I'm pretty sure we can talk about the Butter trailer despite the Ashley Greene Boycott currently in effect because, as you will see, she is in this trailer for about half of one second. Blink and you'll literally miss her. Honestly, her ass got more facetime in the fucking LOL trailer than her face does in this one. /Film notes, with an understated sense of disappointment, that this trailer does not hint at what I now hear is a lesbian SEX SCENE between Greene and Olivia Wilde. Does a gay sex scene make up for the Chick Fil A patronage? How explicit would it have to be for you to forgive her? How many seconds of scissorfucking can you show in an R-rated film anyway? Lots of questions,* I know, and I suppose all will be answered when Butter is released in the fall of 2026.
Elsewhere, The Apparition is, inexplicably, coming out this weekend, and you should obviously not see it. In part because Ashley Greene supports Chick Fil A, and in part because it is apparently 82 minutes long. Eighty-two minutes? You expect us to pay 14 bucks for that? Fuck off with your 82 minutes. (Especially since--didn't they do a bunch of reshoots?) I won't pay for a ticket to see anything under 90 minutes** unless it is stop-motion or directed by Shane Carruth (OR BOTH!). Most TV shows are longer than that these days, fuckers! What are you doing here, Ashley Greene? Don't answer that; you're re-shunned.
*More: isn't Ty Burrell playing her dad? So like, she bangs her dad's girlfriend? That's weird, right? I'm just trying to figure out if the incestual thing throws the progressivism from the train. **This rule doesn't exactly square with my rule about music: that the best songs are either under two minutes or over six minutes, always. But unless you're buying the songs individually on iTunes the economic impact is way way mitigated.
UM, WHAT THE FUCK? This photo was supposedly taken yesterday. YESTERDAY!? Now, I can't boycott Chick-Fil-A myself, since I live in the enlightened northeast where we never even allowed that shit in the first place, but I CAN boycott Ashley Greene until I get some kind of explanation. I'm calling Fandango and asking for a refund for my ticket to The Apparition and also Butter (JK Butter will NEVER be released). I'm fucking serious. THE AG BAN BEGINS NOW! K Stew can suck all the married dick she wants as far as I'm concerned. Really, she's just leveling the playing field for same-sex couples when you think about it. But this? THIS WILL NOT STAND.
OK so I haven't closely monitored the Kristen Stewart infidelity fiasco beyond day three of the cycle, but it is still going on. In Gossip circles, Robert Pattinson is still mulling over whether or not he should dump Kristen Stewart. In the mainstream media that's already a forgone conclusion and they're dividing up the Cullen Estate. On the margins: Jodie Foster is defending Kristen Stewart along the lines that she's 22 and therefore an idiot, and Robert Pattinson is apparently like, playing World of Warcraft or some shit while living at Reese Witherspoon's ranch to distract himself from his pain. And the nagging suspicion that this is all some kind of weird hoax continues to bother many. Too bad Gore Vidal isn't still around to offer his take (did you know Vidal--who is not the former Vice President nor a hair product nor the director of Rango--believed that both 9/11 and Pearl Harbor were inside jobs? Cool story, Gore!) on all of this. RIP.
File Under: Reese Witherspoon jokes
Elsewhere: a while back I expressed concern about some of the racial stuff in The Hunger Games. There was a purity streak to the palest, whitest characters in the book, and characters said things about Rue's district that were weirdly reminiscent of the stuff slaveowners used to say 'round about 1850. Troubling? It's reflective of the same kind of semi-thinking racism that prompted many fans to complain about nonwhite casting. But was it malicious? I'm tempted to say no, now, that I've heard about this fucking book Save The Pearls. KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Unfortunately the ire that SHOULD be directed at Save The Pearls is being directed at MTV's Teen Wolf creator Jeff Davis (hey, I met that guy!). After hearing criticism of his lack of minority characters, Davis took to Tumblr to attempt to reckon with his own privilege. He was promptly shouted down enough to delete his post. Way to encourage privileged white folks to genuinely engage with you, Tumblr! So it goes. To Davis's credit, his star is Latino. To his detriment--Scott McCall aside--there sure are a lot of pretty white folks on that show! It's all very tricky though, right? Because if you're using paranormal characters to tell a racial or sexual allegory, you muddle your message by including members of that original marginalized group. Or do you? (Didn't I write something about this once? The worst part about endlessly creating new blogs is that you forget where you put things. ONE JUNK DRAWER ONLY, ZAC!) True Blood managed to pull off the God Hates Fangs thing while maintaining a prominent gay character. Oh my god, am I citing True Blood as a paragon of race relations? Time to quit for the day.
