: indeed.

Turn Off The Dark [Insert Sex Joke]

Ashley Greene is dating Reeve Carney, who plays Spider-Man in Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark. So:

1. Do you think he asks her to call him Spider-Man in bed? Or maybe Spidey? Or maybe Tiger?
2. Do you think sometimes he falls out of bed and hurts himself?
3. Do you think he has an understudy?
4. What is sex like when directed by Julie Taymor? Weird, I bet.
5. Like Peter Parker, does Reeve set up his own camera somewhere to capture the action? 
6. If AG had a threesome with this guy and Chris Evans, does that technically count as a crossover or does it not because they're both Marvel superheroes?
7. If RC screws up during sex do you think he asks AG if they can ret-con it?
8. Something something cleaning webs out of her hair.
9. Something something Spidey sense is tingling.
10. Something something "LOOK OUT, HERE CUMS THE SPIDER-MAN!!!"

Zac, Rosanne & Kira Discuss Breaking Dawn (Pt. 2)

[6:49 PM] kirabira: did the movie have the snow white preview before it for you guys?
[6:49 PM] pir8munky: yeah that preview looks sick!
[6:50 PM] kirabira: that shit looks sooooo good
[6:50 PM] pir8munky: I am excited
[6:50 PM] zacharylittle: For real.
[6:50 PM] kirabira: but it's weird that they had it all narrated by charlize, whose british accent is shaky
[6:50 PM] kirabira: at best.
[6:50 PM] zacharylittle: MR F
[6:50 PM] kirabira: and that kstew didn't have any lines it it.
[6:50 PM] pir8munky: They haven't even finished principal shooting, though
[6:50 PM] kirabira: do you think they made kstew do the accent, too?
[6:50 PM] zacharylittle: I know for a fact that they did. Look out.

***

[6:53 PM] kirabira: did you guys notice the weird dog painting in the scene where bella's sleeping in her
[6:53 PM] kirabira: bed at charlie's for the last time?
[6:53 PM] pir8munky: yes, that's always been there
[6:53 PM] pir8munky: I was like, I love that painting I would have totally taken that
[6:53 PM] pir8munky: and put it in the bathroom or something
[6:53 PM] kirabira: really??
[6:53 PM] zacharylittle: Bella having any art, or like, inner life, is jarring to me.
[6:53 PM] kirabira: i never noticed it and i couldn't stop laughing about it the first time i saw the movie
[6:54 PM] kirabira: like, embarrassing my friend, laughing into my purse.
[6:54 PM] pir8munky: haha, laughing into your purse?
[6:54 PM] kirabira: to smother the sound!
[6:54 PM] zacharylittle: Storing the laughs for later?
[6:54 PM] pir8munky: I like that, unzipping your purse and a hundred little laughs sing out.
[6:55 PM] kirabira: aw, like butterflies! or bubbles!

***

[6:57 PM] kirabira: i was thinking about how selfish it was of him to just not touch her again.
[6:57 PM] kirabira: does he know nothing about sex?
[6:57 PM] kirabira: go down on her or something, you dick.
[6:57 PM] zacharylittle: Can I also say that the part where she was touching herself
[6:57 PM] zacharylittle: hahah but really
[6:57 PM] zacharylittle: and remembering the night
[6:57 PM] zacharylittle: was actually really touching?
[6:57 PM] zacharylittle: GET IT TOUCHING
[6:57 PM] kirabira: totally!
[6:57 PM] pir8munky: yeah
[6:57 PM] zacharylittle: But I mean, I was like, moved.
[6:58 PM] zacharylittle: And then I was like NIPPLE
[6:58 PM] zacharylittle: and then I was moved again. So sweet! So loving!
[6:58 PM] pir8munky: and also how nervous she was
[6:58 PM] kirabira: yeah, her freaking out beforehand was fucking cute.
[6:58 PM] pir8munky: like she set it up and had been building it up in her mind SO MUCH
[6:58 PM] pir8munky: that was from the book, but also really good
[6:58 PM] zacharylittle: And cue punk rock music
[6:58 PM] zacharylittle: GET ER DONE, BELLA

***

[6:58 PM] kirabira: i don't see how brushing your teeth is a human thing. don't vampires do that?
[6:59 PM] pir8munky: They probably don't have decay or something
[6:59 PM] zacharylittle: Venom is self-cleaning
[6:59 PM] pir8munky: sign me up
[6:59 PM] kirabira: i was just thinking about breath.
[6:59 PM] zacharylittle: You just close your mouth and swallow
[6:59 PM] kirabira: blood breath is probably awful.
[6:59 PM] zacharylittle: and you're back to minty fresh

***

[6:59 PM] zacharylittle: I liked the grossness so much!
[7:00 PM] kirabira: dude.
[7:00 PM] zacharylittle: I wanted it to go FULL Black Swan
[7:00 PM] zacharylittle: but they went 1/2 and that was fine
[7:00 PM] kirabira: edward's arms covered in birth matter? gnarly.
[7:00 PM] pir8munky: when, at the end?
[7:00 PM] zacharylittle: No, when he got covered in birth matter at the wedding.

