NO CHURCH IN THE WILD

I'm a girl and an engineering student. Engineering guys are cock pricks and most other guys don't like that I already make more money then them. Solution? 

You’re an engineer? Build yourself a machine that fucks you.

No but seriously, all the guys you know are upset that you make money? Have you tried the guys at, say, art schools yet? I think they’ll be JUST FINE with this arrangement. In fact I can probably give you some phone numbers.

So there's this girl that I'm really into. She has told me that she is also into me. Her boyfriend broke up with her over 2 months ago but they are still having a "physical relationship" according to reliable sources. I think she is trying to get with me. Should I pursue her or should I not even try? 

Oh, I don’t know. I sounds like this other guy has a pretty sweet thing going right now and I don’t know if you should ruin it for him.

My boyfriend lives on the other side of the country, how do I know he's not cheating while respecting his privacy? 

Sadly for suspicious girlfriends and perverts, there is no such thing a a classy spy camera. I mean even the ones that are designed to look like a knob in the shower of a women’s locker room--I mean they look cute and harmless, but philosophically, you just can’t.

The name of the game then, sadly, is trust. You can’t know that he is not cheating on you, and you probably shouldn’t even ask. You just have to believe in the strength of your relationship. And I don't think that is something that you can learn to do; you have that trust already or you'll never get it (and the fact that you wrote in to me is not like, the best sign). Most couples don't have it (see the next question), but they also don't live on opposite sides of a country.

But maybe that’s not so bad. Fuck long distance relationships. Unless the country he lives on the other side of is the fucking Vatican, I doubt it’s worth the trouble. You should just break up with him. Is that harsh? Sorry. Dump him. Over Skype, not the phone.

Zac. I've been with this girl lets call her Katie. For about 4 years. Lately we fight all the time. Because she can't trust me. Even though I've never done anything to lose her trust. How do I gain her trust? I can't take much more fighting. 

First of all, I dig your decisive punctuation, bro. Creates a really jagged rhythm. I feel like I’m giving advice to Ernest Hemingway. OK, so first of all, no matter what you do, don’t shoot yourself in the face.

(Have I told you guys about my new party game? Try to improve on Ernest Hemingway's shortest story ever--"For sale: Baby shoes, never worn"--using as many or fewer words. For sale: Baby shoes, stolen. For sale: Baby's cape, worn once. For sale: A baby. For sale: Baby carrots, never corn.)

ANYWAY. So she can’t trust you, even though you’ve never done anything to lose her trust. Okay. So how can you gain her trust? You can’t, obviously! What are you going to do, become EXTRA TRUSTWORTHY? Like, I guess if she murders someone and you keep a secret for her, that might work. But in any other case, it ain't happening.

These are the kinds of unfixable problems you have to identify like eight to twelve weeks into a relationship. By then you'll know everything that is permanently wrong with the other person (that's assuming you've fucked a few times by then) and whether or not you want to take them AS IS. It's not so bad, really. I mean if you're buying a used car you don't get that kind of grace period!

And after that grace period ends--if you think you can't live with the trust issues--walk away. Otherwise you're going to spend like, almost four years nagging her to change, and then it's your problem that is the problem, see?

But since you actually HAVE spent four years being an asshole to this girl, your calculus should probably change. You say you can't take much more fighting, but you've done four years of it so far! Are you sure you can't deal? How's the sex? Because the lack of trust can be kind of fun, there.

Lot of trust issues today. Is there a new book out? No Church In The Wild, the video series, is here.