Snack Mix For All Occasions

The fundamentals of snack mix are strong. I'm confident about that. It may not be a kind of snack you hold in high regard, generally, but the truth is you eat some every time it is available, and you probably return to it more than the other snack bowls on the table at the party. Deep down, you know this. It probably has something to do with the appealing texture variation, which likely triggers some forgotten ancient hunter-gatherer instinct inside of us--an evolutionarily acquired tendency toward a balanced diet, perhaps. Or maybe there's nicotine in the rye chips. Whatever! The point is, snack mix is an ideal template for more adventurous snacking. And it's cheap, so it's recession proof. Also--wait, I don't know why I am working so hard to convince you that snack mix is wonderful. You already know! YOU ALREADY KNOW.

EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU WILL NEED

1. Butter (like half a stick, melted)
2. Worchestire Sauce (a good couple of shakes of the bottle)
3. Chex-like cereal of some kind (store brand is just as good, hell, better! NO LOGO!!)
4. A mixing bowl and a cookie sheet
5. An oven capable of reaching 250 degrees Fahrenheit

RECIPE #1: GAME DAY SNACK MIX

1. Preheat oven to 250F.
2. Toss Chex or Chex-like cereal (corn variety), peanuts, finely shredded cheddar cheese, and those weird pretzel chunk things in a large bowl with the butter, worchestire, and a few tablespoons of barbecue sauce. Spread evenly on a cookie sheet.
3. While it bakes, sauté half an onion, with a decent-sized hamsteak.
4. After fifteen minutes in the oven, add salt, pepper, and more barbecue sauce to the snack mix if deemed necessary.
5. After 20 minutes, add the diced ham and onions to the cookie sheet.
6. OPTIONAL: Also add cooked ground beef, Italian sausage, and pulled chicken.
7. After fifteen more minutes in the oven, remove pan to cool.
8. Serve in an ice-filled metal bucket, surrounded by bottles of your favorite beer. Top both the mix and the beer with crumbled bacon.

RECIPE #2: CLASSY PARTY SNACK MIX (Full Sequence)

1. Preheat oven to 245F.
2. Toss wheat chex, cashews, pretzel Goldfish, cheese-flavored crackers (Itz or Nips or Ums or what have you) and shredded (not powdered, asshole!) parmesan cheese in butter and worchestire. Put in a glass cake pan and top with a thin layer of olive oil and balsamic vinegar.
3. Pour a glass of wine and get dressed for the party.
4. Smoke a cigarette.
5. Stir mixture again, adding salt, pepper, oregano, basil, and garlic powder. OPTIONAL SIXTH SPICE: tobacco leaves.
6. Leave it in the oven until the coolest guests arrive. Let that be your reminder that it is time for the mix to cool.
7. Coat the mix with fish oil, for health.
8. Fill a funnel with the snack mix and pour everyone's wine through it. DO NOT ACTUALLY EAT this snack mix. It is poisonous.

RECIPE #3: FUNERAL SNACK MIX

1. Preheat oven to Year-Of-Death Fahrenheit.
2. Toss corn chex, marshmallow ghosts and pretzels skeletons with melted butter and a healthy portion of grenadine. Pour into a muffin pan.
3. Top with pancake batter.
4. Bake for 30 minutes, without stirring at all. Do not even THINK about stirring or the mix will be ruined.
5. Pour into a tasteful vase along with decorative stones and tightly-packed flowers

You can see, I'm sure, that the possibilities are limitless. You probably have everything you need for a killer snack mix in your cabinet right now! What else are you going to use that mustard powder for? That bottle of rosé? Do you see where I am going with this? GET TO IT!