***

[7:01 PM] pir8munky: I did not like it when they showed her throwing up though
[7:01 PM] pir8munky: but that's my own deal
[7:01 PM] kirabira: and edward coming to talk closely to her immediately post vomit.
[7:01 PM] pir8munky: With his super sensitive smelling power
[7:01 PM] pir8munky: gross
[7:01 PM] kirabira: gross, bro. give me a sec to at least rinse my mouth.
[7:02 PM] zacharylittle: I think all human smells are cool for Edward
[7:02 PM] zacharylittle: he's over it. Like a garbage man.
[7:02 PM] pir8munky: they have to vom up the food they eat, right? maybe he forgot how gross it is
[7:02 PM] kirabira: sweet for bella.
[7:02 PM] kirabira: do they vom up the food?
[7:02 PM] zacharylittle: Yeah Edward mentions that in Book 1
[7:02 PM] pir8munky: yeah when they eat people food they have to bring it back up
[7:03 PM] kirabira: for some reason i didn't remember him saying they barfed it up. gross.
[7:03 PM] zacharylittle: Which made me laugh
[7:03 PM] zacharylittle: thinking of the Cullens like, years ago
[7:03 PM] zacharylittle: getting roped into a dinner party and then all stopping to barf in the woods
[7:03 PM] pir8munky: hahahaha
[7:03 PM] zacharylittle: Like, the 90s must have been good to the Cullens
[7:03 PM] zacharylittle: They would be watching Seinfeld and watching social niceties erode with glee
[7:03 PM] pir8munky: But if you're fat when you get turned, you're fat forever
[7:04 PM] kirabira: really? so they just don't know any fat vampires?
[7:04 PM] pir8munky: Siobhan is fat, isn't she?
[7:04 PM] kirabira: oh, is she?
[7:04 PM] kirabira: hahaha they have the picture of a single fat person in their wallets
[7:04 PM] zacharylittle: Siobhan is like, alluded to being a little heavy
[7:05 PM] zacharylittle: But might also just be weird-shaped
[7:05 PM] pir8munky: One of the other ones is. I feel iike they talk about her being santa claus fat
[7:05 PM] zacharylittle: I feel like Bella mentions her voice even being fat.
[7:05 PM] zacharylittle: Bella is such a cunt.
[7:05 PM] kirabira: hahaha

***

[7:05 PM] pir8munky: I can imagine the Cullens are THE BEST at thinking up good excuses why they can't do things
[7:05 PM] kirabira: you'd have to be.
[7:05 PM] kirabira: "oh, all the girls' cycles have synced and they're ALL on the rag! sorry!"
[7:05 PM] zacharylittle: Like that scene on The Office where Ryan gets out of lunch with Michael by using up ALL TH
[7:05 PM] zacharylittle: E EXCUSES
[7:05 PM] pir8munky: Haha
[7:06 PM] pir8munky: I haven't seen that one, Z. It sounds good though
[7:06 PM] zacharylittle: And then Jim can't say anything because all of them are used.
[7:06 PM] pir8munky: Oh maybe I have

Previously: "like, in your swimsuit area?"

Zac, Rosanne & Kira Discuss BREAKING DAWN (pt. 1)

