The two first meet when Ana literally falls into his office and then proceeds to conduct the most awkward interview ever. Obviously, since being clumsy and socially inept is hot, rich dude kryptonite, Christian immediately becomes smitten with her and spends the next week working his way through Stalking for Dummies. He pulls the usual – showing up at her work, acting insanely jealous of anyone who owns a penis and happens to be in her vicinity, tracing her cell phone, and otherwise boring the shit out of me and reminding me why I only read smutty novels where the sex happens in the first 50 pages. Then she drunk dials him from a club and he traces her phone to come “rescue” her. She vomits and passes out on him, which impresses him so much he asks her out.
At the start of their date, Christian makes her sign a non-disclosure agreement, which she doesn’t even question. I mean, I know that’s how all my dates start He then gives her a sex contract to sign. Seriously, a sex contract. What could possibly be more sexy than a sex contract you might ask? Well the answer to that is absolutely anything, ever. It outlines things like what she is allowed to eat and wear, how many hours a night she can sleep, and that she must act “modest and respectable” in public. It's 10 pages long! By the time I finished reading it, I was ready to join a convent. Of course, in the middle of all this sex contract talk, he finds out she’s a virgin. He then decides to “rectify the situation” so they can continue their negotiations. So romantic.
They start fucking a lot, and begin to try out the whole dom/sub thing. He ties her up a few times and uses a riding crop on her once, but mostly they just have normal sex. And then she rhapsodizes about how it’s OMG the best thing ever. (It was seriously disappointing, you guys. If I’m going to read something this bad, I at least want to be scandalized a little.) He does spank her once and she totally freaks out and goes home and cries a lot. Which, as you can imagine, is pretty much the opposite of sexy. Actually, she spends a pretty big portion of the novel crying or scared.
You’re supposed to be into the romance of their developing relationship and him sexing her up all the time, but I was too busy being worried about her to get into it. It’s actually kind of uncomfortable to read. Ana spends half her time with him terrified she’s going to do something to upset him and he’ll hurt her. She’s constantly trying to manage his moods in order to protect herself. He scolds her and threatens to “punish” her every time she rolls her eyes or doesn’t do what he tells her. This is our big romantic lead, kids. A guy who will hit her for rolling her eyes. We’re supposed to find him appealing? It would be one thing if she was into it, but she’s not. She doesn’t like being hurt, she doesn’t want the BDSM part, she just wants to be his girlfriend. The way James writes it, it’s not two adults enjoying themselves, it’s abuse. He threatens her and she’s scared. Shit like this:
“Are you going to hit me?”
“Yes, but it won’t be to hurt you. I don’t want to punish you right now. If you’d caught me yesterday evening, well, that would have been a different story.”
Holy cow. He wants to hurt me… how do I deal with this? I can’t hide the horror on
my face.
Or this:
‘I think you need to learn to manage my expectations. I am not a patient man. If you say you are going to contact me when you finish work, then you should have the decency to do so. Otherwise, I worry, and it’s not an emotion I’m familiar with, and I don’t tolerate it very well. Call me.’
Double crap. Will he ever give me a break? I scowl at the phone. He is suffocating me. With a deep dread uncurling in my stomach, I scroll down to his number and press dial. My heart is in my mouth as I wait for him to answer. He’d probably like to beat seven shades of shit out of me. The thought is depressing.
Then we learn more about Christian. It turns out he had a rough early childhood that he mostly won’t talk about, but he was introduced to BDSM when he was 15 by a friend of his mom as an outlet for his issues. Of course. Aside from their abusive relationship, this is what I find most problematic about the book. Christian doesn’t like BDSM because it’s a perfectly legitimate sexual choice that many people enjoy. He likes it because he has severe emotional problems and was sexually abused. Then James sets it up that Ana is going to save him from his evil ways with her love and her magic vagina. It becomes even more problematic as we learn about his Mrs. Robinson and some of his past submissives, all of whom at least have some emotional problems and one of whom has a total psychotic break. In no way do I believe that all people who enjoy BDSM are all fucked up abusers (or victims) in need of someone’s love to save them, but that’s the way they’re portrayed here. It’s not even really my thing and I’m still insulted.
Anyway, back to the story. Ana finally comes to her senses a little and decides she needs time apart from him to think, so she visits her mom several states away. And, because he’s totally psycho, he follows her. While he’s there, this happens:
He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls
my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez.
