Have you guys ever watched
Pan Am? I've now seen about seven or eight cumulative minutes of it (which makes me an expert, essentially) and I feel OK in saying that show is BAD. I don't remember if I called it "
Mad Men for retards" here or just in casual conversation, but it's basically
Mad Men for retards. The
four minute clip I watched today (in order to get some context for the lesbian kiss we're about to examine) had enough stilted acting (Ashley Greene is kind of channeling Naomi Watts in the first (deliberately stilted) act of
Mulholland Drive here, which I am going to pretend is on purpose because lesbians) and heavy-handed "important historical political event" dialogue (it's also T
he West Wing for retards) to choke the horse that kicked Papa Whitman in the face. But whatever, every show has a right to fight for its own survival, and you at least gotta hand it to the ratings-strapped
Pan Am for going nuclear as soon as the going got tough. How period appropriate! But of course, they ran this episode against The Golden Globes so who knows if it will even work? Poor Ashley Greene, my god.
OK to set this up a little more, here is what happens right before. Christina Ricci's character gets in an argument at a party with a conservative guy. It goes like this: "Goldwater! Commies!" "Village Voice! Journalism!" and then Christina Ricci's BF, who I gather is a conservative politician, pulls her aside and yells at her. Meanwhile Ashley Greene is watching the political argument with this little gleam in her eye like, "Yeah, punish that lefty bitch! Get her good and weak for me." And then a few seconds later Ashley Greene's BF decides to propose to her. "I've been wanting to do this since the beginning of your episode arc two weeks ago," he says. "And after watching a goofy political argument and arguing with you about whether or not I should take my jacket off I decided now would be a good time." Ashley Greene says, "Yes, if you'll make me series regular!" And Christina Ricci watches and makes a sad face. COMMERCIAL BREAK! AND THEN...ACTION:
FUN FACT: in the 1960s it was assumed that if you were throwing a party you'd make at least one office available to the womenfolk for sulking/making out purposes. They are, after all, the fairer sex! Huh?
TARGET: ACQUIRED (Yo, is it homophobic to suggest that maybe Ashley Greene plays so many gay characters (two, but three if you count Alice Cullen) because she is actually gay and therefore seeks out those parts? Or maybe that casting directors pick up the vibe from her? I kind of want her to be, because if it turns out that she is like, deeply closeted, that would make SO MUCH SENSE. The excessive number of stories about her sexual conquests in the tabloids (she may or may not be banging a married NFL player, is a new rumor), the weirdly shifting stories about her education (she really went to an all-girls de-lesbification school, which you KNOW they have in Jacksonville), the crazy amount of time she spends at the gym! Also the fact that she's been romantically linked to Joe Jonas and Reeve Carney? Oh man, this theory is AIRTIGHT.)
"Hey are you OK?" (There have also been persistent rumors that the
Pan Am cast loathes Ashley Greene because she's been an entitled asshole since her first day on set. I really hope this is true. I think it would be so great if she's a huge bitch! I have no idea why, but the idea just delights me!)
"Um, obviously! Don't I seem fine and not at all hysterical?"
"No."
"Yeah, well... this show is about to get cancelled, and I was like two months away from finally escaping Wednesday Addams as my defining role. I mean, Christ, do you know how many people have stopped me on the street and shouted 'Hey! Elizabeth Wurtzel!'? ZERO, Ashley. The answer is zero."
"Listen, I know your show is in trouble, but I have a way to boost the ratings. It's going to sound crazy at first. We should kiss."
"I know, it seems desperate, and cheap, but what choice do you have? And besides, I am extremely willing."
"You'd really do that for me?"
"That's literally what I am here for. I'm a ringer! I know that now. I'm fine with it. I'm owning it."
"I'm sorry that I told US Weekly you were a cunt."
"Let's do this before people turn back to the Golden Globes."
"This would be a serious,
Mad Men-esque silent beat if I didn't look so cartoonish. Can
you do a Don Draper blank face?"
"Hey, that's pretty good, Ashley!"
And I guess that's where the episode ends? I mean, that's where the YouTube clip stops, and I am not going to like, research this further. I mean, if we cut from there to scissoring I'm sure there will be a gif on Tumblr pretty soon. And if this show is taking their cues from
Mad Men, the next episode will only allow this moment to simmer beneath the surface of a return to the status quo. And if they're taking the WRONG cues from
Mad Men, they'll drop this plot entirely!
Pan Am has at least until the end of February until the ax falls, so we'll have more on this story as it develops.
3 comments:
This is awesome. Knowing almost nothing about this show, I happily accept your version of their dialogue as canonical.
It's really only homophobic if your real implication is that ALL people who play gay people must be gay, which obviously you are not doing, but it is also homophobic in the sense that certain people will sure accuse you of being homophobic for saying so ANYWAY, because of course saying one thing in a semi-joking context is obviously saying the other thing in a serious and bigoted context. To which we can all say "Welp."
Honestly that is kind of what I meant during our earlier twitter conversation about Surprise Continuing Lesbian. Like, come on out, AG, gays are cool now! If I backed out of being clearer about that it was just because I did not want to look homophobic on twitter. Whoops.
Is it Florida-ist (biased against Florida) to suggest that since Ashley Greene is from Jacksonville, Florida, that might account for how deep in the closet she (possibly) is?
Man, does anyone in Florida even go on the internet? (GET IT CAUSE THEY'RE ALL OLD PEOPLE)
Oh snap
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