[6:27 PM] kirabira: alright.
[6:27 PM] kirabira: so.
[6:27 PM] zacharylittle: BREAKING DAWN
[6:28 PM] pir8munky: yeah, I watched it again.
[6:28 PM] zacharylittle: I'm the only one who saw it once?
[6:28 PM] zacharylittle: For whom once was ENOUGH?
[6:28 PM] zacharylittle: Just playin, I loved it.
[6:28 PM] kirabira: how did all the werewolves suddenly have hella clothes money?
[6:29 PM] kirabira: they made such a big point of how that worked in the books.
[6:29 PM] kirabira: and that was why they were all wearing basically nothing in the other movies. but suddenly they just wear clothes all the time?
[6:29 PM] zacharylittle: Well, two guesses:
[6:29 PM] zacharylittle: 1: they had a bunch of money for this movie and literally nothing, no action scenes to spend it on
[6:29 PM] zacharylittle: and 2:
[6:29 PM] pir8munky: Also, it was cold and they were out of shape!
[6:29 PM] zacharylittle: Bill Condon thought, as a gay director, it was probably not a good idea to keep the level
[6:30 PM] zacharylittle: of gayness at standard
[6:30 PM] kirabira: he was mistaken.
[6:30 PM] zacharylittle: Because THEN
[6:30 PM] zacharylittle: everybody would suddenly notice how GAY these movies are.
[6:30 PM] kirabira: i mean, we agree that all the other werewolves' bodies weren't amazing.
[6:30 PM] zacharylittle: Sam "pot belly" Uley
[6:30 PM] zacharylittle: He's my boy.
[6:31 PM] zacharylittle: I have a Uleyan physique.
[6:31 PM] kirabira: poor sam. good old Sack Of Suet Uley!
[6:31 PM] pir8munky: I heard CS say something about how the director ASKED them if they wanted to wear shirts
[6:31 PM] pir8munky: or not and they all said shirts.
[6:31 PM] zacharylittle: That was so considerate.
[6:31 PM] zacharylittle: No one had ever asked before, I bet.
[6:31 PM] zacharylittle: "Kind sir, you'll let us wear shirts?"
[6:31 PM] kirabira: dude. i'd have been like, "hell no. personal train me to have taylaut's butt!"

***

[6:32 PM] kirabira: important question: was kstew wearing a wig?
[6:33 PM] kirabira: i feel like she was wearing serious extensions. but also her real hair.
[6:33 PM] pir8munky: I don't know! If so, it was good.
[6:33 PM] zacharylittle: I never know if that bitch is in a wig anymore.
[6:33 PM] zacharylittle: OKAY, let's go in order here. THE WEDDING.
[6:33 PM] kirabira: the boob area of bella's dress was problematic.
[6:33 PM] zacharylittle: How so?
[6:33 PM] pir8munky: I liked her dream dress better than the real one
[6:34 PM] kirabira: the darts were kind of to the side and below her boobs. i like those panels on the side
[6:34 PM] kirabira: but the diamond business on her boobs messed everything up.
[6:34 PM] zacharylittle: I felt like the X's on her boobs were like, X marks the spot
[6:34 PM] kirabira: but it made her boobs look wall-eyed!

***

[6:36 PM] pir8munky: But she really could have looked happier when she saw Edward. People say it's really
[6:36 PM] pir8munky: nerve-wracking
[6:36 PM] pir8munky: why do they cut off my flow in this chatroom?
[6:36 PM] zacharylittle: I think it's so
[6:36 PM] zacharylittle: you can do the cadence thing
[6:36 PM] zacharylittle: with the line breaks
[6:36 PM] kirabira: i would've LOVED it if she broke into a huge smile at some point.
[6:36 PM] kirabira: instead of looking super barfy the entire time.
[6:37 PM] zacharylittle: Yes.
[6:37 PM] zacharylittle: I agree.
[6:37 PM] kirabira: like barf face barf face barf face OH YAAAAAAAY
[6:37 PM] pir8munky: Right? Like when she was looking at him or when she was right in front of him, or even
[6:37 PM] zacharylittle: And Edward kind of looked puffy
[6:37 PM] pir8munky: while they were doing their vows
[6:37 PM] zacharylittle: like Chaz Bono
[6:37 PM] kirabira: hahahaha
[6:37 PM] pir8munky: And terrible hair!
[6:37 PM] kirabira: totally.
[6:37 PM] kirabira: having anna kendrick call rpattz The Hair only highlighted how weird his hair looked.
[6:37 PM] pir8munky: Like, his hair is always great, this time, they comb it like Mr Monopoly?
[6:38 PM] zacharylittle: Anna Kendrick must have enjoyed the chance to like, meta-lash out at the movie
[6:38 PM] pir8munky: Jessica was great when Alice said "you don't think it's too much?"
[6:38 PM] pir8munky: I bet they will write those guy into the second part somehow
[6:38 PM] kirabira: anna kendrick was flawless as usual
[6:38 PM] pir8munky: Yes, both of her lines were perfect