After they get back to Seattle, Ana – because she’s a fucking idiot – decides that she’s ready for him to show her how much he wants to hurt her. So he whips her with a belt until she’s sobbing and afraid to let him come near her again and then yells at her for being upset. In the one smart move she’s made the entire book, she leaves him the next day. Unfortunately 2 more books follow, so we know that won’t last.
I tried to keep track of all of the ridiculous passages I came across, but then I found that I was marking almost every one and this is getting long enough. So, I narrowed down to few choice ones. If you want more, check out this hilarious tumblr.
“No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.”
After he spanks her the first time:
“Are you bleeding?” He continues to kiss me.
Holy Fuck. Does nothing slip by him?
“Yes,” I whisper, embarrassed.
“Yes,” I whisper, embarrassed.
“Do you have cramps?”
“No.” I flush. Jeez…He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls
my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez.
And then he’s inside me… ah!
I know I’m supposed to be all modern woman about the period sex, but I don’t really want to encounter that in my smutty novels. Like, ow and ew. It just made me cringe, which is probably not the reaction she was hoping for when she wrote it.
Before they have sex first the first time:
“Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?” Holy shit. Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly.“No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.”
After he spanks her the first time:
“Anastasia,” he warns, and I want to roll my eyes but quickly stop myself. I stand facing the bed. Sitting beside me, he gently pulls my sweatpants down again. Up and down like whores’ drawers my subconscious remarks bitterly. In my head, I tell her where to go. Christian squirts baby oil into his hand and then rubs my behind with careful tenderness – from makeup remover to smoothing balm for a spanked ass, who would have thought it was such a versatile liquid.
Oh yes, I forgot to mention her subconscious and inner goddess. They’re pretty big characters. She’s constantly referencing them in really stupid ways.
- Perhaps if he was more normal he wouldn’t want you, my subconscious contributes snidely to my musings.
- My subconscious purses her lips and mouths the word ‘ho.’ I ignore her.
- My subconscious gives me an unhelpful I told you so expression.
- My inner goddess sits in the lotus position looking serene except for the sly, self-congratulatory smile on her face.
- My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old.
- My inner goddess jumps up and down with cheerleading pom-poms shouting yes at me.
- I examine the list, and my inner god dess bounces up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream.
Her inner goddess is exhausting and her subconscious is kind of a bitch.
She decides to go meet his parents without wearing any underwear under her dress. Oh, the scandal!
I shall go meet his parents sans culottes. Anastasia Steele! My subconscious chides me, but I don’t want to listen to her – I almost hug myself with glee because I know this will drive him crazy.
Taylor draws up in the large Audi. Christian opens the rear door for me, and I climb inside as elegantly as I can, considering my state of wanton undress.
Sucking his thumb is almost too much for her:
“Suck me, baby.” His thumb presses on my tongue, and my mouth closes round him, sucking wildly. I taste the saltiness on his thumb and the faint metallic tang of blood. Holy fuck. This is wrong, but holy hell is it erotic.
God, I want to copy the whole contract here, but it’s so long. It has shit like this in it:
5 Adherence to the above warranties, agreements and undertakings (and any addition al limits and safety procedures agreed under clause 3 above) are fundamental to this contract. Any breach shall render it void with immediate effect and each party agrees to be fully responsible to the other for the consequence of any breach.
9 Subject to that proviso and to clauses 2-5 above the Submissive is to serve and obey the Dominant in all things. Subject to the agreed terms, limitations and safety pro cedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above she shall without query or hesitation offer the Dominant such pleasure as he may require and she shall accept without query or hesitation his training, guidance and discipline in whatever form it may take.
13 The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the Submissive from his service at any time and for any reason. The Submissive may request her release at any time, such request to be granted at the discretion of the Dominant subject only to the Submissive’s rights under clauses 2-5 and 8 above.
15.10 The Dominant shall not loan his Submissive to another Dominant.
The Submissive will conduct herself in a respectful and modest manner at all times. She must recognize that her behavior is a direct reflection on the Dominant. She shall be held accountable for any misdeeds, wrongdoings and misbehavior committed when not in the presence of the Dominant.
Failure to comply with any of the above will result
Nothing is sexier than domineering legalese.
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