EXCLUSIVE: Cat Marnell's Age REVEALED

Readers of this blog doubtless follow the exploits of Cat "King Cobra" Marnell—noted functioning addict, cause célèbre causing celeb, and former XOJane staffer. This week we learned that she'd been picked up, quite appropriately, by VICE. (If ever there were a marriage at which Satan himself would show up to officiate, right? I mean if you're not familiar with VICE, know that two of the headlines on their home page right now are "How To Sell Drugs" and a hard-hitting photo essay on "Visible Panty Lines." They're a god damned national treasure.) Anyway, Marnell's first piece for them has already been posted, so give it a read (and please, check your urge to judge at the e-door. There's LITERALLY nothing worse on this earth than a righteous comment posted via fucking Facebook Connect).

Anyway, in my monthly patrol of the search terms that bring people to this blog, I noticed a curious trend. Sure, the normal stuff was there—"Kristen Stewart ass," "Jennifer Lawrence ass," "Jackson Rathbone ass"—but also an abundance of searches related to the age of Cat Marnell. I reached out to Marnell herself, and it turned out this is a trend she's familiar with; persistent rumors that she is 31 and not 29 have dogged her at every turn. Fucking birthers, am I right?

This blog has been and forever will be a bulwark against such rumor and innuendo (well, okay, maybe a bulwark FOR innuendo), and thus we've been granted the EXCLUSIVE privilege of displaying the birth certificate and ID of Caitlin Elizabeth Marnell for your inspection. SUCK IT, JOE ARPAIO!

Whoa, Cat, are you not an organ donor? 

I asked Marnell if she had an "official statement" to accompany these documents, and she did. Here's the full text of an email I got last night at 4:18am.

Lying about your age is glam and all good but I just don't ! Yah shut these freakshows up; thanks. I have a 31 year old sister if you want more proof. And a zillion other things! God.  I mean honestly . ...I'm writing this from the Borgata casino floor at 413 am so I gotta go get my Ginger on and make Boss type men play blackjack w my money and win -- it's the best.  So im gonna go. Hope you're well and as the late extraordinarily overrated singer (/fucking-for-tracks extraordinaire;swag!) Aaliyah once said , "age ain't nothin but a number" anyway. Tell my creepy fanemies to get off my dick. Everyone else keep reading my new VICE column Amphetamine Logic. Thank YOU babe for your fab blogs about me, I am always honored!!!! Xo cat

So there. Roll up these facts and smoke 'em, fanemies! To console the (certifiably young!) Marnell I informed her that I've had, in fact, several searches for "Cat Marnell ass" as well. So she threatened to send a picture of her "emaciated ass in a bikini." Be careful what you wish for, searchers! Or not.

Thanks to Cat Marnell for her cooperation with this admittedly bizarre post. Get the word out! About Cat's new VICE column and about her age! What rumor should we debunk next?