***

[6:39 PM] kirabira: does vampire hair grow?
[6:39 PM] zacharylittle: No, it only gets shorter.
[6:39 PM] kirabira: it's annoying that their hair looks totally different in every movie.
[6:39 PM] kirabira: so someday alice will have a flat top.
[6:39 PM] zacharylittle: Alice has been working up the nerve to do this 'do since 1940
[6:39 PM] pir8munky: Hmm, well in Anne Rice world, it is always the length as when you were sired
[6:39 PM] pir8munky: You can cut it every day, but it will grow as long as original when you sleep, so you wake
[6:40 PM] kirabira: i like that idea.
[6:40 PM] pir8munky: up and it's long again.
[6:40 PM] kirabira: except for having to get your hair done everything fucking day would suck.
[6:40 PM] pir8munky: Like I would try out so many hairstyles
[6:40 PM] kirabira: but if you liked a hairstyle, you'd have to learn to cut your own hair.
[6:40 PM] pir8munky: no, vampires are always rich, you'd have a live-in stylist
[6:40 PM] zacharylittle: My hair grows weird. It's all variations on the same thing. Kellan Lutz knows.
[6:41 PM] pir8munky: Oh KLutz looked SO BAD in this one
[6:41 PM] kirabira: maybe that's what the volturi started keeping humans around for. to handle their hair.
[6:41 PM] zacharylittle: KLutz! Why have I never seen that abbreviation before?
[6:41 PM] zacharylittle: Didn't it seem like he had a lot of dialogue?
[6:42 PM] kirabira: in that he had A line?
[6:42 PM] zacharylittle: He had like seven!
[6:42 PM] kirabira: esme was quite the chatty cathy this movie, too.
[6:42 PM] zacharylittle: JRath had TWO
[6:42 PM] zacharylittle: One of which was ONE FUCKING WORD.
[6:42 PM] kirabira: hahaha jrath
[6:42 PM] pir8munky: Ugh, the window scene
[6:42 PM] kirabira: every time he's on camera i laugh.
[6:42 PM] pir8munky: I know, me too!
[6:42 PM] zacharylittle: Hahaha, I thought of whack-a-mole
[6:42 PM] pir8munky: Haha, I thought of "go the hell away"

***

[6:42 PM] kirabira: can you imagine having to spend eternity with those doorknobs?
[6:43 PM] pir8munky: Bella should say "hey, Edward, can we have some time just for us--at least at first"

***

[6:43 PM] kirabira: i was impressed that emmet managed a double entendre in his wedding speech.
[6:44 PM] kirabira: pretty complex stuff for emmett.
[6:44 PM] zacharylittle: It was more like a single entendre.

***

[6:44 PM] pir8munky: ha, oh and renee's song?
[6:44 PM] pir8munky: Charlie was great at the wedding, of course
[6:45 PM] kirabira: yeah. i got teary eyed again, when he said he'd never let her fall.
[6:45 PM] pir8munky: Aw, sap.
[6:45 PM] zacharylittle: That was sweet, but Renee at the wedding made me FEEL THINGS
[6:45 PM] pir8munky: like MILF things?
[6:45 PM] pir8munky: Oh, Zac.
[6:45 PM] kirabira: like, in your swimsuit area?
[6:45 PM] zacharylittle: No, like
[6:45 PM] zacharylittle: That is how a lot of people I know would react
[6:46 PM] pir8munky: The best T at the convention was a rather large lady wearing a black V-neck T that said
[6:46 PM] zacharylittle: Embarassing emotional oversharing shit
[6:46 PM] pir8munky: "Edward is a VILF"
[6:46 PM] zacharylittle: The only MILF in that movie was Bella
[6:46 PM] zacharylittle: On the honeymoon
[6:46 PM] zacharylittle: LINGERIE MONTAGE
[6:46 PM] pir8munky: Oh, totally
[6:46 PM] zacharylittle: ASS BOUNCITUDE
[6:47 PM] kirabira: when she's trying to entice edward? yowza.
[6:47 PM] pir8munky: Edward needed to do more face-acting to show us how much it was killing him
[6:47 PM] kirabira: edward's such a fucking tool.
[6:47 PM] zacharylittle: Like, she falls on the bed
[6:47 PM] zacharylittle: in the center of the frame: panty-clad ass
[6:47 PM] zacharylittle: quivering
[6:47 PM] pir8munky: I think he copped a feel when he covered her with the sheet.
[6:47 PM] kirabira: seriously? your wife has a butt like that and you're still being a prude about it?
[6:47 PM] kirabira: SHE LIKES ROUGH TRADE, MAN. HIT THAT SHIT.

***

[6:48 PM] kirabira: oh, i saw the nipple shot this time.
[6:48 PM] zacharylittle: RIGHT
[6:48 PM] kirabira: but i think it's not her nipple.
[6:48 PM] zacharylittle: It's like, a rose petal
[6:48 PM] kirabira: it's one of those adhesive nipple things.
[6:48 PM] kirabira: yeah, rosanne.
[6:48 PM] pir8munky: A "modesty" petal
[6:49 PM] zacharylittle: Well, I kinda didn't think K Stew was the "silver dollar sized nipple" type
[6:49 PM] zacharylittle: But whatever, that'd work.

Twilight In And For The Atlantic Or: Slow Down, Dilettante

My idea of The Atlantic Monthly as a wise and stately pillar of intellectual society stems, I suppose, from my 12th grade English teacher, who loved the magazine and subscribed her students to it for the year and required us to read a few articles and write about them each month (that class, which stressed writing and reacting honestly over formal polish, is essentially the precursor to this blog). To me, at the time, there was something to be admired about the defiantly old-school ways of The Atlantic--after a few pages that shit was wall-to-wall text, the stories were long as fuck, and the covers seemed even older and less hip than The New Yorker's--and that perception was probably inextricably wrapped up in my admiration for the defiantly old-school, high-culture-worshipping ways of my teacher.

["How Twilight Lost Me" by Eleanor Barkhorn]

And so the redesign that started a few years after I graduated and that has recently culminated with the proliferation of Atlantic-branded blogs (and a Tumblr?) was vaguely upsetting to me. The Atlantic I once knew was (sort of) gone, and it was hard not to imagine a future in which a big-titted, air-brushed blonde would replace the typography that replaced the drawings and watercolors I once knew so well. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. She'll probably be a redhead.

["The Greatest Movie Franchises Of All Time" by Kevin Fallon"]

A few months ago I remarked at how strange it was that The Atlantic was writing about Twilight, and how stranger still (though not necessarily bad) that they were fans of Alice and Jasper. I suppose a part of me wanted The Atlantic to snootily condemn This Thing Of Ours, to confirm for me what was up and what was down, as it were. It ought to be below such a lofty radar. But their writings on the subject--as it turns out there are several articles (presented, often, in irritating slide-show format for your reading inconvenience!)--were not much different than what you'd find on any other pop culture blog.

["The Many Attacks On Twilight" by Eleanor Barkhorn]

People give Chuck Klosterman a lot of shit, (and I've argued that he's now been more or less left behind by Internet culture) but he published Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs with the thesis that low culture pop trivia was as worthy of intellectual dissection as much as, if not more than high-culture art artifacts. That our better angels were nice and all, but that you could learn a lot more about people by talking to the demons on TV. That has since become the unspoken thesis of the Internet, really. I don't think it's a direct cause-and-effect, I think it is just easier to write intelligently and quickly about something dumb than it is to write intelligently about something complex. And the Internet favors being smart quickly more than it does much anything else. Chuck Klosterman figured that out before it became as true as it eventually did.

["A Condemnation Of Sparkly Vampires" by Alyssa Rosenberg]

We're in a kind of fucked-up critical mass phase of Internet Content, huh? I mean, for my part: I have around 40,000 YouTube subscribers, a fraction of which actually turn up to watch a video I make. And the percentage of that fraction varies crazily, depending partly on various SEO variables I am sure but depending mostly on the vicissitudes of the YouTube software, which sometimes "publishes" my work to subscribers and sometimes just doesn't. I'm a YouTube partner, which means I get a little money from advertising on my videos. When they work. And plenty of times, they don't. It has ever been thus in my case, but YouTube's recent redesign has caused similar headaches for many people much more successful at YouTubing than I am (which also means that they depend on the money a lot more than I do).

["Dilettante" by St. Vincent]

The economic incentive both economically and egomaniacally (those videos that don't clear 2,000 views hurt like hell, guys), then, is to throw everything against the wall and see what sticks. Why work hard on a video only to see it randomly aborted by YouTube? Why not just crank out five of them a week? This is kind of what I have been doing, mostly unconsciously, for the last few weeks. Luckily I now have a job, and that will slow me down a little, but I'm only a small part of the problem! Throwing everything against the wall and seeing what works is not an economic model that works anywhere else (which is why most people don't have 20 kids) but it's EVERYWHERE on the Internet.

[Related posts: Popular Magazines pt. 1, Vanity Fair Is Unfair, In Soviet Russia Magazine Covers You]

Everybody is doing everything all the time, and instead of pondering something for a good long while, The Atlantic is writing entry-level posts about Twilight. Across the board, people seem to be spending less time working on their content, including me, and it shows, and makes me sad.

Incredulous Ashley Greene

This is going to be very useful. MAKE YOUR OWN! Via 247Greene.

Some Cool Stuff From Last Week!

Last week The Awl brought us the sometimes funny, mostly sad true story behind an old Seinfeld episode which was inspired by Larry David's encounter with Revolutionary Road author Richard Yates. The details here are BONKERS, especially the stuff about the actor Lawrence Tierney. Now, when I am writing I actually have difficulty pulling from personal experience most of the time. It's not that I'm like, too private or something, it's that I literally can't remember my childhood, or even teen years. I have a bad memory (I don't keep a journal or anything, but I really should). But whenever I manage to remember something, it works out well for me. Writers: is this something you do? All the time, sometimes, or never? Do you keep a journal?

Remember when SunChips released those biodegradable bags (they set a goal for Spring 2010 and met that goal--I was so proud of them! Honestly, irrationally proud) and then promptly pulled them from the shelves amid customer complaints that said bags were too loud? Remember that fucking shit? POUR THEM INTO A BOWL, FUCKHEADS! If I were the CEO of SunChips and I was getting letters bitching about BAG VOLUME, I'd have replied to every single one of them with a handwritten note: "NEVER BUY SUNCHIPS AGAIN. I DO NOT WANT THEM BRINGING YOU PLEASURE. ENCLOSED IS YOUR FINAL BAG. I SINCERELY HOPE ONE OF THESE CHIPS WILL CHOKE YOU TO DEATH. IF NOT: FUCK YOU." Which is probably why I am not the CEO of SunChips. But anyway, more or less the same thing just happened with Coke's white cans, which were supposed to benefit the environment. OH WELL. "Yeah, we like mother earth and all, so long as she doesn't disrupt our chip-and-soda habits in minor ways."-us

Did you hear about the OCCUPY BAT SIGNAL? It's a cool story, and luckily it is not viral marketing for The Dark Knight Rises. Speaking of Occupy: "One of [their] biggest problems has been figuring out how best to reach out to the rest of that mythical 99%—the ones so pumped to get deep discounts on electronics that they camp out for days and mace each other in the face." That's my favorite sentence from last week, and it's from this.

Lastly: before Herman Cain imploded, we as a nation spent a disconcerting amount of time addressing, with varying degrees of irony, whether or not Mitt Romney was lying when he said "Mitt" was his first name. It's apparently his middle name, but I remember hearing once that it was actually Milton? And Mitt was short for Milton? I don't care that much, but some people care A LOT. But the whole first name debate was very strange and silly to me. Maybe the media just needed a break from the nonstop ickyness of Herman Cain. Like, last week was one of those weeks in college where you get pizza three nights in a row, and it feels great while it's happening, but afterward you feel inescapably greasy, you know? Sex scandals are the media's pizza; Herman Cain's life is a series of circular pizza metaphors.

Anyway, James Fallows at The Atlantic wrote a piece about nonnormal named people, and the kind of intellectual bargaining one does with oneself to mentally escape being saddled by one's parents with a name like Willard, or Pilot, or Spider, or Kreyshawn or Solyndra. It's here, but anyway it got me thinking about my name. Because hahaha: Little. I probably should have been mocked for it a lot, or at least refrerred to as Stewart, but it very rarely happened.

It's probably because as a kid I was always pubertorally (it's a word!) ahead of my classmates, and so I was tall before they were and my voice changed before theirs did. I actually got screwed out of a bigger part in my elementary school rendition of Annie because my teacher was worried my voice would crack while I was singing. Probably not an unfounded fear, I mean, it still fucking happens. And by the time my classmates caught up with me, and then surpassed me, the idea of making fun of someone's last name was way too immature. Also my football career was pretty much over.

But anyway, I have no problem with my name. And I think people with nonnormal names should cool out. Because this is the Internet era, and weird names are about to proliferate. Imagine when Tumblr starts having kids! (Lots of kids named Tyrone, probably a "Y U NO NAME ME Smith"...) Shit, any time you feel bad that your name is weird, remember that there's a kid in Egypt named FACEBOOK.

And Mitt, just own it! WILLARD MITT/MILTON ROMNEY. That's not even a weird name. That's a presidential name! A 19th century presidential name, but still.